What We Eat Is Laughable

C'mon Get Happy, Dog!

2011-04-07T10:34:00.005-04:00

With two visits in less than seven days I can safely say that it's been a Happy Dog kind of week. I chalk my not-so-sudden desire to consume encased meats with beer chasers up to the start of baseball season, but that's neither here nor there.

After my first visit to the Happy Dog I began to somewhat systematically taste and test as many of the toppings and sauces as my palate would allow. To date there are 15 options I've yet to try, but my apologies to the cabbage and bok choy based toppings: it ain't gonna happen.

The first trip to the HD this past week was for my birthday and the construction of the Breakfast Birth-dog:

Since these images never turn out quite perfectly it's a hot dog topped with: bacon, egg, chipotle hollandaise, habanero pickled onions, and nacho cheese. The perfect marriage of comforting breakfast fare and spicy zing. I got my tater tots with chipotle ketchup, raspberry crunch mustard, saffron aioli, and "killer" steak sauce. While I'm glad to have tried it, I wasn't blown away by awesome with the raspberry mustard. The rest were all solid in their own right, especially the steak sauce, which makes A-1 look like Z-26, if you get my meaning. And I think you do.

We swung by again last night after an evening work event for more hot dog on beer action. I took the topping approach in a totally new direction this time and came up with the Asian Invasion Dog:

For the sight impaired and/or those reading this on an iPhone this one goes like so: hot dog with teriyaki onions, marinated portabello mushrooms, wasabi peas, Thai chili-garlic sauce, and black truffle honey mustard. Like a pan-Asian vacation on a hot dog! Got some tots with mustards, both traditional yellow and dijon, along with Momocho's habenero hot sauce and chipotle hollandaise (my favorite). Both the mustards were incredible, making their store bought cousins seem weak and wimpy in comparison. Momocho's habanero was excellent if not what I expected. It's thick and creamy, like an aioli, whereas I was expecting something thin and vinegar base. Regardless the spice/taste balance is perfect, plenty of fire, but not so much that it overwhelms any other flavors or leaves you burning in agony afterward.

Liver Punisher's WTF Dare Shots

2011-04-02T14:54:00.001-04:00

Lots of bars, especially in college towns; spring break locales; and resorts, offer up specialty house shots. These are generally outlandish or extreme in some nature, often using “extreme” ingredients or including incongruous liquors. To whit the Mexican Revolution, a shot consisting of equal parts tequila and 151 proof rum topped with a generous spray of hot sauce. Or maybe you prefer the 3 Wise Men, a shots whose contents are hotly contested, but generally follow the guidelines of alcohols named after dudes with “J” names. Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnny Walker are the most common components.

“Dare Shots” is how I generally refer to these concoctions and had I not tried a few of them over the years, usually on my birthday, I would chalk them up to the same urban mythology of zany sex acts like the Abraham Lincoln, Jelly Donut, Hot Carl, and the notorious Orange Ronald. That said, I’ve dabbled in the invention and execution of a few of these myself and thought that the day after my birthday would be just as good a time as any to share them with the world.

First up is the Tijuana Prostitute:

Ingredients:

- 1 shot tequila blanco

- Squeeze of lime

- Teaspoon of cottage cheese

- Several healthy shakes of hot sauce, habenero would be best

Make It So:

Squeeze the lime into the shot glass them pour in tequila. Top with cottage cheese and hot sauce. Shoot it and enjoy!

Second to the party is the Mexican Gentleman:

Ingredients:

- Cold gin

- Salsa

Make It So:

For each person partaking pour one shot of gin and a heaping spoonful of salsa into a shaker. Shake vigorously then strain into shot glasses. Shoot and enjoy! You may also add lime juice or hot sauce to the shaker to taste.

Good luck with these, I hope they make your night a little better sometime soon!

Lolita and Edison's Pub, March 25, 2011

2011-03-27T16:13:00.006-04:00

Michael Symon’s cadre of restaurants are some of the larger jewels in Cleveland’s restaurant crown. So it hasn’t been active avoidance that’s kept me from dining there, more timing and opportunity. That was until this past Friday when my friend Kate and I took a drive to Tremont for night nosh at Lolita’s Happy Hour part II.

Lolita wisely re-offers the chance at food and drink specials starting again at 10:30pm and we were lucky enough to snag the last two seats at the bar—specials are available at the bar, only. In addition to Lolita’s modest but powerful dinner menu we received the Happy Hour specials list which offers a few delicious bites for $5 as well as a heads up on what drinks are on the cheap that night. We ordered a round of $2 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales and poured over the menus.

Yeah, $2 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales. Most joints you’re lucky to get $2 Miller Lights at happy hour, but Lolita offers up one of the finest mass market brews at an unbeatable price.

Picking from Lolita’s menu would be hard enough on its own, but coupled with a selection of amazing $5 choices made the picking all the harder. Kate was the first to make any sort of decision, stating that we must get the crispy chicken livers from the appetizer menu. I countered this with roasted bone marrow, something I’ve wanted to eat for a while, but had yet to find it on a menu or in my price range. $8 seemed like a fair price for an experiment. While the whole $5 menu was piquing our interest, with two apps ordered we selected only the fried Brussels sprouts. Needing to round out our faux tapas meal with something of substance we agreed on the duck prosciutto pizza.

Business was booming for 10:30-11:00 on a Friday so we sipped Sierra Nevadas and caught up. I’m not entirely sure how much time had passed but was pleasantly surprised when our food arrived. Everything looked and smelled amazing and there was little hesitation before diving in. Having had a long standing issue with the consumption of offal I decided to dive in headfirst with some chicken liver. I’ve tried fowl liver in the past and never had anything pleasant to report about it. With one bite this dish changed my mind. With their outsides perfectly fried and crispy I was surprised when the insides all but melted in my mouth. The last time I tried liver I remember it tasting extremely metallic, but these were robust and meaty, a strong flavor that was certainly chicken at heart but approached beefiness in its power and weight. The livers were served on a bed of some of the creamiest, delicate polenta I’ve ever crossed fork with and garnished with bacon and mushrooms. Easily one of the best things I’ll eat this year.

Next we moved on to the marrow. I’ve long been intrigued by the consumption of marrow. It always seemed like a very primal, animalistic thing to eat. That only lions and bears and Vikings and other beasts of their ilk would crack open the bones of another animal and suck the rich, fatty substance from therein. But apparently it’s for fancy pantses, too. We received 3 stout bones that had been sawed open to expose the marrow and make for easier scooping. The marrow had been roasted with a simple salsa verde and was served with pickled onions and toasted bread for spreading. I scraped out the contents of half a bone and spread it on the bread. I could almost tell as the bread and marrow entered my mouth that this was going to be amazing. Marrow, if you’ve never had it, is the essence of beef flavor. Like bacon its flavor is fatty in the best possible way, and the marrow’s concentrated beefiness is like getting punched in the mouth with a steak filled with hamburgers. It’s beef to the highest degree and should be experienced at least once. I’m so happy to have tried this and can’t wait to have it again!

With the wild cards successfully played we moved onto the fried Brussels sprouts. Ranging from slightly charred to perfectly cooked, these sprouts offer a variety of tastes and textures on their own. They are then tossed with anchovies and capers for some salt and walnuts for extra crunch. There was also the perfect hint of sweetness throughout the dish which my taste parts noted as balsamic vinegar or a reduction, but it’s not listed on the menu so I can’t say with 100% certainty. Arguably as good as Melt’s sprouts in cherry lambic glaze, Lolita’s sprouts number amongst my favorite preparations of these tiny cabbages for both taste and approach. Finally we came to the pizza. Topped with a couple of soft cooked eggs, parmesan, rosemary, and gorgeous flakes of duck prosciutto this simple little pizza was the perfect marriage of sweet, salty, fatty, cheesy, and carbs. As fantastic as it was, a solid “B” for sure, in light of the three other “A” plates it just felt a little flat. Accompanied by less ambitious sides I’m sure it would’ve shined, but with the livers and the marrow on the table, few things would have seemed as bold and flavorful.

Full and more than satisfied we hung around to finish our beers before making our way to Edison’s Pub for a night cap. We were lucky enough to find Stone’s Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale and Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale on tap and had a few. The Bourbon Barrel ale is golden in color and produces a modest head with little lacing. It smells primarily of malt with hints of oak and maple. Its primary flavor is malt mingling with the woodiness of the barrel aging, with hints of vanilla and maple from the residual bourbon. A wonderful, hearty “dessert” beer if ever there was one. The Stone offering is on the completely opposite end of the spectrum. Classified as an American black ale and clocking in at 8.7 ABV the Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale is not to be trifled with. Its nearly pitch black in a glass with a small head and modest lacing. Its faint aroma is a mixture of hops and dark malts, both of which are subtle. With such an subtle fragrance I was surprised by how much depth of flavor this beer has—it’s from Stone so I shouldn’t have been. There’s a quick jab of malty-ness at first which I quickly overwhelmed by the dueling flavors of dark roasted malt and a heavy dose of pine-then-citrus hops. All together an amazing, flavorful, powerful but balanced beer, and proof contrary to my long held belief that black IPAs are generally unsatisfying. I realize that this isn’t technically a black IPA, but it does prove that dark beers can be made hoppy successfully.

From the Liver Punisher WTF Files: Wienie-tini

2011-03-20T15:53:00.006-04:00

Nicole’s roommate, Morgan, recently won a bottle of Bakon brand bacon flavored vodka. Let me reiterate the fact that this was won and thankfully not purchased. Once the seal was broken and the bottle open we all waited patiently for her to dole out some tastes. I was excited by the prospect of this bizarre draught, but was quickly disappointed.

The initial taste is of ultra-astringent cheap vodka, like the kind for sale a grocery stores and convenience marts in plastic gallon jugs. The cheap-stuff burn is bad enough, but it’s quickly replaced by an overwhelming smokiness which isn’t apparent in the “bouquet,” like chasing a shot of cheap vodka with a slug of liquid smoke. While neither of these is appealing, the actual worst part of the whole experience is the unaccountable-for fatty aftertaste. I don’t know how it’s done, but the after taste and mouth feel are similar to that of chomping on a nub of bacon fat.

And while this is most certainly a no-thank-you for me, it’s not the weirdest meat flavored vodka on the market, the Alaska Distillery has the corner on that market. But I was definitely curious so I visited the Bakon website for more info. After scrolling through some basic web business boiler plate I hit the mother load of what-the-fuckery: the recipe page.

My first though after tossing back a spot of this off-putting drank was bacon Bloody Mary, it’s their “flagship” cocktail, and something I’m sure tastes more than a bit like barbeque sauce juice. My favorite, and the most appealing by far, is the Waffle Shot, equal parts Pinnacle Whipped and Bakon. And the list goes on and on and on and never really sounds appealing, to whit the poorly named and awful sounding Scottish Bacon, equal parts Bakon and Scotch. Mmm… pass. But as off put as I was by this train wreck, I couldn’t stop thinking about how to work this into a silly little cocktail with a silly little name, and thus the Wienie-tini was born.

Ingredients:

- 2oz Bakon brand bacon flavored vodka

- 1oz grape vodka

- Dash hot chili sauce

Make It So:

- Pour vodkas into a shaker with ice and add hot sauce to taste

- Shake and strain into cocktail glass

- Garnish with a cooked and cooled cocktail wiener on a sword

- Enjoy?

My favorite aspect of this drink is my painfully clever name, so that should tell you something

about it.

The Liver Punisher and the Triumphant Return of the Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club: Drink of the Month

2011-03-20T14:06:00.007-04:00

While there is some serious shittalking and muckraking done on a regular basis in the name of food—proper seasoning etiquette, rare vs. well-done, etc.—it’s arguable that the only thing people get more riled up about than how their steak is cooked is their booze.

Bourbon or Scotch, lager or ale, gin or vodka, Mickey’s or Colt 45. There are as many fair arguments to be made as there are taste buds in your eat hole. Perhaps there is no booze related argument more heated, though, than what constitutes a “correct” martini. Dryness and the proper inclusion of vermouth being the chief sources of these arguments. A classic martini calls for a whopping table spoon of dry vermouth stirred with 2oz of quality gin, a delicious and acceptable recipe. On the other hand, noted martini enthusiast Winston Churchill’s recipe called for ice cold gin served by a bartender who had glanced at a bottle of vermouth while shaking the drink. All other recipes fall somewhere in between, save for the inverted or “upside-down” martini which calls for 2oz of vermouth shaken with half an ounce of gin. Yum?

My personal history with this most iconic of concoctions is checkered at best. The first few times I tried this at home I wound up with a glass full of no-thanks and a long held belief that gin was just the most worst thing ever. A gin-and-tonics phase, and gin better than Tanqueray, helped erase that erroneous belief, but the martini still left me cold. Gin, basically on its own, is a bitter, pungent, astringent quaff that falls squarely in the learn-to-like camp with Scotch. Slowly I warmed to the idea of a glass of icy-cold gin, nudged along by my introduction to Hendrick’s. (Occasionally derided by “purists” as “novelty” gin as it’s distilled with cucumbers and rose petals, there is, in fact, no gin governing body or—please forgive me—Gin-eva convention regarding the production or ingredients of gin. Gin is basically defined as neutral spirits flavored with juniper berries and other botanicals. What those other botanicals are is left to the distiller’s imagination.)

With my interest in martini’s renewed I began playing around with the basic ingredients again. My initial results, while not amazing, were on the right path. With due diligence I continued to experiment and finally reached some common ground with the martini. While I certainly like and understand the appeal of both the classic and dry martini, they are almost painfully simple. Gin. Vermouth. Two notes that sound fine together but need to be supplemented in order to form a chord (metaphor courtesy of Alton Brown). And so it is with great pride and pleasure that I present to the world the Liver Punisher Tonic-less G&T Martini:

Ingredients:

- 2oz good quality gin

- Splash dry vermouth

- 1 dash bitters

- Generous wedge of lime, about 1/8-1/12 lime

Do It:

- Fill glass with ice and water, set aside to chill

- Fill a mixing glass with ice

- Pour splash of vermouth into mixing cup and swirl to coat ice and sides of cup. Pour off excess vermouth

- Add one dash of bitters and a generous squeeze of lime to the mixing cup, then add gin

- Stir for about thirty seconds

- Empty chilled glass and drop in spent lime wedge

- Strain drink into chilled glass and enjoy!

This martini, like most great drinks, is a pleasure for both the mouth and nose. The pine-y pungency of the gin is well balanced by the bold citrusy nose of the lime, while the subtle hint of the vermouth and bitters and the sour bite of the lime balance the ultra assertive taste of the gin. If made correctly the aftertaste should be very similar to a well balanced gin and tonic. And that’s one of the things I found most appealing about this recipe, the result yields a drink where taste evolves as each sip passes over the palate and down the throat.

The Return of the Revenge of Ridiculous Eats, Part 2: Eating Eggstravaganza!

2011-03-20T13:50:00.007-04:00

Not long ago a fellow food fiend posted this how-to slide show for Grilled-Cheese-Eggie-in-a-Basket. Take a moment to follow the link and click through. It’s cool, I’ll wait.

Back? Drooling? Me too. Her posting of this was totez ironic, and by “ironic” I mean completely coincidental, as I had just recently posted my suggestion to dip, not toast, but grilled cheese into a sunny-side-up or over-easy egg yolk. My one had just been upped.

Graciously accepting my second-place trophy I headed for the store for supplies. A dozen eggs and pack of cheese later I was ready for action. (Of course I already had bread and butter, how else am I supposed to make praline cinnamon toast? Duh.)

Back to matters at hand. With all the fixins and hardware in place it dawned on me that cooking two whole slices of bread and their centers separately in my modestly sized frying pan wasn’t happening. So I improvised. If you have been graced with an outsized frying pan, by all means follow the Serious Eats method, if not I think I finally got the medium-pan-method down after five tries.

Ingredients:

- Butter

- Cooking Oil

- Two Slices Bread

- Two Slices Cheese

- Two Eggs

Make it Happen:

- Place your well oiled, modestly sized frying pan on oven and begin heating to the medium range
- Assemble sandwich in traditional grilled cheese fashion, but don’t butter yet.
- Using a pastry ring, cup, or some sweet, sweet eyeballin abilities excise the center of the sandwich.
- Butter top and bottom of both parts of the sandwich.
- Place all parts in pan and allow side one to fry at medium for about a minute-and-a-half to two.
- Increase heat to high and flip sandwich parts.
- After a minute crack two eggs into the hollowed out center of the grilled cheese.
- Continue to cook on this side until the bottom of the egg has completely cooked and is solid enough to flip without running or leaking.
- Flip sandwich and center again, still on high and cook for thirty seconds to a minute to ensure both sides are sealed.
- Check the center cut-out for doneness and remove from heat if necessary, then reduce heat back to medium and cook the outside for two to three minutes.
- Plate.
- Enfuckingjoy!

This method has worked great for me once, really well for me twice, just “OK” once, and too runny once when I was rushing, hence the extra minute or two at the end which is dependant more on your runny-whites preference level. I like them pretty firm, but even the longest cook time I gave this never solidified the yolks, which is key. Without a pastry ring or round cookie cutter I found that eyeballing it and cutting out a square center was easier and more effective than trying to cut around the mouth of a small drinking glass, and buttering after cutting ensures that the butter and bread don’t stick to the cutting board/plate/counter.

And in a best-of-both-worlds coincicurrance chopping out the middle leaves a mini grilled cheese behind for yolk-dipping satisfaction. Like Paul Giamatti would say: “Win. Win.”

The Return of the Revenge of Ridiculous Eats, Part 1: Give Me Lenten Pizza Specials, or Give Me Death!

2011-03-20T11:54:00.003-04:00

Perusing Cleveland's Scene magazine has become a staple of my work-day lunch breaks. Cleveland's weekly alternative paper is one of the better free publications of most large cities I've been to. Competent writing, plenty of show listings, and hilarious ads. What more could one ask for? The comics back, for starters, but that's another article for another outlet.

Anywhozle, for the past few weeks I've been seeing adds for a pierogi pizza being served up by a Parma pizza palace called P. Jay's. Surprised? Maybe if it wasn't in Parma. Curious? You bet!

A very small amount of Google detective work led me to the P. Jay's Pizza website. A click or two later I arrived at this image:

Bam.

What more can say? What more could one ask for? I suppose my one question would be: Is there really extra butter added? In addition to the butter sauce? Seems a bit much, but then this wouldn't be a ridiculous eats entry if it wasn't, right?

I'm hoping to make it all the way out to Parma to give one a whirl soon. Further review when that occurs. In the mean time, sit back and revel in the knowledge that this is out there in the world, waiting to cram your arteries and gullet with buttery, pizza-y goodness!

Another Bullshit Night In Suck City

2011-03-18T12:01:00.001-04:00

I am a forgiving person by nature. Holding a grudge feels unnatural to me. It’s always seemed like way more effort to maintain animosity towards someone. This isn’t to say that trespasses forgiven are also forgotten, or that if I’ve been wronged by someone that I’m quick to let them back into my good graces, but I’m certainly willing to accept an apology and get on with it.

There are few facets of daily life in which I am more forgiving and understanding than the service industry. I’ve worked enough customer service jobs and have run across enough asshole customers that I am almost entirely empathetic with wait staff, bartenders, delivery drivers, operators, etc. These jobs are not the most fun or pleasant occupations. People expect pizza to be there as soon as the phone is hung up, they want to be the first served at the bar, and they want their problems fixed immediately despite the fact that it can’t be done, or that it can, just not by you and yelling isn’t going to make things happen faster. I get it. Believe me, I do.

And so it is extremely difficult for me to say this, but our service at XYZ the Tavern last night sucked. Worse than that if fucking blew. But more accurately it just wasn’t there. Bad service would’ve been an improvement and something that might is forgivable, but no service is completely and utterly impossible to ignore.

Now, quick readers will note the dates. Today is March 18, which means last night was… St. Patrick’s Day, one of the busiest bar days on the books. We knew that going into our evening out. We expected the bar to busy, it was, and the tables to be full, they were. But the staff, accommodating at first, cleared and cleaned the first available table. Brought us water even. And then…

Nothing.

Well, once I finished the little bit of beer I had left from the round we ordered at the bar while waiting it was bussed, but other than the busboy, I don’t think anyone noticed we were there.

But it was St. Patrick’s Day, be patient! We were. Very much so. Watching waiters and waitresses constantly pass by, delivering menus, drink, even food to every single table around us. Yeah, we had a menu, but we’d picked one off the bar when we came in. Certainly no one had brought one to the table. So we waited. And watched. And grew hungry and impatient until finally we left.

Do you know how many times I’ve done that? None. Never. Even at places where I’ve received terrible, slow, indifferent service I’ve never just left. And we tried and tried to justify this awful service, but as we could plainly see every one around us enjoying at least some attention from the servers we really couldn’t find a good reason to be treated so poorly.

It’s really difficult for me to write a bad review of anything, but there is no way I can find anything even remotely positive to say about XYZ the Tavern. And were the service merely poor or the food bad I might’ve been willing to try again someday in the future, but I can’t imagine a circumstance in which I would be willing to try eating there again. I’m not saying never, what I am saying is: really unfuckinglikely. And it pains me to say this as well, but this experience was so bad that it will be a while before I go back to ABC.

The Beauty Is In Its Simplicity

2011-02-11T11:13:00.005-05:00

As I'm sure I've mentioned on this blog before, I love breakfast. Save for oatmeal there aren't many breakfast dishes I dislike, but eggs in almost any form rank right at the top of the list, often in sandwich form. So, it was some surprise to me a month or so ago when I was contemplating a bacon'n'cheese sandwich a realised I didn't really want one. I wanted all the components of it, for sure, but not in the way I ususally constructed and consumed it.

I took a minute to think about it and began deconstructing the sandwich: eggs, cheese, bread. Simple. How could I reconfigure these in an equally delicious way, that sounded more appealing than the old-standby? Thankfully the answer struck me within a minute or two, and it was so obvious that I couldn't believe I'd never thought of it before. Take the egg out of the sandwich, use the cheese and bread to make grilled cheese, fry the egg over easy, dip the grilled cheese in the lovely, runny yolk, then enjoy some fried egg and grilled cheese. Simple, delicious, and absolutely satisfying, especially when doused with a little hot sauce.

I'll assume the average reader has grilled at least one cheese in his/her life so I'll skip that, but if you've only got one decent pan to your name I like to pop my grilled cheese in a 250 degree oven for a minute or two while I fry the eggs. Now, the only hitch is making a proper over easy egg, which I finally, after years of broken and over cooked yolks, discovered the secret to: a well oiled, screaming hot frying pan, non-stick if you got it. Crack the eggs into the hot pan and allow them to cook until they're set just enough to flip them. Once they've reached this stage quickly, but carefully, flip the egg and kill the heat. The pan is certainly hot enough to cook the top of the whites and lightly seal the yolk without totally cooking it. Let them sit this way just long enough to pull the the grilled cheese, then halve the sandwich and plate. Again, hot sauce is a nice addition, but completely optional. I think provolone and/or Swiss make for great grilled cheese, but Muenster and/or pepper jack are excellent, too. And a few strips of bacon couldn't hurt either right? And if one were to fry the grilled cheese and eggs in the rendered bacon fat, that wouldn't be too terrible either, right? Right.

The Fracas Affair

2011-02-06T14:35:00.004-05:00

Fracas, an American Gastro-Pub, is the latest addition to Cleveland’s ever expanding restaurant roster. Opening late last year in the Centrum Theater at the corner of Coventry and Euclid Heights Boulevard, I’d been curious about before it even opened due to its Gabbo-like hype campaign. A hand painted sign reading “Fracas” first appeared on the awning buttressed by the Dog House and Chipotle. Later a sign in the window declared that it “[was] Coming.” Eventually the signage disclosed that Fracas was going to be a restaurant around the same time I started seeing ads in Scene, Cleveland’s free weekly. So my curiosity had been piqued already when I noticed that the print ads Fracas was running were declaring it “The Best New Restaurant in Cleveland!” A rather bold statement, I thought; a challenge even. And so with little hesitation I agreed to accompany Nicole to this new spot for dinner this past Tuesday.

Luckily Fracas is only a few blocks from either of our apartments so braving the latest storm-of-the-century-of-the-week was little problem. We entered the front doors of the old Centrum building to find the hostess sitting behind the disused ticket counter. She quickly escorted us down the hall and into one of the theaters. With no real way of knowing from the outside, I was slightly shocked to find that Fracas is massive. With a 3 or 4 story high ceiling and taking up almost all of the theater’s former seating area, Fracas has the potential to accommodate some large crowds, throngs, even. A huge peninsula of a bar juts through the middle of the dining room, adorned with fifteen taps. Surrounded by several dozen high stools, the bar alone seats more than some restaurants in the area.

It seems we were the first to arrive, and being the only two guests in this cavernous space was a little strange, but the staff on hand was amazingly friendly so the slightly uncomfortable feeling was quickly assuaged. Glancing through the drink and food menus I was relieved to find the drink menu was notably larger than the food. While I appreciate options at restaurants I feel, sometimes, that a menu too large spreads the quality too thin, at least when it comes to food. A competent bar tender should be able to master a laundry list of libations, but too much variety in the kitchen can compromise quality even in the strongest kitchens. Making a final choice was tough, so we just picked drinks first. I went local with an Old 21 Imperial IPA from Strongsville’s Brew Kettle. A rich, gold/blond colored ale with a touch of head and decent lacing, Old 21 is packed with citrusy hops, mostly grapefruit with a hint of orange and pine, and a pleasant bitter-malt aftertaste that borders the taste profile of some barley wines. Nicole chose Stone’s Levitation, an American amber ale with a strong hop presence but without the heft of a lot of Stone’s other offerings. Similar to Arrogant Bastard, but it’s possible to drink more than one or two Levitations in an evening if inclined.

With drink orders in we were still uncertain of our food choices so we selected an appetizer from the simple but well appointed offerings. House made potato chips with bacon onion dip was the final call, although the calamari, shell fish, and pretzels also sounded promising. The chips were solid, but not the best homemade chips I’ve ever had, they either needed to be dried more thoroughly pre-fry or drained better post-fry. Either way a fair few were greasy and limp and still tasting of fryer oil, the successful chips were wonderful. But the real star of this opening act was the dip, taking rich, decadent onion dip, always a favorite, and ratcheting up the deliciousness with bacon was inspired. The sweet/saltiness of the bacon balanced out the creaminess of the dip base, while the pork fat partnered with the mayo and sour cream for a ménage trois of artery wrecking flavor.

Our minds now slightly relieved of order anxiety we were finally able to place entrée orders. I selected the angus burger under the belief that most restaurants can be reasonably judged based on the execution of their burger. Nicole chose excellent sounding gnocchi. On such a slow night orders arrived quickly and we were able to dive right in. My burger, ordered somewhere south of medium and north of medium-rare, was cooked perfectly, solid seer on the outside, equally pink and brown in, allowing for the maximum flavor combination of meat and heat. And, man, was it meaty! Like beef on ten, just a few nibbles of meat this good could convert most of PETA. Topped with caramelized onions in Port reduction, apple wood bacon, and smoked Gouda, Fracas could almost be accused of gilding the lily with this dish. Luckily all the ingredients married so well that it was like devouring a four part harmony between grilled brioche. For my side I picked the fries (the other option being the chips, but we’d already ordered those), which were obviously cut fresh and delicious, if a little soft on the outside. Nicole’s gnocchi was also excellent. Locally made Ohio City black pepper gnocchi came swimming in a smoked gouda Alfredo and accompanied by wild mushrooms, leeks, English peas, and grape tomatoes; as rich, hearty, and delicious as it sounds. My main concern when I saw the menu entry for it was that the gouda Alfredo would overwhelm the rest of the dish, but it was elegantly subtle, offering a rich smokiness on the back end of the palette, while allowing the rest of the swimmers room to shine. The meaty wild shrooms were the co-stars of this picture while the leeks provided some much needed onion-y high notes in this sumptuous affair, and the tomatoes and peas provided color and texture contrasts. An absolutely delicious but extraordinarily filling dish.

We agreed that our first experience with this new restaurant was great and warranted another visit in the near future, possibly for the fish and chips, meatloaf, or risotto. Or maybe just to try the intriguing beer-amisu from the dessert menu. Maybe not the best restaurant in Cleveland, Fracas is definitely a welcome addition and well worth a stop.

We Should Just Quit Now

2011-01-15T22:00:00.003-05:00

If you haven't seen the Epic Meal Time videos on YouTube, what the hell are you waiting for? Canadians pwn the laughable food market on teh internets...

12 Beers of Christmas: Great Lakes Christmas Ale

2010-12-25T03:05:00.006-05:00

Ohio beer lovers (especially Clevelanders) always get giddy when November rolls around because that means it's Christmas Ale season. It's kinda ridiculous how much hype this beer gets in the Buckeye State, and this year was no exception. However, to throw a wrinkle in this annual tradition, Great Lakes Brewing Company sent a larger than normal percentage of their seasonal Christmas Ale out of state, leaving a smaller supply here in Ohio.

As I mentioned when I first started this series, I had to check several places before I finally found a shop that had any in stock, and even then sales were limited to 1 per customer. When my review copy was inadvertently consumed by a certain very occasional poster to this blog, I temporarily freaked out, knowing that more Christmas Ale would be hard to come by. My ladyfriend and I were at our local Giant Eagle grocery store when we saw a patron exiting the premises with a sixer of Christmas Ale. We immediately made haste for the beer aisle, only to find out that he had bought the last one. We momentarily considered heading back outside and jumping the poor bastard for his beer. Figured we should probably take his shoes too while we're at it, since there's precedent.

We headed back to the Pace-High carryout, the site of my initial score. Unfortunately, there was no Christmas Ale in the cooler. Dejected but not defeated, I asked the guys there if they were going to get any more in. One of them answered "I can probably spare you a six pack," and headed for the stock room. Our eyes lit up. Upon his return he told us "We're just trying to keep it fair. People are actually selling this stuff on Craigslist."

Whoa. Further research would prove this claim to be true.

So I guess the over-arching goal of the 12 Beers of Christmas is to see if Great Lakes Christmas Ale is really the king of the holiday beers, or if it's just the egotistical preening and posturing that Clevelanders have turned into an art form. After 11 beers of varying strengths and weaknesses, it was finally time to put Great Lakes to the test.

The pour is a coppery amber and crystal clear. The off-white head is thick and persistent. Not only did it have the longest duration of any of the beers I sampled, but it also laced to the glass quite nicely.

The beer gives off a strong aroma of honey and ginger, the latter I'd expect from a winter warmer, but not the former. It's not playing coy: this beer wants you to smell it, and you don't have to try very hard to pinpoint the rich ingredients.

My first sip delivers on the honey and spices, but with a more robust malt character. I get a very nice base of sweet toffee beneath the strong ginger and honey flavors. This is medium bodied with average carbonation. The finish is a really nice caramel sweetness around the malt.

This is an astounding tasting beer that will leave you craving more. You'll have to be careful drinking more than one of these, as the high gravity 7.5% ABV can get you shit-cranked in a hurry. That's what a winter warmer should do, but it does bear precaution.

Overall, I have to say that Great Lakes Christmas Ale is worthy of the hyperbolic accolades bestowed upon it by proud Clevelanders. Several of the beers in this feature have rated very highly (Columbus Winter Warmer, Shiner Holiday Cheer, and Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale in particular), but the Great Lakes edges all of them out. This is one beer truly worth searching for.

Beer Advocate readers: B+
Justin: A

12 Beers of Christmas: Shiner Holiday Cheer and Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale

2010-12-25T01:57:00.005-05:00

Texas governor Rick Perry recently said that he'd support his state's secession from the Union and turn Texas back into an independent republic. While this treasonous outlook is cast off as little more than political rhetoric, the idea that some of the Lone Star State's finest products would only be available as "imports" frightens the hell out of me. For one thing, I don't want to have to show a passport just to be able to eat some of the world's best BBQ brisket. For another, if my access to Shiner Bock is cut off, I'll have to drink Michelob Amber Bock, which gives me nasty nightmares and hellacious hangovers.

I'm a big fan of the Spoetzl Brewery, makers of Shiner beers. When choosing my 12 Beers of Christmas, this was a no-brainer. I've never been disappointed by any Shiner product, not even their Smokehaus lager (though it may have been the single strangest beer I've ever tasted). The only disappointing part of this beer, to me, was that I had to wait so long to finally review it.

Shiner Holiday Cheer is based on the Dunkelweizen style - literally a "dark wheat" - but has its own special character. The pour reveals a clear beer with a deep mahogany color, the "dunkel" in "dunkelweizen." It has a tan frothy head with minimal lacing.

One of the first thing that strikes me about this beer is the strong aroma of peaches that it puts off. There are also traces of brown sugar and lightly toasted pecans, but the fruit is themajor player here.

The taste follows the aroma as expected with something unique like this. The peach and pecan flavors are dominant, with some Belgian-like wheat notes filling out the body. The sweetness and nuttiness play off each other perfectly, and while there are no obvious hop tastes to speak of, the other flavors are very well balanced.

Holiday Cheer is a crisp drink, medium thin body, with a very pleasant toasted nut finish. I was already craving another one of these before I even finished the first one. At 5.4%, it's not going to kill you to knock a few of these back. I'm sure since it's fruity and without a prevalent hops flavor, a lot of of beer purists are going to knock this. Too bad for them: orthodoxy often leads to killing your enjoyment of anything new. I'll bet Rick Perry still eats hot dogs with ketchup and PBJ sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

Beer Advocate readers: B
Justin: A-

I feel the need to come out and say that I am not a hop-head, not even a little bit. I generally avoid pale ales and IPAs like the plague; I just don't dig on all that bitterness. Don't get me wrong, I've had some wonderful hop-heavy brews, but it's not my cup of tea, er, beer.

That said, I've never really been a huge fan of the Sierra Nevada offerings. Their pale ale is almost a standard in the style and is so popular that you can find it at even the least reputable watering holes. I realize that it is a really good beer, but it's never my first choice, probably not even in my top 50. So when I read the label and it said that Celebration Ale's primary job is to show off the first batch of hops from the growing season, I figured I was in for a tongue punisher.

Celebration Ale pours a coppery amber, and it's cloudy, probably because of it's hop concentration. It's got a thick off-white head that laces to the glass and doesn't let go.

Not surprisingly, the aroma is primarily hops. I get a lot of grapefruit and a little bit of pine. I don't necessarily associate grapefruit with a winter beer, but I'm keeping an open mind on this one.

The taste is a surprise. Yes, it's very hoppy, as an American IPA should be, but it's luscious. Strong hop bitterness, but rounded out by a citrus sweetness complimented by earthiness and florals. It's got a medium body with crisp effervescence. The finish is hoppy dryness, another IPA trademark.

Even with my general avoidance of hoppy beers, the Celebration Ale really impressed me. It's well-rounded character was a pleasant surprise after the aroma led me to believe this was going to bruise my taste buds. This beer is getting high praise and it definitely deserves it.

Beer Advocate readers: A-
Justin: A-

12BoC: Goose Island Mild Winter, Harpoon Winter Warmer & Magic Hat Howl

2010-12-23T00:25:00.005-05:00

Hey, it's Christmas time; a guy's gotta do his shopping sometime, right? Sorry to have left you sans beer reviews. Here's a tripleheader to get us caught up.

I used to have a bunch of friends in Chicago, since the stylish thing to do after college was to move to the Windy City. Most of them have given up on Chicago, but I've inherited quite a few new friends due to my impending nuptials. My old friends and my new friends are quite disparate groups, but they all have one thing in common: they like drinkin', and Goose Island is a pretty impressive Chicago brewery.

I've been known to knock back their 312 wheat ale, the Summertime kölsch, and even their IPA when I'm feeling masochistic. I have to admit, though, that the Mild Winter was not in my original review queue. I only picked it up after the project started, but I was pretty impressed by this and I was tired of writing bad reviews of beers, so I bumped a beer which shall not be named and never looked back.

Goose Island classifies the Mild Winter as an American Mild Ale, but it could just as easily be called a Rye Beer. It pours out a deep rich brown with a frothy, bubbly, off-white head that laces itself to the glass. It doesn't have a very strong aroma, some caramel malts and a slight whiff of dark fruit. On the surface, not altogether impressive, but looks (and smells) can be deceiving.

Upon first sip, I thought maybe I was drinking a coffee stout. Coffee and roasted malts dominate here, with a healthy amount of rye and cinnamon, though not overpowering. It's got a very pleasant sweetness to it, and at times a little bit of candied apple poke through. Really nice, unique balance of flavors: rye has a tendency to want to dominate a drink, which makes this even more impressive.

The aftertaste is primarily malty sweetness, but not too intense. This is very drinkable, and at 5.6% ABV, not likely to put you on your ass without a concerted effort. Like I mentioned from the outset, this was a really good brew that wormed its way into the 12 Beers through sheer merit. Kudos to Goose Island and here's to wishing a Mild Winter upon my Chicago pals.

Beer Advocate readers: B+
Justin: B+

A couple of days ago while reviewing the Flying Dog K-9 Cruiser, I wished to Santa Claus that some of these Christmas beers would either be objectively exceptional, or at the very least flame out trying to do something unique. Harpoon answered my call, putting forward a polarizing Winter Warmer that would make grading this beer very difficult.

I have to admit, I have never had a single beer from the Harpoon Brewery, a Boston institution since 1986. This being my first, I'm interested to try their other varieties because if they go all out with those like they do with the Winter Warmer, I'd imagine they're worth a shot.

Pouring this out, you get this beautiful reddish copper color. It's crystal clear with some visible effervescence, and the creamy off-white head is just icing on the cake. Or should I say pie?

You can't miss the aroma of this beer, as it assaults your olfactory nerves with an onslaught of spice - cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, ginger - it really does smell like a pumpkin pie, minus the pumpkin, of course.

The first sip surprised the hell out of me. I knew I was going to get a fair amount of spice, but this beer tastes like it was stirred with a candy cane. Very sweet with a blast of cinnamon and nutmeg. It's very crisp despite its sweetness, thanks in part to the juniper-esque hops used to balance the malts and spice. The slight hoppy finish is enticement enough to find the bottom of the glass and then refill it.

This beer is not for everyone. It is a textbook winter warmer: heavily spiced, though a little on the light side at 5.8% ABV. A lot of people are going to be turned off by this as it doesn't have much of a hop or malt character. I, on the other hand, really enjoyed this and wouldn't hesitate to pick up another sixer to get me through the rest of this holiday season.

Beer Advocate readers: C+
Justin: B+

On Monday night, instead of reviewing Christmas beers, I was getting soused on Magic Hat #9 with my ex-bandmates, The Kyle Sowashes. Ever since Columbus Brewing Company discontinued their Apricot Ale, #9 has been my go to when I get a hankering for apricot beer.

Aside: this peculiar palette demand was opened up by drinking Rolling Rock when I was in college. My dad always swore that Rolling Rock was about a step and a half below piss, and while I acknowledge that it's not a high-class affair, I'll defend my consumption on the grounds that it was what I could routinely get for free or cheap that wasn't Natty Light. Also, my dad drinks Milwaukee's Best Light. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, I'm generally amenable to Magic Hat brews - their summer Wacko was a big hit for me - so I figured this beer would do OK by me. The Howl, marketed as a "black-as-night winter lager," started off by at least living up to its description. It is incredibly dark, though not as dense and opaque as the Anchor offering, which was virtually impenetrable to light. The bubbly beige head has a little bit of lacing against the glass.

Now, this is a lager, so I wasn't expecting a knockout aroma, but I also wasn't expecting it to be as subdued as it is. I have to strain to get the faintest whiff of smoky malt and maybe a hint of black licorice. Weird, but acceptable from a brewery that regularly churns out "Odd Notion" beers.

Howl is another very roasty brew, kinda like the Goose Island above, but not as well balanced. The roasted malts play with the bitter hops to produce some unholy amalgamation of toffee and charcoal. It's a pretty thin beer, as lagers generally are, and it drinks more carbonated than it looks.

Here's the real downer: the I get that black licorice back in the aftertaste, but it's laden with ash and rancidity. I've pretty much got to force this one down, and I am not compelled to drink another one. In fact, I pretty much just want to wash my mouth out. This beer might be appealing to somebody (judging by the BeerAdvocate ratings, more than I can imagine), but I will never put this in my taste hole ever again. I'll keep it out of the "avoid" range if only for the fact that it's still better than Beast Light.

Beer Advocate readers: B
Justin: C-

12 Beers of Christmas: Flying Dog K-9 Cruiser Winter Ale

2010-12-20T01:12:00.003-05:00

OK, I'm kinda getting sick of these Christmas beers. Really, who's great idea was this anyway? The reviews almost write themselves at this point: "malty, spiced, strong, 'B.'" I'd really like more of these beers to excel (like the Columbus offering) or at least flame out spectacularly trying to do something different (like the Anchor).

I had some hopes for the Flying Dog entry in to the holiday fray: a strong English ale called "K-9 Cruiser." A brewery that has built its marketing around being "out there" - they're big fans of Hunter S. Thompson - should be able to make this a remarkable beer.

Think again.

I could probably cut and paste the review for the Columbus Winter Warmer, then take out everything that I enjoyed about it and have an adequate review of the K-9 Cruiser. Starting with the pour, we get a rich reddish-amber with no cloudiness. The head is impressive, a light creamy color that leaves very good lacing despite its quick dissipation.

The aroma doesn't jump out at you. It's a repressed mixture of malt, cinnamon and copper that doesn't really make me want to drink it. It certainly doesn't make me want to smell it.

Like the Columbus beer, the hops are the star of the show here, but not in a pleasurable way. You get the blast of piney hops with a little bit of light roasted malt and some well hidden spice notes that are blasted away by the hops. Don't get me wrong, we're not talking IPA-level bitterness here, but it's turning me off as far as winter beers are concerned.

It feels a tad thicker than previous offerings and isn't heavily carbonated. Still at a strong 7.4% and with this much bitterness, it's not the most drinkable beer I've tasted in this experiment, which leaves me wondering if it has any real redeeming qualities. I guess if I were a bigger hops fan and this didn't advertise itself as a winter ale, I might like it. However, as is I've gotta put this K-9 to sleep.

Beer Advocate readers: B-
Justin: C

12 Beers of Christmas: Columbus Winter Warmer

2010-12-18T20:32:00.002-05:00

As much as people around these parts clamor for the Great Lakes Christmas Ale, you'd think nobody in this town brewed anything worthwhile. Enter the Columbus Brewing Company. I've been a fan of most everything this brewery produces, but especially the Scottish Ale (formerly known as the 90 Schilling Ale), the Summerteeth seasonal, and the recently discontinued Apricot Ale. So, when I got a chance to pick up their Winter Warmer, I jumped at the opportunity.

This one would not disappoint, and after my experience with two of the beers in this project (the Bell's and Brooklyn offerings), I needed something to come through and wow me. This is a true winter warmer, clocking in at a heavy 6.8% ABV.

The pour is nothing special: a reddish-amber color with some slight cloudiness. The thin, white head was somewhat disappointing, but would prove to be the only real low point of this beer.

The preliminary smell test reveals a robust aroma of pine, ginger, cinnamon, and lighter notes of berries and caramel malt. Definitely smells like a winter warmer should.

The initial sip gives me a hoppy hit, the first of these beers to do so. Most of these winter seasonals have been all about the malt, but the Columbus Winter Warmer gives a great first impression with hops reminiscent of juniper mingling with the heavy presence of ginger and cinnamon. There's a really pleasurable caramel malt body here that serves as a base for the spice and hops, rather than overpowering you with sweetness. Really nicely done.

It's got a pretty thin texture, not heavily carbonated but still feels crisp. Since the hops are the main player here, I'm not surprised that I get a slight dry, hoppy finish. This is one that I could knock back a few pints of on a cold, Columbus night. Matter of fact, I think I may already have accomplished that particular mission.

CBC really hits a home run with their Winter Warmer, and I'm not just saying that as hometowner. This is more than worth a try and gives the highly vaunted Great Lakes varietal a serious run for its money.

Beer Advocate readers: B+
Justin: A-

12 Beers of Christmas: Brooklyn Winter Ale

2010-12-18T00:24:00.003-05:00

There aren't many things in Brooklyn that are genuine (obvious link to Look At This Fucking Hipster here), but the Brooklyn Brewery is one of them. From the heart of Williamsburg comes an unpretentious brewery that got to where it is through hard work and offering something of substance. Weird, right?

Brooklyn Winter Ale - much like the Bell's Christmas Ale - eschews the trappings of the Christmas/Winter beer varietal. No additional spices, fruits, etc.: this beer is a traditional Scottish ale, envisioned to be a tasty companion to a long winter. I guess I just don't understand this trend of creating something and pretending it's something else. Then again, I'm not from Brooklyn.

The Winter Ale is a deep reddish amber, clear but with heavy visible carbonation. The light beige head is very thin and dissipates quickly.

It doesn't do much for the nose: some caramel malt aroma with a slight undertone of pine from the Willamette hops.

The taste follows the aroma with caramel malts being the key player. Very strong and complex malt character, just like a Scottish should. There is one flavor note in this that cuts through the malts: iron. Like blood. Gross.

It's got a smooth body and the initial effervescence dies down after a sits a minute (as evidenced by the rapid dissipation of the head) which makes it quite drinkable. The aftertaste, thankfully, is slight, made up mostly of sugary malt sweetness.

It's really too bad that the one metallic note ruins this whole beer because I really enjoyed most everything else about it. But, like Brooklyn itself, it only takes one bad element to tarnish the entire beer's reputation.

Beer Advocate readers: B
Justin: C

12 Beers of Christmas: Bell's and Breckenridge Christmas Ales

2010-12-16T21:10:00.005-05:00

Sorry I missed you guys yesterday. As it turns out, committing to do something every day requires, um, commitment. I'm making up for it today with a double dose of holiday hops.

Ah, Bell's. Creator of the famous Two-Hearted Ale, the highly demanded Hopslam seasonal, and the Oberon wheat ale (one of my summer favorites.) The brewer's reputation is beyond reproach, so was I ever surprised when I tasted this bland, boring, run-of-the-mill "Christmas Ale." In quotes, you see, because this is not really a Christmas ale or winter warmer at all: it's essentially an amber ale, which is strange since Bell's already has an Amber Ale.

According to the brewer's statement, Bell's set out to create a beer that "would stand apart from the array of spiced winter warmers that are typically introduced this time of year." No spices, no outlandish flavors, just Michigan-grown barley and hops. Am I the only person who thinks that it's a cop-out to call this a Christmas ale? If I had known what Bell's was shooting for, I would've left this one on the shelf.

As you can see in the photo, this beer is a rich amber color and a little cloudy. The head is off-white and medium thick. You can see the effervescent build-up on the side of the glass. The appearance of this beer would turn out to be the high point.

Holding the glass up to my nose, I get... nothing. OK, maybe not nothing, but not what I would expect from a Bell's product. Very slight hop aroma and a little bit of copper. Metallic. Mmm, totally makes my mouth water.

Now that I'm all warmed up to this, let's take a sip. Part of the mission here was to make this drinkable (a "session" beer), and at least that part was accomplished. At 5.5% ABV, I could probably take down quite a few of these. It drinks easily: subtle flavors of hops, citrus peel, and a hint of granny smith apple make it palatable, but the intense carbonation distracts, even detracts, from the taste.

Not much of an aftertaste - hops and a touch of leather - nothing that would cut into this beer's precious drinkability. It's too bad that all I'll remember about Bell's Christmas Ale is how many of them I'll drink in a row. Or not.

Beer Advocate readers: B
Justin: C

Two years ago I spent a week in Denver for the Democratic Convention. I don't remember many details from that week, primarily because a great percentage of Colorado breweries are phenomenal. New Belgium, Left Hand, Great Divide, Boulder Beer Company, Avery: these are no lightweights. Beer is a big, big deal in this state. As if to prove it, the governor-elect John Hickenlooper is the founder of Wynkoop Brewing Company, Colorado's first brewpub.

Breckenridge may not have the national profile or the celebrity factor, but they make some fine brews. I remember downing some of their Avalanche Ale during my time in Denver, a nice cold amber ale that washed away those hot August days. Yes, I was drinking in the daytime.

The Christmas Ale is Breckenridge's only winter seasonal, available in November and December. The brewers call it an "American strong ale" and it is strong at 7.4% ABV. Despite their self-classification, this is a pretty traditional winter warmer and not a bad one at that.

The pour reveals a beautiful, deep mahogany color. This beer is as clear as the mountain stream water used to brew it. What, they just use Denver tap water? Um, ok. The head was a complementary beige and somewhat thin. Just a gorgeous looking beer.

The malty nose was fainter than I expected, with hints of blackberries and mild spice. The taste followed the aroma, but with more robust caramel malts and spiciness, maybe even a little bit of red licorice. Its relatively thin mouthfeel and light carbonation make this an easy one to drink. Just remember this one's packing a punch, cowboy.

It leaves a very slight sugary aftertaste, and I really wish that this aftertaste is what I had gotten from the Anchor Christmas Ale I reviewed on Day 1. If that beer had this aftertaste, it would've been an "A-," maybe even an "A." Of course, if the Breckenridge had anywhere near the flavor profile of the Anchor, it would rate higher. And those guys at Breckenridge would be rich and up to their butts in medals.

Overall, this is a pretty good entry, but lacks a real standout flavor to carry it up to the next level.

Beer Advocate readers: B-
Justin: B

The 12 Beers of Christmas: Anchor Christmas Ale

2010-12-14T22:33:00.003-05:00

My ladyfriend had been jonesing for the 2010 version of Great Lakes Brewing's Christmas Ale, and as any good man should, I scoured the city in search of this 4-time gold medal winner. I had heard that it was in high demand and short supply this year, but I didn't believe it until I struck out a handful of times trying to find it. I finally descended upon one of my favorite Columbus specialty booze retailers, Pace-High Carryout, where the victorious glow of Great Lakes Christmas Ale was eclipsed by a hand-scrawled note on the cooler door: "One 6-pack per customer." Since I couldn't stock up, I took advantage of Pace-High's charming "build-your-own-six-pack" cooler and cobbled together a variety of Christmas beers, winter warmers, and other year-end brews.

BEHOLD! THE TWELVE BEERS OF CHRISTMAS!!!

I will review one holiday beer every day through Christmas Day, starting with this venerable tradition from the Anchor Brewing Company.

Anchor's Christmas Ale (formerly known as "Our Special Ale") is a standard-bearer of the Christmas beer variety. 2010 marks the 36th brewing of Christmas Ale, with the recipe changing annually. Anchor changes the tree that adorns the label every year as well; according to this brew's marketing materials "Since ancient times, trees have symbolized the winter solstice when the earth, with its seasons, appears born anew." This year's tree is the ginkgo biloba, which may be fitting: this beer comes highly touted, but its merits are questionable when compared to the hype.

As you can see from the photo above, this beer is dark, something similar to an American brown ale as far as color, body and malt complexities go. Held to light, it doesn't appear very cloudy, but it's so damn dark that it's hard to tell. The head is a light tan and relatively thin: it dissipated while I was grabbing my notebook to jot down my observations.

This beer emits a strong aroma of dark fruits - especially cranberries and tart cherries - that dance within roasted malts and nutmeg. This just smells like a Christmas beer should, and it seems like it would be a perfect compliment to a well-brined roasted turkey or goose.

I take my first sip and it hits me like a tannin-rich red wine: sweet and bold, but with a sharp nuttiness. The fruit flavors take the lead, complemented by roasted malt undertones.

Seeing a beer this dark, I expected it to have a porter-like texture, but it's thinner and more delicate. Still, very smooth with little carbonation, almost velvety if it weren't so thin.

Unfortunately, after the bold, fruity body, you're left with a dry, bitter, almost medicinal aftertaste of roasted malt and citrus peel. A real disappointment since I was so impressed with this beer until the very end.

Beer Advocate readers give this an "A-" based on 163 reviews.

Justin gives Anchor Christmas Ale a solid "B."

The C^6 or: ConstantCommentChocolateChocolateChipCookies

2010-12-01T16:52:00.004-05:00

A coworker recently suggested that we have a holiday cookie exchange at work this week. Always game for some baking I said I'd participate, but what to bring? I flipped through some recipes I had saved on my computer, but nothings sounded that amazing. I mean they're all good picks, but I'd made them all before and I try my best to not repeat a performance in the kitchen, regardless of the projects success of failure. There are just to damn many recipes in the world to shackle myself to one or two for all of eternity. So I was thinking about flavors and Googling random combinations of words when it hit me.

I suddenly recalled a few weeks prior when I'd been snacking on some chocolates and a cup of Earl Grey tea. While certainly no stranger to the delightful combination of citrus and chocolate I was struck by how exceptionally delicious this particular mixture was. For the rest of the day and maybe the day after I pondered further applications of these flavors. Earl Grey Hot Coco? Earl Grey Chocolate Cake? But was ultimately stymied in pursuing these ventures by my lack of Bergamont oil, the cornerstone of Earl Grey subtle yet sumptuous flavor. Not yet foiled I began to consider other similar combinations. Didn't Constant Comment also feature a bold citrus note? Did it not also feature a melange of spices that sang alto and tenor to the orange-y high soprano? And wouldn't a rich, booming, chocolaty bass note round out this gastronomic barbershop quartet?

With the idea in place I began to piece together the puzzle of this recipe. It would be a chocolate chocolate-chip cookie for sure, light on the chips, with the spicy, orange zing of Constant Comment hidden within. The cookie part was easy, a simple variation on basic cookie recipes, but unlocking the secrets to the spices would prove to be harder.

Consulting the side of the box and the Bigelow website was about as helpful as asking the Colonel for help in decoding the secret to chicken seasoning, or Mr. A-Cola for the secret to his coke recipe. "Black tea, orange, spices" were all the help they were going to give. I started to scour the Internet for hints or ideas as to what spices should be employed and more importantly in what proportions.

Any drinker of Constant Comment will note that the spices, while bold and assertive, never dominate the flavor of orange and tea, it's a very delicate balance that has been struck but the Bigelows are traipsing that tight rope with ease. My concern was both over and under spicing the cookies. Too much and the cookies would be ruined. Too little and, well, what was the point of digging through the spice cabinet?

Eventually I'd found a few recipes in which people had attempted to channel the flavor of Constant Comment into assorted pastries, primarily cakes. While the amounts and formulations for a cake batter and cookie dough would surely be different, the consensus amongst internet bakers and tea aficionados was that cinnamon and clove where the important flavors in CC, but how much was an entirely different story. Checking the recipes for a number of spice cookie recipes I soon noticed a trend in spice ratios. Specifically checking the cinnamon-to-clove rates it seemed that for every teaspoon of cinnamon being used there was usually about a quarter teaspoon of clove for a comparably sized recipe--that is to say 3 cups flour, 2 sticks butter, and sugars in a pair, tree. The only other component to quantify was the orange. What was the best way to get orange flavor into a cookie? My first thought was liquid orange extract with a boost from real orange zest. My shopping excursion failed to yield any such elixir, but from various web recipes I was able to determine that truly orange-y cookies required an orange's worth of zest or so. But the big, bad bass in these cookies was going to be brash and robust so timid little orange was going to need help making its voice heard along with all the other voices. I invited a friend along for the ride.

With all the players in place I set out to create my cookies, but would they turn out? Were this going to sing with the angels on high or would the be, "kinda pitchy, dawg"? I would soon see.

When I finally hit the kitchen, iPod ready to rock, this is the recipe I was packing:

Ingredients:
• 2¼ cup flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• ½ cup unsweetened cocoa
• 1 teaspoon cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon cloves
• 2 sticks butter, softened
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar, packed
• 2 large eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• Zest of 2 medium/large oranges
• ½ bag dark chocolate chips

Directions:
• Preheat oven to 375
• Sift together flour, salt, baking soda, cocoa, and spices
• In the work bowl of a blender cream together granulated sugar and butter until light an fluffy
• Add brown sugar and continue to cream
• Once butter and sugars are well combined add the eggs one at a time followed by the vanilla
• Add orange zest and mix
• Gradually mix the flour mixture into the butter/sugar mix
• Once all ingredients are thoroughly combined stir in chocolate chips
• Drop by the tablespoonful onto parchment lined sheets
• Bake on center rack of oven for 10-12 minutes or until edges are slightly darkened and just set
• Allow to rest on pan for a minute before transferring to wire cooling racks

If the smell of the dough and the baking cookies were reasonable indicators, as so often they are, then I felt for sure I was on to something. And when the first sheet emerged from the oven and had cooled enough for consumption I was more than pleased with what I had wrought. One of the most interesting things that occurred during the prep, cooking, and eating of these beauties, though, was the dominance of the spices in the dough and the emergence of the orange in the finished product. Smelling and sampling some uncooked dough I was pleased by the spiciness. Cinnamon's tenor and clove's alto were harmonizing beautifully while chocolate did it's best Barry White, but sweet little orange, while on stage and belting its lungs out, seemed to have a bum mic. However, following an intermission in the oven and a second act on the cooling rack orange found its voice, dueling with chocolate for vocal supremacy while relegating the spice twins to the status of the Pips, Vandellas, or Miracles. No less important, just less recognizable

In closing I offer these variations for future applications of this recipe. Enjoy!

Options:
• Try using orange extract in lieu of vanilla for a stronger orange flavor
• Try using 1½ teaspoon of cinnamon and ½ teaspoon of clove for a more intense spiciness
• Try cocoa nibs instead of dark chocolate chips for a more bitter/sweet taste, 4-6oz should do

The First Blanksbliving

2010-11-26T15:21:00.007-05:00

Nick, Laura, and myself (otherwise known as “Blick,” “Blaura,” and “Blon”) recently celebrated the newly anointed holiday of Blanksbliving. A prelude to, or perhaps warm up for, Thanksgiving, Blanksbliving is an autumnal feast that celebrates gluttony, drunkenness, bowling, ice cream, and fine cinema. Blanksbliving should be observed the Monday prior to Thanksgiving. Here’s a look at the very first Blanksbliving.

The Bowling of the Ball Towards the Pins:
Almost every holiday comes with some sort of traditional activity, usually in conjunction with binge drinking, although in the case of New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day excessive alcohol consumption is the traditional activity. The Forth of July, for example, celebrates our country’s independence by blowing up small portions of it. Christmas has gift giving and religious lip service. Halloween has become national Show-Your-Slutty-Side day. Traditional Thanksgiving has Turkey Trots and football. Blanksbliving is no exception. On Blanksbliving we honor our forefathers’ struggles against small wooden objects by bowling heavy objects at them in an attempt to knock as many over as possible. Blick, Blaura, and I paid our respects at Capri Lanes where we each earned a variety of holiday commendations. Blick for fastest bowl and highest single game score, Blaura for most improved bowling and most Skee-Ball played, I for most wins and highest overall score. We gave blanks to all those who fell to the pins in the past by felling several hundred in return.

The Appetizing of the Feasters by Pizza:
The Feast can only begin after Feasters have indulged in an appetite stimulating pizza mini-feast. The first Feast’s pizza and cheese bread appetizers were delivered by Donato’s.

The Preparation of the Feast of Feasts by the Feasters:
Having worked up an appetite on the lanes we made a few stops for extra provisions before heading home to prepare the Feast of Feasts. Butter, gravy, alcohol, and more ice cream were on the shopping list, all staples of the Feast, as well as cutlery. For like so many before us we were without knives with which to prepare our meal. With everything properly assembled it was time to begin the prep. Blick began the Baking of the Brownies while I boiled water for the Mashing of the Potatoes. I must admit that I was nervous as this would be my first Mashing of the Potatoes but I was confident that my Blankfulness would carry me through. And it did!

With the two most time consuming portions of The Feast completed we began phase two of the cooking with Blaura’s Stirring of the Stove-Top stuffing and Blick’s Frying of the Bacon.

The feast was nearly complete, all that was left was the Heating of the Gravy and the Frying of the Turkey Dogs in Bacon Grease, perhaps the shortest cook times of any of the components of The Feast, these portions are just as important and significant to the feast as any other. Let not their short investments of time belie or belittle their importance.

The Heaping of the Plates:
With all the elements of The Feast in place Blick, Blaura, and I assembled our mighty food piles on the decorative Plates of the Feast. While the base foods of The Feast are universal, their arrangements are as individual as the Feasters.

The Drinking of the Booze:
With so much food to consume during The Feast, Feasters need a refreshing and seasonally appropriate draught to quench their deep down body thirst. While beers, both root and regular, would be fine libations, the drink of the First Blanksbliving was then and will forever be the Blank Blilliams. Comprised of Wild Turkey 101 and apple cider the Blank Blilliams refreshes the palate and esophagus while enlightening the brain, liver, and Q-Zone.

Just Desserts and Other Happy Endings:
A great and glorious feast such as this must surely end with a sweet coda. To this end we amassed an unrivaled stock pile of frozen treats. The First Blanksbliving Dessert Feast consisted of: But other personal choices can certainly be opted in assuming they are indeed Blanksworthy and delightfully silly.

The Viewing of the Movies:
Once the Feasters have finished at least one helping of the feast movies are viewed to stimulate the digestive process. Cheese-ball 80’s jiggle-fests and cult sci-fi flicks are the recommended course of action, but any exceedingly entertaining fare is fine so long as it promotes heckling or the recitation of the movie’s dialogue by the Feasters and further drinking and/or eating.

We certainly enjoyed the first ever Blanksbliving, we hope you can join us next year. If you are not able to for some reason, please celebrate in your own way and share the experience with the rest of us here on the blinternet.

Blappy Blanksbliving, Bleveryone!

Pozole (to be sung to the tune of "Volare")

2010-11-17T16:48:00.004-05:00

I know, I know, you're thinking: "Man, I've been nixtamalizing corn all summer and fall, what am I going to do with all this hominy? Everyone I know is so sick of grits." I've got one word for you...

Pozole!

Traditional Mexican pork, hominy and chile stew. The pre-conquistador Aztec version used fresh human meat. Spanish priests switched it to pork because it apparently tastes very similar. You may want to leave that detail out until after everybody eats.

Here's a recipe I lifted and adapted from this random guy on the internet. His version seemed too heavy on the hominy for my taste. I do agree that the Hatch green chiles are the way to go here. They are hard to find, but worth it if you can get 'em. This is super easy to make. Sorry for the lack of pictures to prove it.

INGREDIENTS:
2-29 oz. cans white hominy
4-5 pounds pork tenderloin (cut into small chunks)
1 large yellow onion (finely chopped)
16 oz. green chiles, heat level at your discretion - NOTE: Don't sub jalapenos! Trust me.
1 tablespoon minced/chopped/pressed garlic
2 oz. menudo spice mix or chili powder
1 teaspoon dry oregano
salt (lots)
pepper (lots)
olive oil

In a large stock pot (the ingredients above will yield about 6 quarts) combine the hominy, chopped onions, garlic, oregano and green chile. Cover the ingredients with water, then add a little more. Add a lot of salt and pepper. I mean, A LOT. Put in what you think is too much, then add some more; it'll need it. Boil the mixture while you prepare the meat.

Heat some olive oil in a frying pan and brown the pork slowly. It doesn't have to be cooked entirely through, just sear the outside. Add a reasonable amount of salt and pepper here. You may have to do this in batches: 4-5 pounds of pork cubes don't conveniently fit in one frying pan.

Once the pork is browned, stir it into the stock pot with the other ingredients. Once it starts boiling again, turn down the heat and let it simmer for 15 minutes. Stir, then bring to a boil again. Reduce heat, stir and allow this to simmer for about six hours, stirring about every 30 minutes to keep the bottom from burning. About half way through, add salt and pepper to taste.

For best results, ladle the finished pozole into smaller containers and put it in the refrigerator overnight. Reheat and serve with grated cheese and yellow corn tortillas/tortilla chips.

Unfortunate Muffin

2010-11-15T13:05:00.003-05:00

Not my photo, but I saw these obscene pumpkin spice muffins at Tim Horton's this morning.

Caption contest in comments. GO!

If You're Playing With Fryer, You're Going To Get Burned

2010-11-14T00:27:00.011-05:00

Our readers around the world may not be familiar with the gastro-economic phenomenon of the $4 supermarket rotisserie chicken. What a blessed life I live, that I can gather up the change under the passenger seat of my 1998 Ford Escort and buy an entire fucking chicken. I mean, this is third world price, people! What has America come to? I blame Obama...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Wait.

If Obama was really responsible for $4 rotisserie chickens, the Democrats wouldn't have lost control of the House of Representatives. Everybody loves rotisserie chicken. Even you vegans secretly love rotisserie chicken - feel free to admit that in the comments section below.

What blows my mind is that I can buy a fully cooked chicken at the supermarket for less than a raw chicken. How is that possible? Cooks cost money. Fire costs money. Those little plastic bags (or trays) that the rotisserie chickens come in cost money. Unless these chickens are being roasted through a charitable donation from the Chubb Group, this goes against basic economics, which means that rotisserie chickens are inherently Communist.

So I bought one. Then I ate half of it. The next day, I had to come up with something to do with the other half. I didn't feel like just eating it off the bone again, so I decided to get creative. How about some BBQ chicken sliders?

First thing's first, gotta pull that chicken apart. A couple of strategic cuts separate the wing, leg and thigh from the rest of the chicken and a skilled blade liberates the breast meat from the carcass. I like to get my hands dirty (or rather, greasy), so I shred the breast meat by hand before chopping up the dark meat. If you decide to try this with the chicken still hot, you're dumb. Let it cool down or you'll burn your hands.

Next, make some sauce. I had some leftover chipotle peppers from a recent batch of chili, so I decided to make a maple chipotle BBQ sauce. This was super easy:

1 cup of ketchup
1 small can of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (chop the peppers up very fine)
1/4 cup of maple syrup
a splash of apple cider vinegar
a splash of worcestershire sauce
1 clove of roasted or sauteed garlic (finely chopped)
a liberal dash of onion powder
a conservative dash of celery salt
an independent dash of black pepper

Let that all simmer in a saucepan for about 15-20 minutes. It'll be spicy, but the maple syrup will give you a nice sweet balance. Add the pulled chicken and bring it all up to safe temperature.

Hmm, what's going to go well with a BBQ chicken sandwich? How about some seasoned potato wedges? But I don't have a deep fryer in my kitchen! No problem, because I'm smart. First, let's cut some potatoes into wedges. I did 4 potatoes, which was way too many...

I could just fry these as-is and they'd probably turn out OK, but if I'm going to create a makeshift deep fryer in my house, then I'm going to go all out here. That means breading and seasoning these little bastards. I went with a traditional three-step breading process: flour, egg/milk wash, seasoning blend. My seasonings were a 60/40 mix of flour and Italian bread crumbs, plus dried parsley, onion powder, garlic powder, sea salt and black pepper. I also had someone with lovelier hands than mine pop them through the stations while I tended to the danger grease.

OK, all joking aside: don't try this at home unless you know what you're doing. Delicious potato wedges are not worth the risk of starting a grease fire and burning your home to a crisp. If you are going to try this without an actually deep fryer (or FryDaddy), you need the following:

A deep pot (I used a small stock pot)
A metal scoop with either a wire mesh or slots to allow grease to pass through (DO NOT USE PLASTIC, DUMMY)
A bin to put the cooked food into
An oil thermometer (this is really, really important)
An oil with a high smoke point like peanut oil

Put about an inch-and-a-half of oil in the pot and turn on the heat. Mount the oil thermometer on the pot so that the probe end is in the oil (without touching the bottom of the pot). You're looking for an oil temperature of 350 degrees, which if you have a good stove and a good pot, you'll get to pretty quickly. Pay close attention to the oil temperature: too low and your food won't cook correctly, too hot and it will start to smoke, which will make your food taste bad.

Cook your wedges about 8-10 at a time. You don't want to overload the fryer because you won't get oil coverage over all the wedges. Use the scoop to grab the uncooked wedges and dip them in the oil. DO NOT DROP THEM IN, OR THE OIL WILL SPLATTER AND YOU WILL GET BURNT! If your wedges are thin enough, you probably only need to cook them between 60-90 seconds to get them golden brown and crunchy on the outside and fully cooked on the inside. Use the scoop to carefully remove the wedges from the fryer and put them in the bin. Sprinkle some salt on those immediately after taking them out of the fryer: potatoes accept seasoning more readily when hot. Repeat these small batches until the oil gets "dirty." If you're making a lot, you may have to strain or change the oil.

NEVER, EVER PUT FROZEN OR WET FOOD INTO HOT GREASE! IT WILL SPLATTER AND YOU WILL GET FUCKED UP! You probably should have a fire extinguisher nearby, because seriously, dude, I do not trust you.

Before I started, I turned my oven on to 350 degrees because I thought I might have to keep the wedges warm and I knew I would have to toast my slider buns. Once I had fried all the wedges, I threw them in the oven for about 4-5 minutes while I toasted the buns. Once the buns were done, it was all over but the plating.

This is the part where we put in the disclaimer about not being responsible for your loss of skin, property or life because you were a careless fuckhead. Seriously, go buy a FryDaddy or just let somebody else deep fry your food for you. Or don't deep fry anything at all, because you may not have heard, but it's not healthy at all...

Bucket List

2010-11-04T12:39:00.003-04:00

I was just alerted to this fantastic article recently run in Poor Taste magazine by sometimes WWEIL contributor and generally excellent dude, Erik Pepple. "The 100 Hundred Greatest Cult Restaurants in America" is an epic list--and not so subtle challenge to the gastronomically inclined--that scours our great nation in search of those joints that elicit fervent devotion and violent salivation from their customers.

Personally I would've liked to have seen Cleveland Heights classic-cum-crunchy diner, Tommy's on the list, as well as Columbus' Jenni's Splendid Ice Creams

Check out the article and see what Poor Taste has to say. See how many you've knocked out on your travels, and plot a new course to gastronomic enlightenment.

Cheers!

Fast, Delicious Fish Tacos!

2010-10-21T11:57:00.003-04:00

Hungry and in need of some quick, tasty, and healthy eats a few nights back, Nicole and I made a quick trip to Dave’s for vittles. It had been predetermined that tacos were our course of action, but the kind of taco had yet to be decided. Unfortunately Dave’s at Cedar and Fairmount doesn’t carry the box of fake taco meat that we really enjoy (especially if you cook the “meat” with beeraritas instead of water!) so we decided on fish tacos instead.

Picking out fish for fish tacos is a tricky feat. On the one hand you want the tacos to taste awesome and that starts with some good fish. On the other hand blowing a bunch of dough on fancy cuts of designer fish is stupid if you’re just going to top the tacos with sour cream, onion, cilantro, hot sauce, etc. A nice middle of the road, mild white fish is ideal for these applications, and really these alone. The tilapia prices were a tad high at Dave’s that night, and I’ve never heard of basa (and after reading this, maybe I’m glad we chose otherwise) so we got a pound of catfish nuggets. Catfish has a clean, mild fishy taste, ideal for lots of cooking applications and it is possible to farm raise cat fish in ways that are both economically and environmentally sound. Catfish nuggets seem to be the ends of fillets and other cuts, not the prettiest pieces of fish I’ve ever seen (there were some free guts attached to ours!) but they would end up working nicely.

Our plan was to cut the fish into little bite sized pieces and pan fry them before they met tortilla. In order to impart some flavor and texture to them before they hit the pan I dredged them in cornmeal and chili powder with a little salt and pepper mixed in. I fried them for about a minute on each side in about an eighth of an inch of vegetable oil. In a medium frying pan this took about three batches to get through all the fish. As each batch finished I let them drain on paper towels and hit them with a pinch of salt and a few grinds of pepper. To dress our tacos I finely chopped some onion and cilantro while Nicole made a creama out of sour cream, lime, and cilantro by pureeing the three in a bowl with a stick blender.

While all this other cooking was going on we had a black bean side dish simmering on another burner. While there is no defined recipe, this bean dish is something we’ve been tinkering with for a while now. The only real set ingredients are beans, beer, salt, and pepper. To make this we start by draining and rinsing a can of black beans. The beans go into a small sauce pan with a bout 4oz of beer, nothing fancy, usually PBR. The beans then get seasoned with salt and pepper. Since our cooking usually veers towards Mexican a few healthy dashes of Mexican spices go into the beans with some big splashes of hot sauce—Valentina or garlic Cholula—and a good squeeze of lime. If it’s around and/or we remember a clove of garlic is usually crushed and stirred in. Onions are optional before, during, after, or not at all. Cook this all together, stirring occasionally, until the beans soften slightly and most of the beer has cooked away. These are excellent already but can be dressed with hot sauce, sour cream, cilantro, onion, lime or any combination of the above.

Once all the fish was cooked and the beans were ready we lightly sautéed tortillas in a small frying pan with a few drops of olive oil to give them a little color and flavor as well as taking the chill of the refrigerator off; a pinch of salt on the tortillas while the oil is still hot is a nice finishing touch. If you’re disinclined towards this method you can always wet a few paper towels and ring them out at thoroughly as possible. Lay the paper towels out and lay the tortillas end to end across the towels. Roll this all up into a loose tube and pop it in the microwave for 15-45 seconds depending on the size and quantity of the tortillas and your microwave.

To assemble our fish tacos we made a small bed of creama for the fish to lay in then dropped five or six of the fish bites onto the tortilla. These were topped with a few minced onions and some cilantro along with hot sauce and a pinch of lime. The beans received a dollop of the creama as well, and some more lime and hot sauce. Altogether a simple, delicious meal that we devoured as we watched the fantastic 80’s horror homage House of the Devil.

If I had to do it all over again, and I definitely would, instead of seasoning the fish then frying it in oil I would cut the fish and let it marinate in some oil for half an hour or so. I would season the oil with chili powder, cayenne powder, and lime zest. Just before they hit the pan I’d drain the fish bites of excess oil and let them sear in the pan for about two minutes total. While the corn meal I used above gave the fish a bit of texture I think this method would allow the out side of the fish to sear better and develop a bit more flavor.

Damn Fine Cocktails

2010-10-20T17:54:00.003-04:00

I apologize for only posting drink recipes lately. I must confess I’m not feeling that interested in food these days, not just writing about it, but eating, too. I’ve had very little taste for anything and just eat out of hunger/necessity whatever sounds edible to me at the time (read as: lots of Chinese food).

But my current fascination with mixology isn’t terribly troubling to me, so as long as you all are on board let’s take another trip behind the bar for a few new cocktail ideas.

In honor of the year’s spookiest month Nicole and I have been watching Twin Peaks, gold edition box-set thank you very much. So far the only thing I haven’t liked about it is waiting twenty years to watch it. It’s a fantastic show that combines humor, mystery, romance, action, the supernatural, and just the right amount of Mayberry wholesomeness in a way that only David Lynch could make palatable, let alone watchable. In addition to being one of the most perfect shows to ever air on network television it’s also one of the most bewildering programs to ever land on network television. In today’s market of niche programming on both basic and premium it’s easy to imagine Twin Peaks as a sleeper hit on HBO or the mind-melting off season replacement for Mad Men, but in a pre-X-Files 1990/91 television landscape Twin Peaks’ unhinged lunacy was a miraculous pick up for CBS and an even more surprising renewal.

But enough about television history, let’s get to the booze! In a second season episode of TP the local bar is transformed into a courthouse during daytime hours to consider the cases of Leland Palmer and Leo Johnson. During what seems to be a rough day of court officiating the judge, resplendent in his western ware and robes, pulls our hero, Special Agent Dale Cooper, and town sheriff, Harry S. Truman, a side for a little, ahem, sidebar. The judge discusses Johnson’s case with the two lawmen while his assistant whips up a round of “Black Yukon Sucker Punches.” She hands the men three highballs full of a dark, bluish/purplish liquid which the judge warns will “sneak up on you!” This strange aside in the show and curious looking beverage set me to wondering just what the hell is in it?

I’ve been mulling it over for a little while, considering how to get the color right as well as making something that is easily drunk, the judge and Truman knock theirs back in just a few sips. Before I started inventing I thought I’d investigate further to see if anyone on the internet had already invented such a cocktail in homage to this cult classic. I eventually stumbled onto the Twin Peaks Gazette Message Board thread concerning this mythological quaff, but was disappointed by the disgusting and/or thoughtless recipes offered. For example this foul concoction: into a mug pour 11/2 oz of Yukon Jack, fill 3/4 with Hot black coffee, fill the rest of the way with black raspberry liqueur, float 1/2 oz. of Godiva (or Mozart, or the like) chocolate liqueur on top- may substitute with chocolate syrup. Nasty business. Another poster was a little closer with this: Pour 1 shot Yukon Jack, Pour 1 shot Blackberry Brandy, Dash of Bitters, Put in blender with ice, Blend about 5 seconds. Close, but still no cigar.

It seems it was up to me do the heavy lifting on this one. First things first, the name, “Black Yukon Sucker Punch,” it must be black or blackish in color, it should in some way incorporate “Yukon,” and should as the judge suggested sneak up or sucker punch the drinker. And as previously stated, the judge and sheriff belt theirs down in no time, so it’s got to be an easy sipper, too. What drinks in all of mixdom provide easy drinkability while packing a serious punch? A lot, sure, but none quite as infamously as the Long Island Iced Tea. The classic combo of gin, tequila, rum, and vodka seem like a whole gang of bad ideas in a glass, but through the magic of booze they all get along quite nicely. This formula would be my jumping off point. I knew as well that the drink should include Yukon Jack, the “black sheep of Canadian Liquors,” those message board posters got at least one thing right. Finally it had to be black. Black licorice flavored spirits certainly crossed my mind, but the idea of a drink based on Yukon Jack and Jagermeister has “bad night at the frat house” written all over it. No, it had to be black raspberry. With a few final tweaks I finally had the Black Yukon Sucker Punch recipe down. Take a look: Black Yukon Sucker Punch
Ingredients:
- 1½oz Yukon Jack
- 1½oz Black Raspberry Liquor (the darker the better)
- 1½oz Rum (high proof, white)
- 1½oz Vodka (high proof)
- Splash Crème de Casis liqueur or Blue Curacao
- Cherry 7-up

Instructions:
Pour the four liquors into a shaker with ice. Shake vigorously until well combined. Strain into a highball with ice. Top with some “damn fine” Cherry 7-up and float Crème de Casis or Blue Curacao on top. Garnish with a black cherry on an umbrella. No straw.
If that doesn’t tickle your liver or your nethers check your pulse and then try this next cocktail on for size…

Our hero throughout this epic mindfuck is a quirky special agent from the FBI, one Dale Cooper. Dale’s seemingly sole purpose in the series, aside from solving the mysterious death of Laura Palmer and rebuffing the advances of Audrey Horne, is the never ending quest for some “damn fine” coffee and pie. While the scientific ability to turn pie into a conveyance of hooch is not quite upon us, liquoring up coffee is well within our means.

The Dale Cooper:
Ingredients:
- 4oz strong black coffee or espresso, iced
- 1½oz Kaluha
- 1½oz Vodka
- ½ to 1oz kirshwasser (cherry liqueur)

Get To It:
Combine coffee, kaluha, and vodka in a shaker with ice, shake to combine. Pour ½ to 1oz of the kirshwasser into a coffee mug and swirl to coat the sides, this is easier to do if the liqueur has been chilled redering it somewhat syrupy. Once the mug is coated pour off the rest of the kirshwasser and strain the coffee/liquor combo into the mug. To make it hot skip the shaker and pour the vodka and Kahlua into the cherry flavored mug. Top with hot coffee and stir to combine.

Don’t go adding any cream or sugar, Coop takes his coffee black. The cherry liqueur should add just a hint of fruity sweetness to the drink, like a swig of the black stuff after a big bite of some damn fine pie, Cooper’s other weakness. Swap out regular vodka for vanilla and make this a Cooper a la mode!

I hope you enjoy these! I’ve got a few more in the pipeline that I’ll hopefully get posted before the end of October. Expect a Bloody Mary variation for Laura, something dangerous and sweet for Audrey, and possibly something completely crazy and dangerous for Bob.

Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club: October Drink of the Month!!!

2010-10-06T19:16:00.002-04:00

Despite the impending cold and winter we’re about to endure it’s still fall and that means a few amazing things. Topping that list of awesome fall perks are the amazing beers that are released this time of year. Rich, full bodied Oktoberfest beers abound. These big, bold lagers, usually Marzen style, are deep brown or amber in color and are well balanced between sweet and malty, bitter and hoppy, with just a hint of yeastiness. Great Lakes Brewing Company makes one of the best on the market if you’re looking for something nice, but I just finished the last bottle from six pack of Dundee’s Oktoberfest and, man, was it tasty. And at a few bucks cheaper than the GLBC the price is right, too.

BUT!!! That’s not what I’m here to talk about today. No, today is about that other fine fall libation your favorite brewery is probably filling the shelves with as we speak. I’m talking, of course, about Pumpkin Ales! Bright, bold beers brewed with pumpkin and spice that warm body and soul even if they’ve just come out of the fridge or the tap. And there’s a huge variety of them out there to try, ranging from the sweet pumpkin pie and vanilla taste of Southern Tier’s Pumpking to the subtler, spicier Ichabod from New Holland; and everywhere in between you’ll find something to suit your tastes.

AND!!! Finally we arrive at the subject of October’s Liver Punisher Drink-of-the-Month Club’s October Drink-of-the-Month! Inspired by my love of hearty stouts, delicious pumpkin ales, and a favorite drink of Nicole’s I submit: the Black King!

The ingredient list is short and the construction is simple so please, do try at home:

The Software:
Guinness
Southern Tier Pumpking (or other pumpkin ale of your preference)

The Hardware:
Pint Glass
Large soup or table spoon

The How-To:
Fill half a pint glass with pumpkin ale. Place the spoon over the opening of the glass and slowly (slowly) pour the Guinness over the back of the spoon—the Guinness in the draught can with the nitrogen widget works best for this.

Better yet, head over to your favorite watering hole, one that has both pumpkin ales and Guinness on tap, of course, and have your favorite neighborhood bartender pour it for you! These half-n-half applications always turn out better when draught beer is involved.

If all goes well you should have a beautiful half-and-half just waiting to be gulped down. I prefer the Pumpking for this application because of it’s bright, spicy taste, it’s nutty/vanilla aftertaste, and it’s gorgeous orange hue. Dogfish Head’s gnarly Punkin ale or Post Road’s beautifully simple pumpkin ale would also make fine substitutions.

Dranks, Dranks, Dranks! Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club: September Drink of the Month!!!

2010-09-17T14:23:00.004-04:00

A few weeks into September is a little late for a “Drink of the Month” entry, I know, but this one is so good, you’ll be glad you waited!

So, it’s no secret that the happy marriage of gin and tonic is one of the great pairings in booze history. They’re Lucy and Ricky, intrinsically linked forever and all time with a wedge of lime standing in for little Ricky. And like Lucy and Ricky it’s somewhat of a surprise that they work so well together. She was a quirky redhead who was always in some sort of well meaning trouble, he was a no-nonsense latin band leader. Gin is a piney, often astringent spirit that has garnered just as many fans as detractors, and tonic water is a thin, bitter soft drink that is generally unpalatable on its own. Together, however each pair unites to form something greater than either individual. A gin a tonic is a cool, refreshing burst of bitter, spicy, sour, and just a hint of sweet. Lucy and Ricky are an indelible comedy team with impeccable timing and natural chemistry. It seems that there would be no room for improvement.

But all that changed about a week ago while I was sitting at the Fairmount in Cleveland Heights sipping a rich, frothy Jameson Sour. Waiting for drinking companionship to arrive I had little else to do between drinks other than glimpse the day’s sports highlights and eavesdrop on the other people at the bar. The closest, and therefore easiest to overhear, were three folks from Ireland. They discussed the merits of American mico-brews and the strange phenomenon of pumpkin beers with the bartender for a bit before resuming a more private convo. The young lady sitting nearest to me had ordered a gin a tonic on their arrival and had taken a few sips before she hailed the bartender. She asked very politely if it might be possible to have the bartender add something called St. Germain to her cocktail. She obliged, and while she was doctoring the drink I asked my neighbor what exactly she was having done. She explained that it was a liquor made from Elderflower blossoms and asked the bartender if we might smell the bottle top. There was little doubt that this had come from flowers, bright and floral, like smelling a bouquet of fresh cut flowers.

I’ll admit that I had some reservations about this addition to a gin and tonic, something so beautifully simple that it needs little more than a squeeze of citrus. She assured me that it was a perfect compliment, and was so convincing in her salesmanship that I ordered one myself on the next round.

It was good, to say the least. It was like tasting a gin and tonic again for the first time. The floral nose of the St. Germain is a nice foil to the battered-by-pine-boughs scent of gin, in fact the two mix in such a way as to give the drink the scent of a particularly good IPA. And the taste of the elderflower liquor is pleasant and sweet, adding another layer of flavor to the drink. This new concoction now touches on the bitter, sweet, and sour sectors of the tongue, filling the mouth with a taste that would somewhere in the neighborhood of a field of wild flowers that neighbors a dense pine forest just moments after a hearty spring rain.

While I generally feel most like drinking g’n’ts in the summer, this slight adjustment gives it warmth and body, extending the drink’s season into this late summer/early fall time.

Play the Home Edition, or: What to Ask Your Bartender For:

On the Rocks: Fill a rocks or old fashioned glass with ice. Pour in about 2oz of gin, more or less to taste. Fill nearly to the rim with tonic water. Top with up to a teaspoon of St. Germain elderflower liquor and garnish with a lime.

Up: Fill a shaker with ice and add 2oz of gin, a teaspoon of St. Germain, and a squeeze of lime. Shake well and strain into a cocktail glass, top with tonic water to taste.

http://www.stgermain.fr/index2.php

A Very Belated Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club: "August Drink of the Month!"

2010-09-16T11:07:00.006-04:00

Due to personal scheduling conflicts, this post is about a month over due. Please, enjoy anyways!

August’s Drink of the Month Club “Drink of the Month” is something you’ve probably drunk before, but had no idea you were drinking it while you were. It’s a nearly ubiquitous in bars and restaurants across America in some form or another, but it’s so common it goes unnamed. If you’re a beer drinker and you enjoy Mexican food you’ve almost certainly received a beer with a wedge of lime crammed in the neck or resting on the top of the can, and enjoyed the sweet/sour combination of beer and fresh squeezed lime. Now, let me introduce you, by name, to this taste.

Michelada meet drinker, drinker meet michelada. Also known as cervesa preperada, or prepared beer, this is a cocktail that seeks to enhance the cool, refreshing qualities of Mexican, and domestic for that matter, lagers.

Origins are unclear, but some say the michelada was created as a way to make sub-standard Mexican beer palatable to American tourists. I’m not convinced this is true as most Mexican lagers outstrip the majority of American macro-brewed beers. So far, of all the Mexican beers I’ve tried, and I’ve tried most of them as this point, this is only true of Corona, whose bland, skunky taste requires limey goodness to make even approach drinkability. Other myths of origin suggest that limes were swirled around the mouths of beer containers in order to kill any bacteria lurking in the ice used to chill the beers at resorts. This seems more plausible, but I’m still skeptical. No, I think it comes down to man’s nature to try and improve on something. The michelada doesn’t necessarily try to reinvent the wheel, it’s more of a white walls and spinners deal.

Michelada recipes are as varied as the countries of South and Central America, utilizing a variety of native ingredients to enhance the both taste and rejuvenating qualities of native brews. Perhaps you’ve seen Bud’s “chelada” in a can, a foul, foul mixture of clamato juice and Bud, lite or regular—your choice!—is a variation on a common Mexican version, while a spicy Cubana contains Worcestershire sauce, Tobasco, chile, and salt. Stateside, the so called “shandy” is a michelada made up of lager and lemonade. There are literally endless variations of micheladas, the only limit is imagination and mixable ingredients.

I would now like to share with you a few of my favorite michelada recipes:

(Note: when making these I primarily used 12oz. bottles and cans of Modelo Especial and PBR, but any medium bodied lager, or “beer that tastes like beer” should do nicely.)

Super Simple Michelada:
Open beer, take drink, squeeze in lime, swirl to mix, enjoy! It’s as simple as that, just a little lime juice, even from the little squeezable plastic lime works nicely. If you want to class this up a bit and impress your friends remove the beer can from the fridge and let it stand at room temp for a minute or two until it starts to sweat a little bit. Once there’s enough condensation built up to make some salt stick, roll the rim of the can in kosher salt then open, drink, lime, drink again. If you’d rather not have to lick all the edges of the can to get a little salt every time, simply line the rim of a glass with salt, squeeze in the lime then pour beer over top to mix.
Nicolassa’s Famosa Beermosa:
Nicole would often speak of a michelada of her own invention. A self described greatest-thing-since-champagne-and-orange-juice drink she had dubbed “Beermosa” in honor of the aforementioned concoction. The recipe might actually be easier than our Super Simple Michelada: Into a pint glass pour one bottle or can of beer. Top with 3-4oz of your preferred orange juice, stir lightly to combine, and enjoy with the breakfast or brunch of your choosing. A delicious and refreshing way to start the day and/or take a little hair of the dog.

The RMC:
Like any lucky kid growing up I got to spend a fair amount of my childhood being spoiled by my grandparents. And for all the wonderful memories I have of my grandfather, one of the strongest was his interesting habit of seasoning certain food and drink items, namely his beer and watermelon which both received a pinch of salt. It was in that spirit, and the influence of 21st Amendment Brewery’s Hell or High Watermelon that I created this quaffable tribute. Once again coat the rim of a pint glass with salt, the easiest way to do this is to rub the edge with lime then upturn the glass into a saucer of salt; you could go out and buy a tub of “Margarita” salt, but why spend when you already have everything you need. Into this salty rimmed glass pour 2-3oz of watermelon juice (recipe follows). Top with a bottle or can beer and float a lemon wheel on top. The sweet watermelon, bitter beer, sour lemon, and salty salt makes this a drink that appeals to all the tastes. It is incredibly easy drinking, almost to a fault, and is should even appeal to the tastes of folks who claim to not like beer.

The Beer-a-Rita:
For a real kick in pants try this boozy version of the michelada. In a shaker or mixing glass combine, per person, 1 shot of tequila blanca, a healthy squeeze of lime (say an eighth or so), and a splash of triple sec. Add a shot of the mixture to a can of beer, from which a few sips have been taken and the edge has been coated with salt. You could, of course, do all this in a glass, but why when this is more fun. To a, mostly, full beer this imparts just a hint of margarita goodness throughout. Just a hint of the sweet/sour from the triple sec and lime, and that great fresh, earthy, grassy bite from the tequila. Watch out, though, this’ll michelada will really clean your clock.

La Michelada Ultima:
While the above recipes are all well and good—and by good I mean awesome!—they are admittedly anglicized versions of the michelada, so I wanted to create something that would be more traditional and authentic. This is what I came up with: take course salt, kosher would be best, and place 2-3 tablespoonfuls into a small Tupperware container. Shake in a few dashes of any or all of the following: chili powder, cayenne powder, or dried chipotle powder; there should be enough seasoning that there are red and brown flecks scattered throughout the slat, but not so much that it overwhelms the salt; no more than an eighth of a teaspoon per 3tbs of salt. Shake well to combine and empty onto a saucer. Rim a pint glass with the spicy salt and squeeze the juice of half a lime into the bottom of the glass. Some recipes call for even more than that—about 3-4 teaspoons per half—but I found that to be overwhelming, like drinking beer flavored lime juice; the object here is to enhance the beer, not burry it in an acid bath. To the lime juice add 2 dashes of bitters and a few drops of your favorite hot sauce. I suggest something less vinegary than Red Devil, Frank’s, etc. as drinking a big glass of vinegar appeals to few. I used a scotch bonnet sauce I like because it adds heat, but alters the flavor by very little. Valentina would be a nice authentic choice, or Cholula which is well balanced between flavor and spice. Pour beer over the lime/bitters/hot sauce and enjoy. The resulting elixir is a full bodied drink that satisfies nearly all the taste cravings and should leave a little sizzle in the throat and tingle on the lips. Remember this is meant to be refreshing, not excruciating so don’t go overboard.

Variations on the Theme:
While working out this final iteration I had a few other irons in the coals and found that these slight variations of the above recipe yield results just as satisfying, but not as bold. First, you can opt out of the spicy salt mix if you feel that’s too much, and for some it may be. Another option is to assemble as above leaving out the bitters until the end. Shake in a few dashes before serving, but don’t mix, allowing the bitters to mix in themselves as the beverage is consumed. Doing this let’s the michelada develop over time and each sip is different from the last. Again jumping off from the Ultima, before the beer is added pour in a splash of orange juice then add the beer to combine. The result is slightly sweeter, more of an aperitif than main course. Alternately add the OJ to the top of the glass at the end and allow it to mix in like the bitters. Unlike the bitters which form smokey trails through the michelada before they combine, the orange juice mixes and unifies much quicker. Either way, the orange juice in these iterations is more of a seasoning that full component so don’t use anymore of it than you’ve used lime juice.

These are just a few ways to jazz up your beer for your next fiesta, cookout, or regular old night of beer drinking. Use these recipes to impress your friends or invent your own and share them with me and the world!

Cheers!

Fresh Watermelon Juice:
Outside of squeezing citrus this may be the easiest juice to acquire at home. Purchase, or pick if you’re so inclined, the freshest watermelon available to you. I’m terrible at determining freshness so I opt for the precut. A good watermelon should have vibrant red/pink flesh that’s firm but yields to pressure. For this application seedless would be preferred, but a plethora of big brown seeds and a dearth of the little white ones is a sure sign of ripeness in the seed baring variety. Cut the watermelon into large-ish chunks, it doesn’t need to be fancy, and drop them into your blender or food processor. Let your machine work its magic for a minute or two then add more chunks until either the unit is full of juice or you’re out of melon. Pour the juice from your device into another vessel via a strainer. You’ll need to help it along by scraping the strainer with a spatula. This should remove most of the major pulp, but the liquid that remains will still have some texture, while this should be fine for most if you want it extra fine pour it through another finer strainer or one lined with a paper coffee filter. If it’s not already in one transfer this to an easy open storage container and refrigerate. I also added a few drops of lemon juice as a preservative. I got about 3 cups from just a quarter of a melon, so unless you’re planning a huge party this should be more than enough.

And if you’re wondering what to do with extra melon juice here are a few suggestions, other than just drinking it:
Into a blender pour one shot of coconut rum per 4oz of watermelon juice. Drop in a few ice cubes and pulse until mostly smooth. Pour into a highball and garnish with lime, watermelon slice, spring of mint.

For the more dessert minded take measure of your remaining melon juice, making sure you have around three cups. If not make some more, it seems to keep well. To the watermelon juice add a healthy squeeze of lemon and 6-8oz of pineapple juice to make about a quart of liquid. Chill well, then process in ice cream maker per your manufacturer's instructions.

Hamburger a la Steak au Poivre with Pommes Frites

2010-08-13T14:51:00.004-04:00

I’d had this idea swimming around in my head for a while. I’m wasn't entirely sure where it came from at first, but for some reason I wanted to make really delicious hamburgers, cooked in a skillet and then set ablaze in a display of alcoholic pyrotechnics.

I’d been thinking about this and thinking about this for weeks when it finally dawned on me where this spark of inspiration had come from: an episode of Good Eats titled “Tender is the Loin” in which Alton discusses the buying, butchering, and preparation of beef loin. The final flourish in this episode is the production of steak au poivre, a French dish that is as elegant as it is simple. This would be my jumping off point.

The creation of my dish was rooted in the steak’s: a filet cut of the tenderloin, crusted with crushed black peppercorns, and seared in a buttery skillet. Once the steaks are cooked the pan is deglazed with a flambé of brandy and enriched with heavy cream. Once the brandy cream pan sauce has thickened and reduced the steaks are returned to pan and tossed in the cream before serving.

So simple, but so delicious looking. I’ve honestly watched that episode a dozen times or so and every time I see it I want to find the nearest all night grocery store, grab the few ingredients needed and whip up a couple late night steaks. The fact there are no all night liquor stores within hours of me is all that’s kept this from happening. And of course I’d kind of forgotten about this idea for a while, being away from cable and all, but this idea was reignited recently when I purchased a bottle of Christian Brothers brandy a few weeks ago to make sangria (http://whatweeatislaughable.blogspot.com/2010/07/south-of-border-con-el-castigador-del.html).

The stars were starting to align and I began concocting a menu in my head. The centerpiece would be burgers cooked in the vein of steak au poivre, but what would come with? Well, what goes best with burgers always and forever? The ketchup to its mustard? The peanut butter to its jelly? The Tango to its Cash? The Harley Davidson to its Marlboro Man? Fries, natch. But these were going to be “fancy” burgers so I needed "fancy" fries, too, or rather pommes frites. Keeping things in this bullshit bistro vein I decided to concoct some interesting sauces for the fries as well, a homemade garlic aioli and a spicy cheese sauce. Now I just needed someone to share all this with, so I invited some of the best company I know: Nicole.

The menu set I scanned the kitchen and made a shopping list, thankfully my family keeps a relatively well stocked kitchen and I only needed a few items. A short trip to the store later and I was ready. Feel free to play the home version with these recipes:

Fancy-pants Steak Au Poivre Burgers:

Ingredients:
Equal quantities of ground chuck and sirloin equaling at least ½ pound
Salt (preferably Kosher)
Whole peppercorns (at least a teaspoon)
Butter
Olive oil
1/3 cup brandy or Cognac plus 1 teaspoon (reserved)
Heavy cream

How-to:
Mix both the chuck and sirloin until they are well combined then form them into ¼ pound patties (about 3¾” diameter and ½” thick if you don’t have a kitchen scale). Liberally salt both sides with the kosher salt. Coarsely crush the peppercorns, I smashed them between a heavy, cast iron skillet and a cutting board, then press both sides of the burger into the crushed pepper ensuring a complete and even crust on all sides. If you are ready to cook allow the burgers to rest, otherwise refrigerate, but allow between half and hour and an hour for the burgers to rest at room temperature before cooking. When ready to cook combine the butter and olive oil in a medium skillet over medium heat and allow them to melt and combine until they shimmer. Once the oil/butter combo is ready carefully place burgers into the skillet. Allow them time to sear the surface before flipping. Flip once and continue cooking. Cook until desired doneness is achieved, between 145* F and 160* F for medium-rare or medium, respectively. Remove burgers from pan and place on a plate tented with foil to rest. Drain any remaining fat or juices but do not scrape the pan. Carefully pour the 1/3 cup of brandy into the pan and ignite with a long match or grill lighter (if you are cooking on a gas stove turn off gas before attempting this). Allow the brandy to flame until it puts itself out. Pour in the heavy cream and stir the mixture, scraping all the tasty charred bits off the bottom of the pan. Allow the brandy/cream mixture to come to a boil and slightly reduce until it coats the back of a spoon. Season with salt and pepper to taste and stir in the reserved brandy. Replace the burgers in the pan and coat with the sauce. Serve.

Next were the pommes frites. I’ve been somewhat obsessed with making and eating the perfect fry since reading Jeffery Steingarten’s Vogue article about the finest points of making fries (apparently the secret ingredient is horse lard!) and was excited to try it at home. Since I was going to have a lot of other cooking going on I opted for a variation of a Joel Robuchon recipe I’d read about. Where a lot of recipes for frites have you double fry the potatoes, first at a lower temp to cook the insides then at a higher to crisp the outside, this recipe boasted the ability to do both with the minimum of work.

Super Simple Pommes Frites:

Ingredients:
1¼ - 1½ pounds of good Idaho boiling potatoes
1 quart peanut oil
Salt

How To:
Cut your potatoes into strips about 3/8” square, making sure they are all as even as possible. Pat dry then place potato strips in a large pot, at least 4” deep and 10” wide. Pour in oil to just cover potatoes and attach fry thermometer to side of pot making sure it is not touching the bottom. Heat pot and contents on high. Around 200* F the oil will begin to gently bubble. Continue to cook and heat until the oil reaches 350* F. Once the oil reaches 350* turn off heat and scoop fries onto a draining rig. Season with salt just before serving.

Delicious, crispy fries are a thing of beauty, certainly, but even the best fries need some accoutrement as they are, after all, just potatoes. Taking a nod from the Belgians, the originators of the fried potato thank you very much, I decided aioli would be a nice dipping sauce. And since this meal had one foot planted firmly in European cuisine and another in American diner culture, I figured this whole thing needed a little cheese, too.

Garlic Aioli and Spicy Cheese Sauce:

Aioli Ingredients:
3 cloves garlic
1 large egg
1 tablespoon fresh squeezed lemon juice
½ teaspoon salt
Black pepper to taste
Fresh chopped parsley (optional)
½ cup olive oil

What to do with it all:
In a food processor, blender, or mixing bowl combine all ingredients except the oil. Once the rest of the ingredients are well combined, slowly drizzle in the oil until a thick, uniform texture is achieved. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Cheese Sauce Ingredients:
¼ cup butter (1/2 stick)
¼ cup flour
1½ cups milk
8oz. shredded cheese
Salt and pepper to taste
Cayenne pepper (optional)
½ Jalapeno seeded, de-ribbed, and minced extra fine (optional)

Do it:
In a medium sauce pan over medium heat melt the butter. If you’re using the jalapeno now would be a good time to add it, allowing its oils to infuse the butter and everything else that will be added to sauce. Once the butter is melted whisk in the flour and keep stirring. This is called rue and is the base of this and countless other sauces. Keep stirring the rue until in takes on a nutty brown color (it’s actually ready as soon as all the flour is incorporated into the butter, but needs to be cooked longer to toast out the taste of the flour). Once the rue is cooked mix in the milk a little at a time, keeping it constantly moving. After all the milk has been incorporated stir in small handfuls of cheese a bit at a time. It’s tempting to add it all at once but that will create a lumpy mess not smooth, cheesy goodness. Once all the cheese is mixed in taste the sauce and season with salt, pepper, and cayenne to taste.

Notes and Adjustments:

One small adjustment I made to burgers was the addition of a few veggies. I decided that just the burger and cream sauce on a bun would be too simple. After the burgers were done cooking I placed a quarter of a chopped onion in the renderings with a little extra butter. I let these cook for a few minutes until they started to take some color at the edges. Once they started to caramelize I added several chopped mushrooms to the pan as well and let them sauté. Once the mushrooms were just shy of being done I added the brandy for the flambé, allowing them both to continue cooking and take in some of the brandy.

I somehow got all the timing right on these and everything finished more or less at the same time. Taste wise everything was fine, but there were a few things I thought could’ve been better. First, the buns. I originally wanted these served on a sweeter roll of some sort, like a brioche or challah, unfortunately I could find no such rolls, the whole wheat rolls I had were fine, just not what I had intended. The burgers were, to my taste, a little over done, in the medium-well range, but I didn’t trust my instincts and instead went by thermometer. I also forgot that burgers, thought flat when they begin to cook will seize slightly and form a more meatball-like shape. This is combated by making a slight indentation in the center of the meat just prior to cooking; if the burgers are pinched right they will even out perfectly during cooking. The aioli recipe, courtesy of Emeril, was a little thinner than I had hopped. I chalk this up in part to the use of smaller eggs from a local farm instead of the giant dino-eggs from the grocery store. I’d maybe use a more neutral flavored oil than the extra virgin I had, too. While delicious, the extra virgin almost overpowered the garlic. Almost. Despite minor consistency issues it was a wholly delicious side, rich and fatty and garlicky and lemony. A great summer sauce, a solid base for a salad dressing, and likely a great egg topper; and I’m not really a fan of mayos. The cheese sauce was the only thing that turned out as expected, maybe a little less spicy than I hoped, but the flavor and consistency were great. It just made a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Luckily it was delicious. The fries were the big stumbling block. I’m not sure how much credence I put into this simplified version of the recipe. The fries seemed to cook too fast and were overly browned when I pulled them around 330* F. Maybe it was the stovetop, maybe I didn’t have the thermometer placed correctly, maybe this recipe is too good to be true. Probably a little of all three. The fries did, however, taste pretty great, with a nice crispy outside and a soft, flakey inside. I will admit that my knife skills, especially when it comes to potatoes, is lacking so if I am to continue practicing the dark arts of the fryer I’m going to invest in a fry slicer.

We washed all this down with a few beers, Corsendonk brown ale and Henniger pilsner. The Henniger is a crisp, refreshing, easy drinking German lager. It tastes exactly like the phrase “German lager” would suggest, but not as bitter as most, with a very subtle citrusy finish. The Corsendonk, an abbey brown ale, was at a different end of the spectrum from the Henninger. Its dark brown color and yeasty/malty taste bore aftertastes of robust fruits and artisianal breads. While the former was an excellent counterpoint to the rich, fatty repast we enjoyed, the Corsendonk was a wonderful, robust complement.

I’m pretty proud of how all this turned out, despite a few minor hiccups. But I didn’t burn the house down setting the brandy ablaze and I didn’t start a grease fire either. I didn’t burn myself, cut myself, or touch my eye after chopping the jalapeno. I feel totally confident in repeating the performance with few to no goofs. So, anyone want dinner?

Post Script:
I had a fair amount of the aioli left after dinner, after discussing its future uses with Nicole, we determined that it would make an “egg-celent” topping on eggs. So, for dinner last night I poached two eggs—pretty well for my first try at it, too, I may add—and split an English muffin. Before popping the muffin halves in the toaster I sprinkled them with a chiffonade of fresh basil and some asiago cheese. When the eggs were solid enough to scoop from their water bath I placed them on the two toasty muffins with their toasty cheese and warm, fragrant basil. I poured about a tablespoon and a half of the aioli—which has married and mellowed over the last few days and is amazing now—over the eggs, seasoned with a little salt and pepper, and tucked in. Sha-Zam! Tender, yolky eggs; rich, garlicky, fatty aioli; toasty, nutty cheese; just the right hint of the basil in the background, and all those crackling good nooks and crannies golden brown in the middle, just slightly charred on the edges. Perfection. A wonderful dinner with some medium dry white wine or a Hoegaarden, or an amazing brunch with a mimosa or two. The only thing I would add to this if I had it around would be a few thin slices of prosciutto under the egg and/or pancetta fried crisp and sprinkled over the top. Or keep it veggie with a big slab of fresh heirloom tomato!

Brunch at the TapHouse: Epic Win!

2010-08-11T16:59:00.004-04:00

It should come as no surprise that one of Cleveland’s best West Side bars boasts one of the city’s best brunches. Or maybe it does. Should a bar with an impeccable beer selection also offer some of the best late morning meals in the city? They certainly have the audacity to try, but what right do they have to offer excellent drink options AND tongue blowing meals?

I’m speaking of the Tremont TapHouse, of course, where Nicole and I brunched this past Sunday.

After a long, hot day of beer tasting in the sun at Blues and Brews Saturday afternoon and partying all night for Paul’s 30th that evening, we needed a good hearty meal to help undo some of the damage inflicted in the last 24 hours. Having recently been to the TapHouse for drinks and perusing the brunch menus on the tables we were excited to have the chance to take brunch there this past Sunday—until recently we both worked every Sunday. And after a long night of sleeping it off we headed over to TapHouse for some much needed eats.

The often crowded TapHouse was lively but not packed when we arrived and we were quickly seated. Water, coffee (mine), and a Bloody Mary (hers) arrived within a few minutes. Things were off to a good start. And then we started looking at the menu. A problem only in as much as there are quite possibly too many good options on this wonderfully appointed menu. Its opening salvo is oysters on the half shell (oyster power!) with Bloody Mary cocktail sauce, a bold gambit. Antes are upped and re-upped as the menu continues, with a knockout of a grilled cheese and burger. Things are escalated further with a breakfast pizza (eggs + bacon + boursin + tomatoes + mozzarella!), eggs Benedict (with or without crab), a Kentucky style hot brown (look it up), a trio of excellent sounding omelets, and another trio of griddle goodies, just to name a few.

The choice was tough to say the least, and I seriously considered the pizza for a long time, as well as the biscuits and gravy. Ultimately I decided on Chef James Mowcomber’s update on the corned beef hash. The TapHouse’s hash subs out the pickled Ruben fodder for slow braised beef (short rib or shoulder? It’s more or less the same when it’s that tender and beefy!). Mowcomber then steers this down a dusty, vaguely Southwestern path with poblanos, crispy tortilla strips, and salsa. There were also sweet and tender onions, smoked cheddar, and two of the best fried eggs I’ve ever eaten. All this is served over a bed of the TapHouse’s gorgeous potato hash. Gathering a little of each component on my fork, the whole thing is beyond delicious. Succulent, tender beef, sweet caramelized onions, potato crisp and starchy, smokey roast pepper, tender, yolk soaked egg, and just the right amount of crunch from the tortilla bits. A stunning, wonderful celebration of food, assembled beautifully on my plate, and more delicious than it looked.

Nicole chose wisely, if a little safer, as well. Opting for the biscuits and gravy, she received a plate nearly overflowing with tender buttermilk biscuits, rich gravy loaded with chunks of sausage, and two more of those perfect over easy eggs. Having long been averse to the biscuit/gravy pairing and only recently come around my yard stick for good biscuits and gravy is served at Vine and Bean Café on the East Side. The TapHouse’s offering is easily the best I’ve had since. The primary difference being this gravy was more heavily spiced and darker in color as opposed to the white gravy that’s usually ladled on top. But color matters little when food tastes this good. Presented as elegantly as biscuits and gravy can be and in very generous portion, this was an excellent way to get a late start on the day.

Not to completely gush about the greatness of the TapHouse, there was one small aspect of the meal that could’ve been better: the coffee. I suppose there always has to be some flaw somewhere. And it’s not like it was bad, but rather just good. Better than the coffee at most diners, but really nothing special. And I only mention this because it’s a surprise when considered next to the superlative beer selection, brilliant brunch board, and amazing dinner options.

My hat is off to Chris, Jason, James, and everyone else at the TapHouse! Please, continue all this excellent work.

http://www.tremonttaphouse.com/

http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/16/334758/restaurant/Tremont/Tremont-Tap-House-Cleveland

Coming Out of the Cupboard

2010-08-05T15:59:00.002-04:00

One the stranger eating habits I’ve developed over the last few years is a taste for healthy cereal. I always liked Cheerios growing up and once I had enough teeth to actually chew it I grew to love Grape-Nuts. I’ve had Shredded Wheat fazes and Wheaties fazes and Corn Flakes fazes. And up until now these cravings for actual nutrition were punctuated by massive binges on the sweet stuff, Luck Charms, Cap’n Crunch both with and without Crunch berries, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch being my chief sugar cereal vices.

But now I don’t feel the pangs, the itchy cravings, the gnawing desire to chow down on these waxy, sugary, marshmallow studded treats. I mean, I’d happily polish off a box or two were they presented to me, but when I’m in the cereal aisle I tend to pass by the brightly colored boxes, emblazoned with cartoon animals and punctuated only by exclamation points, and head towards the area where the floor is heavily scarred by un-tennis-balled walker legs and reeks of Polident and prune juice. That baron wasteland where the fiber is high, taste is low, and texture is somewhere between gravel and wet sawdust; a terrible, emotionally scarring place I swore to never visit.

Or so I thought. A few years ago I started tempering my sugary cereal intake with the healthy stuff. If I ate a bowl of Grape-Nuts there was a bowl of Froot Loops waiting for me, like a morning dessert course. When the Wheat Chex were gone I could dive into a milky, chocolaty bowl of Coco Puffs. It seemed reasonable and assuaged the very small voice in my head that was always clamoring on about how bad these cereals might actually be. But after a while I realized that I was less hungry later on when I ate more healthy cereal and less sugar frosted heaven. A brief scan of almost any health and diet rules will confirm that foods high I dietary fiber are more filling.

Spinning off from that point I began skimming the Kashi and Fiber One and All-Bran boxes, furtively at first, while shopping. A feel of near embarrassment washed over me on those first trips to that musty, old portion of the cereal aisle. Like I was harboring some long hidden secret that was waiting to burst out. Something called out to me from those boxes. Was it the lure of the most fiber? Perhaps the promise of a healthier heart? A desire to explore that which I most despise? Whatever the reason I had to do it. I had to come out of the cupboard.

I am a healthy cereal fan and I’m not afraid to admit it.

It started with granolas and Grape-Nuts, but after comparing nutritional information on those boxes with others in their neighborhoods, I soon realized that I could be doing so much better. My first real foray into this not-even-remotely deviant lifestyle was a box of General Mills’ Original Fiber One. With an extremely low calorie count (60), 0 grams of sugar, and high fiber content (14 grams/57%) per ½ cup serving, surly this had to be one of the least appealing foodstuffs in the world. Surprise, surprise it’s not. In fact it’s actually quite good. With a firm, crunchy texture and subtle sweetness without sugar, Fiber One is an enjoyable bowl in the morning. It’s not going to win the most exciting cereal of the year award anytime soon, a good, strong wheaty flavor is about all it as to offer, but contrary to popular opinion this cereal is infinitely better than the box it comes in.

No, that dubious distinction goes to Kellogg’s All-Bran, the epitome of bad tasting, unappealing health cereal. Where Fiber One resembles those crispy lo-mein noodles that accompany Chinese soups, All-Bran looks like a mix of twigs and dried bugs. It has a bland, sodden taste I’m sure is similar to chewing on raw stalks of wheat. And it becomes soggy almost instantly when milk of any origin is added. And nutritionally it doesn’t quite stack up. All-Bran matches Fiber One’s 60 calorie count, but contains 6 grams of sugar, compared to none, and only 10 grams (40%) dietary fiber. An all around loser and surely root of all jokes made at the expense of other healthy cereals.

But, the All-Bran line isn’t without a saving grace. Last week when my neighborhood grocery store was out of that wonderful manna, Fiber One, I discovered All-Bran’s Bran Buds. Crispy little bits of bran, All-Bran’s Buds have an interesting texture and appearance that rests somewhere between Rice-Krispies and Grape-Nuts. Not as naturally sweet as Fiber One, but flavorful enough to leave patriarch All-Bran in the dust, Bran Buds became a welcome substitute; especially when I considered the 13 grams (51%) of fiber and 70 calories per serving.

As good as some of these twigs and buds are, there’s a lack of variety in both flavor and texture after a few boxes of these breakfast goodies. The ever changing stock of Kashi cereals in the aisle always seemed appealing, despite their hippie overtones, so I compared some side panels and began the taste tests. My first choice was Kashi Vive in the Toasted Graham and Vanilla flavor. With a calorie count in the low hundreds, a fiber content around 10 grams, the promise of “probiotics for healthy digestion,” and the possibility of some outside flavoring I was willing to give it a shot. Vive is comprised of three components: Fiber One-like bran sticks, broad flakes, and little Kix-esque bits. The whole mélange has a pleasing toasty taste, though little discernable vanilla, and stays pleasantly toothsome in milk. A wholly enjoyable bowl and I’m sure a good bridge ceral between the regular world and the healthy… were it not for the fact that it was recently discontinued by Kashi. Boo-urns.

With Kashi Vive seemingly gone forever I had to branch out. Kashi offers so many options that surely one must satisfy mouth and stomach in a similar fashion. But what? Kashi’s GOLEAN seems to be a popular choice as it takes up a good portion of shelf space and seems to be one of their more heavily advertised products. The GOLEAN Crunch with toasted bits of graham, wheaty puffs, and bran twigs is a lightly sweet, crunchy mix, with my only complaint aimed at the toasted graham bits which become soggy very quickly and are so small that they become lost in the mix of the other components. I’ve also been experimenting with Kasha’s Good Friends cereal in its original formulation as I try to abstain from raisins. A similar ménage of cereal bits and pieces Good Friends combines granola clusters, flakes, and those wheaty puffs that come to mine whenever I hear the word “Kashi.” While Good Friends loses to GOLEAN in the taste department, it kills in the texture field by remaining crisp throughout the bowl; even the flakes.

While all cereals I’ve sampled so far have been mostly excellent, if I were forced to rank them, which, let’s face it, I love to do, the standings would look something like this:

1. General Mill’s Original Fiber One
2. Kasha’s Vive (R.I.P.)
3. Kasha’s Original Good Friends
4. Kellogg’s All-Bran Bran Buds
5. Kasha’s GOLEAN Crunch
And, at a very distant 6:
Kellogg’s Original All-Bran

Where once I was ashamed to admit my secret longings for hippie-dippie, twig-n-berry healthy cereal I now embrace this love whole heartedly. Not because it makes me healthier or somehow better than other cereal enthusiasts, but because it’s just fucking delicious and right.

I’m here. I’m regular. Get used to it.

Pork Burger Dinner Party!

2010-07-28T18:08:00.002-04:00

As part of what we hope becomes a monthly-or-so occurrence, and as repayment for such a delightful dinner, Nicole and I made dinner for Norm and Katie a few weeks ago. The food was delicious, the drinks refreshing, and the company out of this world.

The menu was simple: sage and rosemary pork burgers, apple slaw, and sweet potato fries with grown up Californias to wash it all down. Simple, but delicious twists on the ever classic burger-n-fry combo.

Here’s how it all comes together:

Before any cooking can get underway, it’s important to stoke the fires of creativity and hunger with a cool refreshing cocktail. Katie and Norm brought the mixings to make an adult variation on the popular Swenson’s libation known as the California. Swenson’s, a popular Akron-area drive-in burger chain makes theirs out of ginger ale, grape juice, and a lemon wedge. We made ours like this:
Fill a highball glass with ice, pour in 1½-2oz of grape vodka (they brought Skyy). Fill remainder of glass with ginger ale and garnish with a slice of lemon.

This is basically a fun, fruity take on a buck or mule, the classic combination of liquor, ginger ale, and citrus. While the grape flavor dominates the concoction, the spicy hints of ginger and the tart bite of the lemon bring balance and depth to the drink. The perfect sipper when standing around a hot grill.

As a side dish we whipped up some “perfect oven sweet potato fries.” I’ve tried similar recipes to this before but this time they actually turned out the way I hoped they would. We started with 2 medium-large sized sweet potatoes which I skinned and chopped into even sized pieces. Or at least as even as I could. I then arranged the potato bits on a cookie sheet and drizzled olive oil over them and tossed to coat all sides. Once they were sufficiently coated I seasoned them with salt and pepper. All set and ready to go I placed them in an oven pre-heated to 450. The baked for 15 minutes the first time before being removed, flipped and baked again for about seven minutes. The recipe called for a 15 then ten minute term in the oven, but after the first 15 things were well on their way so we shortened the second cook time to prevent total charification. The finished product was slightly overdone in a few spots but basically yielded fries that were crisp and toasty on the outside, soft and sweet on the inside. About as good as they get without a deep fryer. We served these with sriracha and a sauce of Nicole’s invention made from sour cream, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Sweet and spicy with that excellent acrid funk from the sour cream, this was the perfect dip for these fried beauties.

The main course came courtesy of a recipe Nicole found in Self magazine. Pork burgers seasoned with thyme and sage, topped with spinach, chive “mayo,” and apple slaw sounded great on paper, seemed easy enough, too, but could we pull it off at home? Totally. Everything was easy to find and assemble, but the results were far beyond anything we expected.

For the burgers: combine ½ pound each of lean ground beef and pork with a tablespoon of chopped fresh rosemary and a tablespoon of sage, also chopped fresh, and season with a healthy pinch of salt (about ¼ teaspoon). Since we were feeding five of us and two members of the dining party have removed beef from their diet we subbed more pork in for the beef and doubled all ingredients. This yielded 6 1/3 pound burgers that cooked for about 15 minutes total over both direct and indirect heat.

For the “mayo”: combine 2 tablespoons of chopped, fresh chives with ½ cup of low- or non-fat sour cream. Season liberally with salt and pepper, stirring to combine.

For the slaw: peel and core 3 firm, ripe green apples, ours were Granny Smith. Grate the apples on the widest side of a box grater. Place apples in a bowl and dress with olive oil, 2 teaspoons; lemon juice, 1 teaspoon; and salt, another healthy pinch or two in the ¼ teaspoon neighborhood. Toss ingredients to combine and let sit for flavors to marry.

Once the burgers are finished place them on buns and top with the slaw, “mayo,” and plenty of spinach. Serve with fries and icy cold Californias for a great evening meal.

I managed to cook the burgers perfectly, I’d alternately over and under done things the last few times I’d manned the grill, but this was the confidence boost I needed to get back behind the flipper. Well seared and marked on the outside, just lightly pink, hot, and juicy on the inside. The sage/rosemary combination added muscle and earthiness to the sweet pig flesh and played well with the excellent smokey grill taste. The tangy bite of chives and sour cream added some fattiness to the dish and accompanied the sweet/sour dynamic of the apple slaw perfectly. While the delicate taste of the spinach was all but lost in this complex, flavorful burger, the texture of the crisp green leaves was exactly what this otherwise soft palate meal needed.

It’s unfortunately rare to create something so perfect in the comfort of one’s own swelteringly hot kitchen, but when it happens, especially in the company of friends, it’s truly one of life’s greatest pleasures.

http://www.self.com/fooddiet/recipes/2004/12/rosemary-sage-burgers
http://www.instructables.com/id/Perfect-Oven-Sweet-Potato-Fries/
http://www.swensonsdriveins.com/default.asp

South of the Border con El Castigador del Hígado

2010-07-27T16:09:00.004-04:00

The season premiere of Mad Men aired this past Sunday and we celebrated with a little get together and hors d’oeuvres buffet. The snacks were simple: chips, dip, snack mix, cheese and crackers, etc. Nothing fancy or mind blowing just fun and filling and easy to share.

BUT! We drank well. Very well. Guests, Paul and Alicia, contributed a six pack of Dundee’s Summer Wheat ale. A crisp, refreshing, golden hoppy wheat beer that I’m sure was had at a price that belied its tastiness. My offering to the party was a pitcher of sangria.

I’ve mixed and tested numerous batches of the red stuff over the years. It’s a great summer libation, perfect with Spanish or Mexican dishes, of course, but also excellent with summer grill fare or on its own before dinner. Plus it’s one of the easiest ways to treat you and guests to a delicious, refreshing beverage.

Having tasted a few variations of the drink I think I’ve found the perfect version. It’s simple, flavorful, and, best of all, not loaded down with fruit salad. (A quick aside: I understand the concept of “eating with your eyes.” That presentation is important. But when did it become acceptable practice to scrimp on the drink by filling glasses with soggy fruit. I know the old song and dance about how “the fruit absorbs the booze and then you eat it and it gets you drunk.” But I call bull shit. Save for porous apples and melons fruits have skins designed to keep fruit juice in and foreign liquids out so a whole, skin on grape is going to absorb next to nothing. Besides, good fruit is so full of liquid already, somewhere between 70 and 80% that there’s little to no room for it to absorb booze. At best alcohol soluble essential oils and fruit juice will leach into the punch/sangria/hairy buffalo adding some depth of flavor—although it will likely be imperceptible in the presence of high proof grain alcohol and Froot Punch Kool-Aid—but any loss of liquid from the fruit or break down of pectin due to prolonged soaking will make the fruit limp and unpleasant. Using frozen melon balls in lieu of ice cubes for some drinks is fine, topping a cocktail with a fruit salad is not. Ever. Thank you.) and now back to our regularly scheduled food blog posting...

Anywhoozle, the recipe, gleaned from the beverage section of a favorite Mexican/South American cookbook of mine, goes a little something like this:

Ingredients:

1 bottle (750mL) red wine

½ cup orange juice

½ cup brandy

¼ cup super fine (castor) sugar

Juice of 2 limes

Instructions:

Mix all ingredients in a large pitcher. Refrigerate for at least two hours. Serve over ice with garnish of lemon slices.

Notes:

For this party I used a shiraz, but any mostly dry red will due. I’ve had good luck with cabernet sauvignon in the past, pino noir is good, too, but merlot may be too dry in most cases. Don’t be tempted to use a sweet red as Sangria is a drink of checks and balances. The drier, spicier, sometimes bitter notes of dry reds are essential to the balance of the drink. Besides you’re going to be adding sugar and orange juice. This is a cold, mixed drink so the quality of wine isn’t urgent, but it should be something you’d be willing to drink on its own. I used Barefoot, about $6 per bottle, but I wouldn’t go a whole lot cheaper, unless you can find Crane Lake. If you don’t have castor sugar, a super finely ground that dissolves easily in water, fear not! Either give regular table sugar a spin in the food processor until finely ground OR make up a 1:1 simple syrup by heating ¼ cup sugar and ¼ cup water until completely dissolved. Some recipes call for triple sec, a sweet orange flavored liqueur, but sangrias made with triple sec are often too sweet, if you don’t have brandy—a type of distilled wine—and must use triple sec leave out the sugar. Using the juice of one and a half lemons or one lime and one lemon are acceptable variations. I like to garnish with lemon slices as the yellow peel contrasts nicely with the deep, purple-y/red color of the sangria.

Oh, and if it ain’t red wine it ain’t sangria. A perfectly nice wine punch or spritzer or whatever can be made with whites or blushes, but the name of the drink is sangria. As in sangre, as in the Spanish for blood. Unless you have some sort of horrible blood disease I’m assuming that your sangre is as rojo as mine.

Liver Punisher: Chicago War Journal: Operation Pitchfork Part 2

2010-07-25T11:10:00.007-04:00

Saturday:
We awoke Saturday morning reasonably well rested and ready for action. We decided that the best course of action would be to make our way to the festival via breakfast. We began our trek with a vague idea of where we were headed. When we arrived at the corner of West Chicago and North Damen it was decided that breakfast would be had at the Sunrise Café. Simply decorated to the point of non-décor, the Sunrise is every café, diner, or greasy spoon you’ve ever been to. The menu is simple and to the point, focusing on burgers, sandwiches, and breakfasts served all day. Shortie ordered a BL, a BLT minus the T, while Nicole and I opted for breakfast. Figuring I probably wouldn’t be eating again until at least 10pm I knew it had to be a solid meal. At the same time I didn’t want to spend the whole day, lumbering around in the sun with a belly full of lead. Therefore I opted out of the Smokey Mountain Eggs, a Barnyard Buster of sorts that piles all that is good and right about breakfast on a plate and then douses it in sausage gravy. Plus bonus bacon! It sounded as delicious as it was a bad idea for the coming day. Instead I chose an omelet and filled it with Gouda and sausage. The Gouda was rich and buttery, the sausage lightly spiced, but the eggs were a little over cooked. I guess better over than under, but not by much. Still, generally tasty and good fuel for the coming day. My dish also came with a side of hash browns and wheat toast. The has browns were golden crispy on the outside, soft and potato-y inside, just like they should be, and a perfect vehicle for a little ketchup and hot sauce. Nicole’s breakfast was less satisfactory, so I’m told. I tend to believe it was as the eggs in her Florentine were mostly over poached, still a little runny gold in the center, but the yolks look mostly set. I didn’t try any of it, but reports indicated a fair-at-best Hollandaise, as well. I doff my cap to Sunrise for attempting to class things up with a dish like Eggs Florentine, A-for-effort, but it seemed like the follow through was in the C to C- neighborhood. Of course, maybe I’m just a spoiled brat during breakfast since I’ve been dining on Vine and Bean and Inn on Coventry these past few months.
http://chicago.menupages.com/restaurants/sunrise-cafe/

Fed and ready for action we walked the rest of the way to the fest and wandered about. We caught the closing tracks from Spanish electro marvels Delorean and most of the Bright-Eyes-meets-Hold-Steady anthems of Titus Andronicus before moseying over to the Flatstock poster fair. A village of tents had been erected just outside the vendors’ area for Flatstock merchants to display their wares. Their offerings? Just some of the coolest concert posters ever created. There were art styles to meet every taste and just about every band imaginable. Highlights from Flatstock: the adorable minimalism of Stackmatic, the sketchy abstraction of Landland, and the brilliant simplicity of the Small Stakes. My big score, and (small) boost to the local economy, was a foam beer cozy from the Cleveland/NYC collaboration the Bubble Process, hot pink ghosts on black foam kept my drinks cold and me looking cool (photo to come soon!). Already feeling hot and parched having guzzled our water on arrival we scored a few Arnold Palmers in the “Big-Ass” size from the Chicago Diner food stand. A little sweet, a little sour, and a lot refreshing, AP hits the spot, every time. A few among us also took this opportunity to grab a bite, which included Julie’s veggie corndog, the Chicago Diner is known for its vegetarian and vegan interpretations of classic diner fare, and Brooke’s soy ice cream. The corndog, topped with a vegan cheese-like sauce was tepidly received, while the faux ice cream was more popular amongst those who accepted the offer for a taste. Me, I’ve never had a pleasant experience with soy ice cream so I passed, Nicole said it tasted like frozen butter. Sufficiently rehydrated we investigated the grungy glam of the Smith Westerns and the crowd murdering Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, still awesome after all these years. Wolf Parade would later jam eclectic and Panda Bear provided the perfect hazy soundtrack to the muggy evening. Finally LCD Soundsystem grabbed the reins on the main stage and brought the crowd to rolling boil before closing the night with a gorgeous, blaring version of Sound of Silver closer, “New York I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down.” We considered our asses rocked.
http://www.stackmatic.com/
http://www.landland.net/
http://thesmallstakes.com/
http://www.veggiediner.com/wp/

Next stop on this balmy Saturday evening was the Bottom Lounge for yet another birthday celebration. The walk to West Lake, near North Ogden, was relatively quick and Bottom Lounge, as well as Mark’s birthday area, was well stocked with patrons and well wishers. While waiting for a much desired seat I forged my way to the bar and eventually got the attention of the bartender. I placed my order and coughed up only to watch her deposit my change directly into the tip jar. What. The. Fuck! In no time or place or world or ever is this an even remotely acceptable practice. I was gladly going to tip her when she brought my change, it was, essentially hers, but to just take it? To assume that it was hers? It’s tantamount to theft, albeit petty, but theft is theft. For the rest of the night I opted to not order beers from the bar, lord knows what else might’ve been stolen from me, and ordered instead from our waitress and the lady selling beers out of a large bin upstairs, but we’ll get to that. Once we found some stools to park our weary bodies in we ordered some food from Bottom Lounge’s small menu. Julie and Nicole decided to share a grilled cheese sandwich and some fries, I got some pita and hummus. Despite the hurried atmosphere in the bar our food arrived quickly. Unfortunately it wasn’t fantastic. My pita was soft and tender, a plus, but the hummus was overly lemony, with citrus obliterating any of the nuttiness of the chick peas, creaminess of the tahini, or any trace of herb or spice, while the cucumbers that arrived in the basket were lifeless and limp. The bite I had of Nicole’s grilled cheese half was filled with bland, soggy bread and chemically cheese. The only bright spot was the fries. Perfectly fried and seasoned with garlic and parmesan it gave me hope that at lease one person in the Bottom Lounge kitchen knew what they were doing. With a little food in us we were able to try to enjoy our company, but it was difficult due to the throngs of people in the bar. This was due in part to its proximity to the festival as well as the fact that it was hosting the big post-Pitchfork concert which was a rare Cap’n Jazz reunion. All these factors considered it was still just too crowded, so we decided to get some air on Bottom Lounge’s rooftop patio. On our way out we stopped a bought a round from a lady sitting on a stool in front of what must surely have been an animal watering trough full of ice selling beers and trading Pitchfork drink tickets for shots, not a bad idea. Out on the patio things weren’t much better, instead of being surrounded on all sides in the air conditioned bar, we were surrounded and back in the evening heat. Despite the crowd we were able to enjoy a little fresh air and a stunning view of the city skyline. When we’d had enough we wandered back down to the first floor bar and bid farewell to the birthday boy.
http://www.bottomlounge.com/

The night was young yet and while we were walking back to Shortie’s we decided to take a brief detour to meet her and Maureen at the High Dive. What began as something I thought to be a reasonable walk turned what felt like an epic hike across this city, however this might have just been my exhaustion talking. When we arrived we discovered no Saturday drink specials to match Thursday’s and grabbed a round of bourbon and gingerales. Seeking rest our weary feet again we sat down with Mo and Shorite and a few others when suddenly food arrived. Shortie had ordered some of High Dive’s chicken wings and a basket of fries. Once again, the fries were beautifully executed, crisp outsides and flakey delicious centers, perfectly fried by someone who knows their way around a frymatic. The wings on the other hand were… interesting. I was told that High Dive Starts their wings by par-frying them then tossing them in sauce and finishing them on the grill for that smokey char and some sexy grill lines. The resulting meat is tasty, fried fattiness, smoked grilly-ness, and tangy sauciness. But the multi stage cooking process, especially something as dry as the grill, wrung most of the moisture from the already dry wings. Good flavor and bad texture do not great wings make. The bright side to this, however, was the triumphant, albeit somewhat misplaced, side sauce. A soy and wasabi mayo came with the wings and, when I dipped a fry in, revealed itself to be wonderfully rich and perfectly salty with just the right amount of tingle in the sinus from the wasabi. Like the man said: “Two out of three ain’t bad.”
http://www.yelp.com/biz/high-dive-chicago

Sunday:
After three days of hard eating and hard partying we were starting to feel the wear and tear, so a little extra sleeping in was in store. Eventually rousing from our slumber, Nicole and I set out on a search for brunch. We originally planned on meeting some friends at a restaurant, but were cut short when they texted us letting us know that said restaurant no longer serves breakfast. Bummer. Undaunted and across the street from our second choice spot we crossed the street and put our names on the wait list for Earwax. This oddly named, carnival side-show themed eatery was busy enough for a Sunday morning but we were seated quickly. We parsed the menu while sipping some of their delicious, fresh brewed coffee. One of the better cups I had on this outing, Earwax boasts a strong, full bodied joe with smokey aftertastes, and a pleasantly bitter twang. A little cream and just a touch of sugar and it was just about the best thing a body can drink first thing in the morning. Earwax’s menu is smallish, but strong, with plenty of great sandwiches and breakfast served all day. Being a dyed-in-the-wool breakfast aficionado I was all over their bevy of choices finally selecting their breakfast burrito. Nicole was also feeling the burrito vibe and ordered the barbequed seitan burrito. Earwax’s menu skews towards the veggie/healthy end of the spectrum and, in fact, the menu reminded a bit of Cleveland’s own Tommy’s. Anyways, food arrived in good time despite the fact that they were constantly busy and we tucked in. My burrito was massive, filled with scrambled eggs, cheddar, refried beans and avocado. With a side of potatoes, salsa, and sour cream, this was a champ-worthy breakfast for sure. The eggs were perfectly cooked, light and fluffy, but firm enough to stay in place while eating. The beans and cheese added some meatiness and body to the wrap, but the avocados were oddly scattered. I’d eaten about a quarter before I found even a hint of green and then bam, a huge pocket, my only real complaint with my breakfast and it’s a minor one. The potatoes were well seasoned and beautifully fried and extra tasty with some hot sauce mixed with the sour cream and salsa. Come to think of it that mixture was a bit of alright on the burrito, too. Nicole’s “barbequed” seitan burrito was pretty tasty as well, but Earwax seems to be playing pretty loose with the term “barbeque.” In my mind barbeque means one of three things: (1) meat that’s cooked low and slow in order to enhance texture and flavor, (2) more loosely, anything that’s been cooked on a grill, or (3) something with barbeque sauce on it. Earwax’s burrito fell into none of these categories. The seitan had more of a southwest/Mexican flavor; the beans and rice inside certainly backed this up, as did the chips, salsa, and sour cream that accompanied her brunch. While I am wasting too much time on the semantics of nomenclature here, I am not saying it wasn’t delicious which it was, just improperly marked.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/earwax-cafe-chicago

With some serious gut fuel to get us through the last day of the festival we made a short detour to Shortie’s before heading to the park as we had been soaked in a sudden downpour on the way to brunch. Dryly attired and amply sun screened we wandered over to the park. We arrived in time to catch a portion of Lightning Bolt’s set. Unfortunately the Brians’ blown-out sonic extremism didn’t translate from skuzzy house show to massive P.A. A lot of Gibson’s calculated racket was translated into a bland din post-mixing board, and all but one of Chippendale’s drums and cymbals were making any sort of impact. Surfer Blood and St. Vincent, on the other hand, sounded perfectly crisp and clear. Vincent especially shone on the middle stage combining her perfectly crafted pop with live guitar shredding and noisy, arrhythmic breakdowns that, as if by magic, reshaped into her shimmery, esoteric jamz. After the long, dreary, dancehall pastiche of Major Lazer, we forged our way into the fray to snag a decent locale for the impending Pavement-ing. Just a few yards right of the main stage sound booth and about 100 from the stage we felt pretty confident in our vantage. After a thoroughly rousing performance from Out Kast’s Big Boi, a couple Heineken Lights—the surprisingly drinkable sponsor beer at Pitchfork this year, not fantastic, but as easy drinking as any other major brand light beer— and soft pretzels with tangy beer cheese from the Berghoff food stand—totally awesome!—it was Pavement time. The band took the stage in a properly shambolic way that brought to mind Bevis and Butthead’s infamous Pavement jab that these guys aren’t trying hard enough. The power quintet ripped their way through an excellent set of mid-album rockers and a few slow jamz, reaching back to Slanted and Enchanted just twice—“Two States” and “Fame Throwa”—with “Spit on a Stranger” the only representative of Terror Twilight. But the set list mattered little as I would’ve been happy to hear them play Wowee Zowee b-sides for the hour.
http://www.berghoff.com/

We and the other thousands of lucky souls trudged out of the park and towards some destination or another. Ours was the quest for a bus and food. Packed like sardines in what I’m sure was a safety violation of some sort on the blue line, we headed back towards Bucktown and Ukranian Village in the hopes of scoring pizza and beer from Piece Pizzeria and Brewery. But our dreams were dashed upon arrival when we were informed that the kitchen was closed. The pizza place next door had recently been cleaned out, presumably by throngs of hungry concert goers, so we moved on to plan “C.” Appropriate since our third option was Cleo’s. A ten minute walk brought us to our destination and a large table where we tried our best to devour all the cheese in the joint. Cheese cubes and fried mac’n’cheese appetizers were the opening salvo followed by a full cheese blitzkrieg. There were pizzas of all flavor and stripe, a few quesadillas, and, of course, cheese burgers. Nicole and I kept things simple with a pepperoni pizza and some fried cheddar cheese cubes. The cubes were excellent--how could battered, fried cheese not be--and the pizza was, well, pizza. Homemade dough, a zesty tomato sauce, good cheese, and a healthy sprinkle of pepperoni; all well executed and delicious, but nothing terribly new or mind blowing. Other dining companions were a little more adventurous, the buffalo chicken pizza smelled amazing and the bite or two I had from the barbeque chicken quesadilla was excellent. The real food winner of the night, however, was the bacon bleu pizza. Homemade dough again served as the base, but instead of regular tomato sauce Cleo’s subs in a tangier, heavily herbed tomato sauce. The whole thing is then covered in bacon and smothered in sweet, funky bleu cheese. I only had a small piece, but wow. Wow.
http://www.cleoschicago.com/

Feeling sufficiently refueled those of us that didn’t have to work the next morning, or simply didn’t care, walked across the street to the Map Room. Map Room is one of my favorite Chicago watering holes. The walls are covered with, you guessed it, maps; maps of all types, variety, and age, as well as numerous shelves of National Geographic. The beer selection is ample as it is impressive, more than two dozen draughts, a huge bottle list, and a hand pumped, casked beer. The selection leans towards the fruitier, more malty Belgian beers and domestic sympathizers, but there’s plenty of room for hops in the Map Room rotation, too. I opted for the hand pulled Arcadia IPA and received and imperial pint, 20oz, of hoppy, smooth beer goodness. Not as bitter or robust as say a Sierra Nevada or its ilk, the Arcadia variation had a nutty, brown color and at times was reminiscent of New Castle. At least when it first hits the tongue, the after taste is pure IPA citrus/pine goodness. Hand pulling from the cask gives the beer a smoother mouth feel, not as carbonated as a bottled or traditionally drafted beer, the beer engine makes for a creamy texture which is fantastic, but creates a strange disconnect between taste and texture when drinking hand pulled IPAs. Nicole’s choice was the Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye. Dark and hoppy the Hop Rod tastes of IPA when if first goes in, but has a wonderful dry, spicy finish from the rye with which it is made. And at 8% ABV it packs a pretty good kick. After round one we discussed another and decided that we were on vacation, damnit, and we would drink beer all night if we so chose. And we did! Round two found me with a Boulder Beer Company Cold Hop English Style Ale. Golden, wheaty in color this interesting brew boasts a great floral nose and some serious fruity flavors followed by a great hoppy sting and an oddly buttery/fatty aftertaste and mouth feel. Delicious and refreshing, like a more complex variation on Boddington’s Pub Ale. Nicole, perhaps at the recommendation of the beer list, Chose the Goldbräu by Stiegl, due to it being “perfect for warmer weather.” A light, crisp German lager this would be an ideal beer to sip before, during, and/or after mowing the lawn or most any other summer activity. Refreshing to max and served in one of the coolest pilsners I’ve ever seen. The one curious aspect of this otherwise simple beer was the aftertaste. While we both agreed it was quite literally corny, Nicole felt it tasted of Fritos while I thought it was more along the lines of corn tortillas. Tasty but odd. Our cravings for late night food and drink well sated we departed the Map Room at last call and staggered back to Shortie’s one last time.
http://www.maproom.com/

Monday:
It was a bittersweet morning when we woke on Monday. On one hand glad to be headed for home, on the other sad to leave so many wonderful people and places behind. We packed up our, now very sweaty, belongings and loaded up the car. But the six hour drive ahead of us demanded a solid farewell brunch. After a little debate over where to eat and what may or may not be open on a Monday afternoon we decided on late-night Lakeview beacon, the Pick Me Up Café. Just a few blocks stumbling distance from MLB’s most iconic stadium, the Pick Me Up is a 24 hour espresso bar and diner serving up a variety of traditional diner fare with veggie and vegan twists—if you find yourself in Lakeview in need of some serious late night munchables I can’t recommend the veggie chili and vegan, that’s right, mac’n’cheeze! We drifted the few blocks from Bucktown to Lakeview with Nicole offering her one-woman tour of Chicago along the way and found an amazing, albeit expensive, parking spot in front of our diner. We seated ourselves at a table decorated with images of the Sesame Street crew made from food. For starters I grabbed a huge mug of PMU’s excellent coffee. Strong, flavorful, scorching hot, this cuppa was a fitting farewell to all the great coffee that can be had in Chi-tonw (http://tinyurl.com/chitonw). Nicole’s Americano, espresso and hot water, was also excellent. I suppose none of this should be surprising since it is an espresso bar, but still good coffee is good coffee and I believe in giving credit where credit is due. The menu at Pick Me Up is a well curated selection of breakfast/lunch/dinner options in, as I said, the diner vein with a healthy/meat free twist. In what is an occasional twist for me I strayed from the egg route and ordered a plate of PMU’s “famous” Kahlua pancakes and a side of home fries. For Nicole: the New Yorker, a base of potatoes, peppers, onions, pesto and goat cheese topped with two eggs of your choosing. She chose scrambled. We lazily worked the Chicago Reader’s crossword puzzle and sipped our drinks while waiting for our food. Pick Me Up takes a pretty relaxed approach to most things so it wasn’t a surprise that we had a bit of wait, but it was well worth it when food arrived. My pancakes’ dark brown hue reflected the rich, dark liqueur that flavored them and were dusted with powdered sugar and (too much) cinnamon. Smeared with a little butter and a splash of syrup, they were delicious. Perfectly cooked on the griddle, the pancakes had a firm outer ring and a soft cake-like interior. They were perfectly sweet on their own and boasted an essence or hint of Kahlua, like a memory of the drink, thankfully, and not a shot in every bite. The potatoes were a little on the soft side but well seasoned and cooked with red and green pepper bits and a few onions, much improved with a few shakes of hot sauce and some of Heinz’ finest. Nicole seemed to have won the breakfast lottery this time, her plate was heaped with firm, well cooked potatoes, bright hunks of pepper and onion, creamy mounds of goat cheese, and a vibrant green pesto, bursting with the flavor of fresh basil, and topped with some perfectly scrambled eggs. For whatever reason her potatoes were cooked better than mine, with a much better texture, and I’m filing away the idea of a goat cheese and caramelized onion omelet topped with fresh pesto for later. Yum to the maxxx!
http://www.yelp.com/biz/pick-me-up-cafe-chicago

With the crossword mostly completed, our third of forth cuppa polished off, stomachs well plied we got some gas and water before getting back on the road. The drive home on a Monday afternoon was also pretty easy, a little more traffic than a late Wednesday evening, but no traffic jams or long lines on the expressway, just smooth sailing. We stopped a few times for coffee and other pit stops, but basically made it home without issue. Road weary and famished upon our arrival we bandied around some dinner ideas, the short walk to Aladdin’s at Surrey and Cedar was a front runner before settling on an overlooked gem in Cleveland’s ever expanding food crown: Richie Chan’s. Located just west of the Cedar/Lee intersection, Chan’s is easy to miss with all the glitz and glamour just up the road, but it shouldn’t be missed. Primarily a carry out, there are a few tables available, Chan’s is run by a middle aged couple we’ve dubbed “Mr. and Mrs. Chan.” She takes the orders then barks them at him, he cooks them up, she packs them and dishes out the goods. While the menu at Richie Chan’s appears at first/second/hundredth glance to be pretty standard, the food is vastly superior to almost any I’ve ever had, save for maybe a few meals in New York’s Chinatown and the always surprising Yangtze on Chardon’s square. Chan’s General Tso’s Chicken is unlike any I’ve ever had, sweet, spicy, and loaded with ginger. Their wonton soup should be the standard to which all others are held, buttery, meaty broth, delicate wontons, and sumptuous roast pork; it’s a rare visit that we don’t leave without a quart. And the egg rolls are not to be missed, crisp and fresh tasting in both veggie and shrimp incarnations. My order that night, and my “usual” is the cashew pork. Loaded with carrots, peas, corn, and mushrooms and peppered with savory thin sliced pork it is utterly simple and wildly delicious on its own but doesn’t mind being perked up with some spicy mustard or sriracha. Nicole scored some veggie lo mein which was so straight forward and compact that it belied its simple intrinsic deliciousness; also excellent with a few dashes of the spicy stuff.
http://www.pluggedincleveland.com/restaurants/1615+richie+chans+chinese+restaurant.html

An epically entertaining trip to and from the Midway, full of great food, excellent drink, and, most importantly, wonderful people. I can’t wait for my next opportunity to eat and drink my way through one of my favorite cities on the planet.

Liver Punisher: Chicago War Journal: Operation Pitchfork Part 1

2010-07-24T15:26:00.008-04:00

It was Pitchfork season again last weekend so with tickets in hand and bags packed, Nicole and I made that not-at-all-short-but-not-too-long drive to Chicago for three days of out door music, sun, and, of course, binge eating!

We left late Wednesday night and arrived early Thursday morning. Despite the late hour of the drive we made excellent time and encountered no traffic on any of the turnpikes, the Sky Way, or the Dan Ryan Expressway. Not ideal driving time, I know, but not having to deal with anyone else on the road was nice. Of course this trek required fuel for both drive and car so we slurped down coffee and noshed on sandwiches, everything bagels with horseradish cheese, salami, and stadium mustard—yum!—and Planter’s salt-n-pepper cashews, tasty but nothing notable (try s+p pistachios for a delicious nut that will knock a new ass in your taste hole!)

Thursday:
Exhausted but glad to be there, we both crashed upon arrival in the City of Big Shoulders—due to a dearth of breeze this past weekend I will reserve all “Windy City” references for later, cooler posts. After some serious sleeping in, at least on my part, and a relaxing morning of reading Jeffery Steingarten’s The Man Who Ate Everything, which is probably the best book ever written about food, we made our first of many dining excursions.

We kicked things off right in Chicago by visiting one of the most esteemed culinary outposts in a city crammed to the gills with good eats: Hot Doug’s. Hot Doug’s Sausage Superstore and Encased Meat Emporium has been a dream food destination of mine for several years now, ever since Justin began extolling the merits of their countless varieties of house made sausages. In fact I’d heard so much about how great Hot Doug’s was that I, briefly, began to doubt weather it could be that good. Any doubt I had was obliterated when we arrived and took our places in line. I understand that on some days, especially Fridays and Saturdays when fries cooked in the culinary gold known as duck fat are on the menu, the wait for some encased meat can reach the two-hour mark, but we made it out of the heat and into the a/c in about half an hour. Not a bad wait, all things considered. But the wait was the easy part. Once we were inside I had to figure out what I wanted to eat. I’d been thinking about this moment for so long I felt like Ralphy when he finally gets to see Santa in A Christmas Story. I was blanking! Here I was about to face Doug himself and I had no idea what I was even doing there! I took a few deep breaths and asked Nicole what she would be having while I took a more composed glance at the menus. At first I was focused mainly on the special menu which features items like the Foie Gras and Sauternes Duck Sausage with Truffle Aioli, Foie Gras Mousse, and Fleur de Sel, or a “Damn Spicy” pork sausage with Chipotle Dijonnaise and Habenero Jack Cheese called the Atomic Bomb. Where else in the world could you ever hope to find sausages so esoterically designed and lovingly created? Surely they must be mine! But then there was the standard menu chock full of simpler, but no less delicious sounding, encased meat fare. The Keira Knightly Fire Dog and Salma Hayek andouille sausage each sounded appealing for a variety of reasons. As did the Elvis, a smoked Polish sausage and maybe the only Elvis referencing food item in the world that does not feature peanut butter and banana. The Marty Allen, beef, pork and garlic was tempting for sure, so was the Pete Shelley if for no other reason than a veggie dog in a self-described “Encased Meat Emporium” has to be something worth trying once. In the end I think I chose wisely, opting for: The Paul Kelly: a beer soaked bratwurst that is grilled and split bilaterally. I had it topped with tangy mustard and caramelized onions. As well as the smoked and spicy alligator sausage topped with shrimp remoulade and fontina cheese.

Nicole also chose from the special menu and picked up a Sonoran Dog: a jalapeno and cheddar beef dog with jalapeno mayo, jalapeno bacon, pinto beans, tomatoes, and onions with a small order of HD’s hand-cut fries and a dish of cheese sauce for dipping.

I can only describe this dining experience as incredible. The food is perfect. The Paul Kelly was flavorful, tender with a good crunchy casing and the mustard/onion combo provided a little sweetness and a little spice. Everything a brat should be, and more. My gator sausage was huge, dangling off the ends of the bun. It was spicy and smokey with a delicious garlic and wild-game funk. The spice and game was beautifully foiled by the creamy, fishiness of the remoulade and chunks of fontina. The flavor would best be described as gyro-like, if gyros were made from wild game and had a nice fishy aftertaste. Absolutely wonderful, and it filled me with strength and animal energy eating something that could easily kill and eat me! Nicole’s Sonoran was fantasic as well. It was bright and flavorful despite being so cramjammed with jalapeno. Spicy to be sure, but not overwhelming, it left me wondering: where can I get my own jalapeno bacon? The house made fries were great as well, perfectly cooked with crisp outsides and soft flakey insides, tasting equally of fry-o-later magic and earthy goodness.

Prior to this visit I couldn’t wait to have my Hot Doug’s craving sated and be done with it. But now it’s even stronger! I want to try all the dogs in Doug’s bag of meat tricks as well as the legendary Duck Fat Fries, although I do not feel that my visit was in any way shape or form tarnished by their absence.
http://www.hotdougs.com/

Having gorged on Hot Doug’s as a late afternoon lunch Nicole and I returned to Shorties, our unofficial Chicago flop-house, for a little post meal r’n’r. We napped and lounged for a few hours before rinsing off the day’s heat and the previous night’s car ride in preparation for Maureen’s birthday extravaganza. According to Mo, on her last visit to Cleveland, the only time she eats Mexican is on her birthday so I guess it was kind of an honor to be there for this annual occasion. The site of this fiesta was Jose’s, a modest BYOB spot on North Winchester in Chicago’s Ukrainian Village neighborhood. We were told to come prepared so just about every other person in attendance had a bottle of tequila tagging along for the meal as Jose’s will make you a margarita if you bring the hard stuff. We were handed a few Tecate’s on our arrival and ordered a pair of margaritas while settling in with some chips and salsa. The chips were delicious and more than likely homemade, and the salsa had a fres, spicy kick. Things were off to a good start. We put in a few table wide orders for appetizers, a couple plates of guacamole and some queso fundido loaded with roasted Mexican peppers, all excellent. I guess at this point I should come clean on the fact that I was still stuffed from Hot Doug’s and the idea of eating more, even that manna from the gods that is Mexican, seemed like a reasonably to terribly bad idea. But I thought I should at least have something other than chips and dips so when the waiter came around I selected one barbacoa and one al patstor taco. Actually, I originally picked those two meats to fill some soft and tender tamales, but the menu fails to mention that tamales are only available on the weekends, boo-urns. So I checked the taco box on my order instead and waited very patiently to see what kind of room I had left in my food vault. In turned out there was just enough for these two excellent specimens. The barbacoa was tender and beefy with a little spice, a little onion, and a healthy handful of cilantro. The al pastor was porky and delicious but a little over done. While the charred bits on the edges added some great smokey flavor to my “Mexican gyro” the inside was a tad dry. The onion/cilantro/salsa on top helped this matter immensely. The rest of the food on the table looked delicious and huge, so I felt less guilty about not ordering something I probably wouldn’t have finished more than a third of, plus I was still running on Doug’s and gator so I didn’t need much anyways.
http://chicago.citysearch.com/profile/602895972/chicago_il/jose_s_fine_mexican_restaurant.html

Having plied ourselves with Mexican goodies and a handful of margaritas we moved the party just around the block to the High Dive. Located on West Chicago Avenue, between Winchester and Wolcott, the High Dive is an understated little bar with a handful of 4-6 person high-tops, several expansive booths, and a gorgeous bar that is either an antique or a very reasonable facsimile. Every one ordered a round and we toasted Maureen again. Not knowing what the High Dive had to offer I watched another partygoers order that Champagne of Beers and followed suit, just moments before noticing the weekly specials posted way above the bar. Thursday night at the High Dive is $4 Absolut drinks, if only I’d seen that sooner! I contentedly sipped my High Life before switching to the 3 Floyds IPA they had on tap, and what a world of difference! 3 Floyds’ IPA is a strong entry into the category, full of aromatic and bitter hops that lend it that floral bouquet and citrusy aftertaste sought after in most IPAs, rank it right in there with Sierra Nevada for a excellent and fully competent IPA, yardsticks to measure all others against. From there on out I was Moscow Mules for the rest of the night, the sumptuous blend of ginger ale, vodka, and lime is perfectly refreshing on a hot summer night after a long day of eating heavily. I should also note in here that while at High Dive I chanced to try a few swigs of a friend’s New Castle Summer Ale. Tasting somewhere between regular New Castle and a watery IPA, New Castle’s summer ale is tasteless and alternately bland sweet, soggy, and bitter. Avoid this beer at all costs.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/high-dive-chicago

Friday:
Having properly rung in Mo’s b-day on Thursday and with Pitchfork not getting revved up until later on its first day we decided to sleep in for a bit before fueling up for a long day of rocking and quite possibly rolling. When we finally roused ourselves from slumber we wandered around the corner from Shortie’s to Small Bar. There are actually three Small Bars in Chicago, we visited the Division location. Charming and ramshackle, Small Bar exists in a limbo between actual dive-iness and affected dive-iness. Regardless of its actual status as a dive it was welcoming, offered a great beer selection, and is apparently the place to watch soccer in that neighborhood; the walls decorated with Arsenal and United scarves and a huge banner baring a logo similar to that of the Ramones with the word “SOCCER” emblazoned in that blocky, san-serif font. While scanning the menu we discussed the need for some dog hair that morning and finally decided on 3 Floyds Gumballhead for Nicole and I and an Allagash White for Shortie. You may judge if you like, but Gumballhead is so good I offer that it should be nationally instituted as the official beer of breakfast. Wheaty, hoppy, citrusy, and just a little bitter, Gumballhead is as delicious and refreshing as any juice you might slug down in the morning, plus it’s filled with the beer goodness your Q-zone requires so much of. Also, it was about 12:30 or 1:00 when we got there and we were on vacation so, yeah. At any rate, if you’re a fan of Bell’s Oberon and feel it’s unreasonable that such a tasty draught is only available in the summer I recommend moving to 3 Floyds’ distribution area or stock piling 3 Floyds for those long, cold winter months.

With a splash of beer to revive body and soul we were ready to eat. Small Bar offers a brief but solid menu of bar standards: burgers, sandwiches, assorted sides and snacks. Nothing wild and crazy, just good food that tastes better with beer and possibly sports. Having been told to by most everyone I’d encountered the night before, I ordered the pulled pork nachos. For breakfast. Well, brunch I guess given the timing of our meal, but it seemed an odd choice for my first meal of the day. While I got my own order, Shortie and our dining companion Adam opted to split theirs. When they finally arrived I could see why. The nachos arrived in a bowl most restaurants would use to serve a family style pasta dish with a pile of crisp, delicious tortilla chips piled high above the rim. On top was a mound of steamy hot barbequed pork, several generous handfuls of cheese, and a healthy dollop of sour cream. It was big, but I was hungry. Before diving in mouth first I needed to test the waters and so took a healthy bite of nothing but pork. It was good, real good. Slow cooked beautifully, although not smoked, and slathered in a sweet barbeque sauce, a tasty counterpoint to the spicy pork that makes up the Pig Destoyer, Led Zeppelin, and pulled pork fries over at Kuma’s Corner. Kuma’s sauce is a bright, bold, and daring dressing, while Small Bar’s is unctuous and inviting. Coupled with zesty jack and cheddar and supplemented with daubs of sour cream, Small Bar’s pulled pork nachos are a great way to start a long day of outdoor music festival attending. Continuing the theme of appetizer-for-brunch Nicole ordered some of Small Bar’s other infamous app: fried cheese curds. Dipped in a stout based batter and fried, these cheddar curds are as hearty and fun as any mozzarella stick, with the bonus of that sharp cheddar zing. The tangy honey mustard dipping sauce that accompanies the curds was excellent, but I found a few dots of sriracha to be just as tasty an accompaniment.
http://www.thesmallbar.com/

More than well fed, we departed Small Bar so that Nicole and Shortie could get hair cuts from their favorite trimmer and I roamed the streets of Chicago in search of danger. And by danger I mean comic shops, book stores, and record retailers. My first stop at Brainstorm, a comic book shop and video rental spot that boasts a respectable selection of both despite its limited retail space; I picked up a copy of Doom Patrol volume 2: The Painting That Ate Paris. From there I wandered down the street checking out the local stores as I wandered. When I came to Gallery Café I couldn’t help but venture in. For coffee lovers the world round freshly and expertly roasted beans are a must. Cleveland’s Phoenix Coffee has its own roaster in the city, as does Bowling Green’s Grounds for Thought. But Gallery takes this demand for freshness one step further and roasts their beans on site as they need them, while you might smell more like the inside of a coffee pot after a few minutes in Gallery than you might at other cafés, the funk is well worth it as this is some of the finest coffee I’ve ever sipped. With the mercury speeding ever northward in Chicago I opted for Gallery’s iced coffee. Rich and bold with a splash of cream for color and a reduction in acidity, this was exactly the thing I needed to survive such a heat wave with such a full stomach. My last stop, I never did make it to Reckless, was Quimby’s. One of the finest bookstores in the world, specializing in all the weird and eccentric books other stores tuck away or simply refuse to stock. This is an excellent spot to find everything from the newest graphic novels to local and national `zines to The Anarchist’s Cookbook. There’s a whole section dedicated to the printed materials from and related to McSweeney’s, the art books have their own graffiti subsection, and they proudly sell “gay smut,” their words not mine, in the front section of the store; no beaded curtains or hushed whispers for something behind the counter. I perused their aisles for a long time but was ultimately overcome by choices; I wanted it all, but I got none.
http://www.gallerycafechicago.com/
http://www.brainstormmcg.com/
http://www.quimbys.com/
http://www.groundsforthought.com/indexcafe.html
http://phoenixcoffee.com/

I was soon whisked away for an afternoon of rock’n’roll fun at Pitchfork where I managed to digest away all the pork and chips while enjoying the abrasive post-everything jamz of Liars, the comedy melt-down of Michael Showalter, and the competent execution of Modest Mouse. But all this loud music and a few beers had left me feeling mighty hungry. Post fest we boarded a blue-line bus and made for that beacon of late-night Mexican goodness: Arturo’s. A perennial Chicago favorite of mine, I was introduced to Arturo’s by Nicole on our first visit to the city last September. We’ve been many times since and I knew what I wanted before we even got there. Arturo’s was busy when we arrived but we managed to find two tables to accommodate our eight hungry companions. A double check of the menu showed that they did indeed still serve tacos both barbacoa and al pastor. The quesadilla was not on the menu, but it never is. I overhead some rumbling concerning the al pastor come from our sister table and was struck by a cold sweat. Might I not be able to have my al pastor? Was the spit layered with slabs of seasoned pork and slowly roasted as it spins, like a Mexican gyro, really scraped bare? When the waitress came to take our order my worst fears were confirmed. Yes, they have no al pastor. I scrambled over the menu again looking for a replacement. There is no real replacement for a good taco al pastor, but I decided on a taco carnitas. Spiced, slow cooked pork shoulder that is shredded and tossed in a hot pan for crispy edges and soft, savory centers. Arturo’s does it right and the taco carnitas was excellent. As was the barbacoa, natch, both are served in homemade corn tortillas and garnished simply with a sprinkle of raw onion and cilantro. Arturo’s quesadilla is simplicity and deliciousness defined. Just two of their fantastic corn tortillas filled with soft, white Mexican cheese (queso blanco? Chihuahua? Oaxaca?) and grilled until melty. The perfect late night pick-me-up, Arturo’s gave us the strength for a night cap across the street at the Green Eye Lounge. Dark and loud like a bar should be, the Green Eye Lounge on West Homer seemed a perfect final destination on this long first day of the fest. We sipped a few PBRs while check out the place and its clientele and noticed that from Sunday to Thursday Green Eye offers $5 bourbon and PBR boilermakers, an excellent deal if I do say so myself. Well fed, well beer’d, and all kinds of tired we made for home base to rest up for another long day of fun.
http://www.arturos-tacos.com/

Blast Off Into July with the Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club: July Drink of the Month!

2010-07-09T16:24:00.006-04:00

It’s a scorcher out there which means it’s time for a cool, refreshing summer drink which means it’s time for the Liver Punisher’s Drink of the Month Club: “Drink of the Month!”

July’s DotM takes me back to my childhood when I’d swill sugar beverages all day long. Before carbs, high fructose corn syrup, and mystery chemicals in food products were more than the remote concern of hippies. As I’ve said before we didn’t have much pop in the house as a lad, but what we did have was plenty of other sugar laden drinks. There were almost always several packs of Hi-C in the fridge, Ecto Cooler, if you please. And some sort of powdered drink mix in the panty.

From a youngerish age than most I was a fan of iced tea. In my current state I find a strong, dark, unsweetened black tea to be one of the more perfect thirst quenchers on the planet, but back then the sweeter the better I would say. Pre-sweetened, lemon flavored ice tea mix was a long time favorite, and then one day my mom brought home a canister of Tang from the grocery store. Mostly sweet with a slightly sour kick, a handful of vitamins, and it mixed up quick in water. I was hooked.

After bouncing back and forth between the two mixes for a while, it dawned on my one day: why not both at the same time. Surely it would work the lemony zing of the tea and faux citrus splash of the Tang? And guess what. It did.

In the spirit of the Black and Tan and the Arnold Palmer I give you the next great 50/50: the John Glenn!

The recipe is simple enough, just mix equal parts Tang and sweetened, lemon flavored ice tea mix together in a vessel of your choosing, stir in cold water until dissolved, and fill with a much ice a you can. The best part about this recipe is that it translates from I used to mix a scoop of each into my water bottle before little league games.

But wait, this is a Liver Punisher endeavor, surely there must be booze involved, yes? Duh.

First up is the Yuri Gagarin:
Add equal parts Tang and iced tea mix to a container. Use three quarters the water normally used to dilute the mixes and make up the rest with hearty Russian vodka, garnish with a twist of lemon and blast off, comrades!

For something a little more Americano try the Neil Armstrong:
Mix up a pitcher of John Glenns, half a gallon or so. Crack open your favorite lawnmower lager, something in a PBR might be nice, but anything in a 12oz. will do. Pour your brew into a pint glass and top with 3-4oz. of John Glenn for a space age twist on the michelada or summer shandy. Use some Yuri Gagarin if you’re really feeling adventurous.

And finally for those looking to really fire things up I offer the Buzz Aldrin:
Into a shaker, pitcher, or other mixing device pour enough 151 proof rum (151 vodka or citrus rum works in a pinch, but the operative word here is “buzz”) for you and your guests—you are making this for more than yourself I hope. Mix in ½ teaspoon of Tang and ½ tsp of iced tea mix per shot of liquor. Dose into shot glasses or serve over the rocks, but beware of black holes after take off!

Just be carful what you do with your Tang when you're not drinking it... http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,356491,00.html

Aoeshi Cafe: Cleveland Sushi At Its Finest

2010-07-08T14:55:00.003-04:00

Man-oh-Manischewitz did we have some amazing sushi this week!

Tuesday was my last day off this holiday weekend so I tried to make the most of it. I slept in a little, I had myself a workout at the gym, I watched some Battle Star Galactica. All in all a pretty solid day that was capped off with a trip to the pool to take some of the heat out of a hottt day.

But all this activity leaves a body hungry so we started thinking about food options. Burgers were out having just had $5 burger-and-beer specials at the Cedar Lee Pub. It seemed that something lighter and on the healthy side was called for. The idea of Aladdin’s was tossed around until Nicole suggested sushi. As much as I love—love—sushi, I rarely ever think of it as a meal option. Almost never when weighing dinning options will I suggest it, it’s an idea that must be brought to me.

Having decided that sushi was the plan of attack for the evening’s repast we were then stuck with the decision of which restaurant to visit. And with four in the immediate vicinity it was not an easy choice to make. We’d already had a good experience with Ariyoshi on Lee, and I’d had a nice lunch at Tree Country Bistro on Coventry so the quality of half our choices could be vouched for. Pacific East, also on Coventry, has won numerous awards from local papers and is usually pretty busy which suggests that it, too, has merit. But with all this in mind we somehow decided on the mystery fourth contestant: Aoeshi Café.

Located just a few doors down from the Cedar Lee Theater—as well as previously the reviewed Charles Stewart Parnell Pub and Cedar Lee Pub—I’ve walked past this quiet little café numerous times, but never really stopped to notice much more than a sign in one window that simply says “Japanese.” I’ve seen people coming and going from the restaurant, but I’ve never seen it overly crowded, hell, I didn’t even know what the place was called until we got there, it was just “the other sushi place on Lee.” But we’d made our decision to try some place new a ventured on.

When we got in the place there were only two other customers there, seated at the sushi bar (Aoeshi does not seem to serve alcohol) as well as the chef and our server. We seated ourselves and parsed the concise but delicious menu, marking our order on the provided Sushi-Score-Card. Our order looked something like this:
2 pieces yellow fin tuna nigiri
1 piece eel nigiri
1 spicy tuna roll
1 eel and avocado roll
1 flower roll
1 order edamame

The steamy hot edamame appetizer was the first to arrive, almost to hot to handle at first. After a few steamed fingers and a little—very little—patience we began devouring the salty soy beans, popping them from their pods. The only remnants looked like the last reel of an Invasion of the Pod-People-type movie. Already hungry to the maxxx this little snack only primed the pump for the real action.

Our main course arrived quickly, all arranged on a large plate that had been laid out in a simple but elegant manner. The first thing to go was the yellow fin. Light, sweet, a hint of melon like fruitiness, and just the right amount of fishiness. Perfect in just about every way, this was one of the single best pieces of sushi I’ve ever eaten. This piece of fish alone should serve as argument for the consumption of raw fish, that eating raw and cooked are two completely different, albeit equally delicious, dishes. Next I chomped down on a piece of the eel and avocado roll. The eel was perfectly cooked; well balanced between supple and firm, and perfectly seasoned with a sweet and salty, light barbeque-like sauce. The taste of the eel, which is as delicious as eels are creepy, slightly overwhelms the extra subtle avocado, but the lean saltiness of the fish is beautifully complimented by the fattiness of the alligator pear. Next was the flower roll. Comprised of tuna, salmon, and roe this was about as “sushi” as sushi gets. Having had some mixed-at-best experiences with roe (fish eggs, caviar) in the past I was a little nervous about it but as it turns out these were amazing. The lighter, sweeter taste of the tuna was perfectly balanced by the hearty, meatiness of the salmon in the roll, with a slightly crunch, mildly fishy bite from the roe. Nicole then offered me a piece of her spicy tuna roll which was, as she said, one of the weirdest, best STRs she’d ever had. It’s been a while since I’ve had another STR so I can’t pinpoint the difference, but Aoeshi’s was definitely a bit different. It was certainly one of the spiciest STRs I’ve had, with a chili heat that sneaks up on you in the aftertaste then lingers for just long enough.

On a cooking/travel show I was watching one time the host suggested that sushi be eaten the way it is served and that if it were meant to be dressed in anyway the chef would have already done it. I don’t agree 100% with this, but I do make sure to eat a little of everything plain before messing with condiments. So, having tasted a little of everything on the plate unadorned I made a second lap this time with a little soy and wasabi. The already soy seasoned eel/avocado didn’t need a second dunk in soy, but the nasal zing of the wasabi was definitely a welcome addition to this party. The flower roll, which was already excellent, was jazzed up a bit with the spicy green stuff and the soy? Well, what doesn’t benefit from a bit of salt, right? Eaten either way, though, everything we ate was delicious, with Nicole assuring me that her eel nigiri was, indeed, so good.

And then the check came and like woah! was the price right. We were both agreeably full of a lot of delicious, healthy food for less than thirty dollars with tip. It must be the small dining room and staff that lets Aoeshi keep costs down because even the "premium" rolls, like my flower roll, topped out at about $6. Great food and great prices, `nuff said.

But it’s just sushi, right? I mean some raw fish, a little seaweed, and some sticky, vinegary rice, but nothing amazing, right? Wrong. This meal was so good that since Tuesday night every time I get hungry all I can think about is eating that sushi again. I think that’s the mark of a truly great meal. Not just something that fills you up and provides some basic level of nourishment, but something that sticks with you and elicits some sort of response even a few days later. I’ve just finished my lunch, but writing this has set my mouth watering and my stomach quivering with antici…pation of the next visit to Aoeshi.

http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/16/777774/restaurant/Cleveland/Aoeshi-Cafe-Cleveland-Heights

Adventures With Myself and an Ice Cream Maker

2010-07-07T17:08:00.004-04:00

Prologue:

Last week good friends and fellow food lovers Katie and Norm invited us down to Katie’s house in Akron for a little dinner party. They told us they’d be making some sort of lasagna and would be providing wine. So, when we asked what we might bring, “dessert might be nice” was the response. Being one of the world’s biggest fans of dessert, both eating and making, I started wracking my brain for the perfect ending to this friendly meal.

My first thought was the usual baked good. Cookies, cakes, etc. are a fun, favorite of mine to make, but with the mercury edging ever northwards these days the thought of spending a couple hours in a hot kitchen with oven on sounded like about as much fun as dental surgery. Something cold was certainly called for in this matter, and then it struck me: my ice cream maker.

For my birthday a few years ago I received a 1 quart capacity Cuisinart ice cream maker. Any chance I get to make something in it I do, that is, as long as there’s freezer space for the drum. Once I’d decided on a frozen dessert I began to consider what flavor. A big, rich chocolaty mocha or a smooth, creamy vanilla might be nice. But then again on a warm summer’s night after a filling meal and a glass or two of wine a full flavored, full fat ice cream assault might be too much. I began to reconsider my options and decided that a sherbet or sorbet might be the right answer.

(Note: in America the terms “sherbet” and “sorbet” are used interchangeably to refer to a frozen dessert made of sweetened water flavored with fruit, juice or puree, for the rest of this post when I refer to “sorbet” I will be referring to the aforementioned concoction. When I refer to “sherbet” I will be speaking of a dessert with the aforementioned ingredients as well as a small amount of dairy fat.)

PART I:

While looking over the instruction book for the ice cream maker, I haven’t used it in a few months and needed a refresher; I also looked over some the recipes they included. I’d had good luck with their ice cream recipes in the past so I figured I couldn’t go too far wrong with much simpler sorbet recipe. Lime sounded cool and refreshing for a summer’s eve, but it needed a little kick. Having recently perused the cocktail section of a Latin American cook book I own I had mojitos on my mind, and it came to me: Mojito Sorbet! The cool, refreshing combination of mint and lime would surely be a welcome finish to a hearty meal. Using Cuisinart’s recipe as a jumping off point here’s what I did:

Ingredients:
1½ cups fresh squeezed lime juice (I needed 11 [eleven!!!])
2¼ cups water
2 cups sugar
Freshly grated lime zest
Chopped, fresh mint (my addition)
2-3 tablespoons cold white rum (my addition)

How-to:
In a medium sauce pan combine the sugar and water. Heat on high until syrup reaches a boil then reduce heat to a simmer and stir until syrup is clear and sugar is fully dissolved. Once dissolved, remove syrup from heat and allow to cool to room temperature before transferring to refrigerator, this can be done in the cooking vessel or syrup can be transferred to another vessel for refrigeration. Meanwhile juice enough limes to yield 1½ cups of juice, again this will take a number of limes, and zest two, this is easiest pre-juicing. After juicing strain the lime squeezings to remove any pulp or seeds and mix in zest. Transfer lime juice to refrigerator. Ideally the syrup and juice should be prepared the day before and allowed to chill in the fridge overnight, but this can all be done the morning of, just remember that all the ingredients should be as cold as possible before they go into the machine. After a few hours chill time add the ingredients to ice cream maker per the manufacturer’s instructions.

This was the standard recipe, now here are the changes I made, and what I learned from my mistakes:
I put off making assembling this until just a few hours before the dinner party, and while I was able to get everything together I didn’t allow myself enough time for the syrup and lime juice to properly chill in the fridge. This meant that even after a spin in the ice cream maker’s my sorbet was more slushy than icy. This wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I’d had more freezer time, but the two hours it got to chillax just wasn’t enough so unfortunately this frozen treat had to stay at home.

Now, as for my additions to the recipe, the rum and mint, there are good results and bad results. The Good: the rum, with a much lower freezing point, ensures that even after a few hours in the chill chest the sorbet is still scoopable, a half-hour warm-up in the fridge prior to service is still a good idea, but not 100% necessary; I add alcohol to all ice cream maker recipes during the last two minutes of processing for this reason. Also, the rum adds a nice little bite to the dessert and helps clear the palate of any residual aftertastes. The Bad: While adding mint to the recipe was an excellent and inspired move on my part, it wasn’t chopped nearly enough and when I added it to the machine it all floated to the top and stayed there. I think if the concoction had frozen better initially it would’ve incorporated better, but there are still large ribbons of mint in the sorbet which aren’t the best thing to try and eat. If I was to try this again, and I probably will, I would process the rum and mint in a food processor or blender for a few seconds to make a slurry with mint flecks. It would be even better to do this at least a week or so a head of time so the alcohol could have time to extract soluble oils from the mint and allowing the flavor to permeate the desert more thoroughly.

The end result of this experiment was a wonderfully limey dessert that’s sour then sweet then sour again. It’s cool, refreshing, and delicious on a hot summery night, plus it tastes great mixed into other things. Nicole scrapped a few spoonfuls direct from the freezer into a glass and topped it with chilled vodka and lemonade to make a delicious and refreshing summer cocktail. It would also fair well in a blender with a shot or two of tequila and a splash of triple sec to make a frozen margarita that’s all growsed up.

Part II:
Following this reasonably, though not wholly, successful attempt at making a sorbet I was tempted to try something again. With the Fourth of July holiday in just a few days and a family cook-out in tow I was asked by the fam to bring some dessert along for the festivities. With this in mind and the idea of turning refreshing summer time beverages into icy desserts in mind I started to think about what would be a delicious follow-up to the traditional holiday fare of burgers and dawgs on the grill. Lemonade is an always popular cook-out libation, but lemon something would be too similar to the lime sorbet that I’d just attempted. Then it dawned on me: iced tea! I love iced tea in the summer, especially sweet tea and that seemed like the perfect thing to pour into the ice cream machine. But this time I felt the end result should be at least a little creamy so I decided I’d add a little milk and make a sweet tea sherbet. Here’s what I did:

Ingredients:
3¼ cups water
¾ cup sugar
4 tea bags
1 cup whole milk
½ pinch baking soda (optional)
2-3 tablespoons chilled vodka (optional)

But What Do I Do With It??!?:
Into a medium sized pot add the water and tea bags. Heat on high until water boils then reduce heat and stir in sugar and baking soda (the saltiness of the baking soda helps curb some of the bitterness of the tea and will help set the deep brown tone of the tea, it’s not necessary but many sweet tea recipes call for it) and allow to simmer until sugar has dissolved and tea has reduced slightly. Once tea syrup is thoroughly combined remove the tea bags and allow to rest until mixture reaches room temperature. Once cooled, cover tea syrup and place in refrigerator until completely chilled—again, all ingredients should be as cold as possible, but still liquid, before put in the ice cream maker. Once completely chilled add ingredients to ice cream maker per manufacturer’s instructions, reserving the addition of the vodka until the last two minutes.

How It Turned Out:
In a word: awesome. In two words: totallyfracking awesome. The resulting product was richer and creamier than the lime sorbet, but not as big and full as ice cream. It had a nice, smooth mouth feel with just a hint of crystalline, icy crunch. And after analyzing the taste over and over, I feel like all the elements were perfectly balanced. The tea flavor was full and apparent without being overwhelming or terribly bitter; I had originally thought about adding a fifth tea bag to the mixture but my decision against was correct. Also, instead of using plain black tea I opted for Earl Grey, the light, citrusy tang of the Bergamot oil was the perfect sour component to a dish that was already slightly sweet and bitter. While deciding on what dairy to add I considered using half-n-half and heavy cream, but ultimately I feel that whole milk was the right choice, adding some rich-and-creaminess to the dish without making it overly fatty or terribly unhealthy (about 1oz./18 calories of whole milk per serving). With only ¾ cup of sugar in the whole quart the dessert isn’t overly sweet, either. It could be upped to a whole cup for a really sweet dessert or pared down to half a cup for between-course palate cleanser.

I’m pretty modest when it comes to the food that I make, but all things considered, this sherbet recipe was a pretty solid homerun, especially since I invented the recipe myself. Having looked over a number of other recipes and knowing the total capacity of the cream-machine, I realized that anything I wanted to make in it was simply a matter of creating one quart of a flavorful, freezable liquid.

Epilogue:

Shmepilogue.

Post Script:

After reading this you might be thinking, "Jon, I don't have an ice cream maker and I can't afford to go out and buy one, but I really want to make these and other recipes just like them. Please help!"

Well, fean not, my gadgetless friends for the Italian's have just the thing for you: Granitas! A granitas is essentailly a courser frozen treat that is slightly more akin to a sno-cone than a sorbet, it's name refers to the grainy texture of the ice crystals that are formed when it is made. To make a granita pour all your ingredients, throughly pre-mixed of course, into a 9x13 inch metal pan and place in the freezer. Every half-hour remove pan from freezer, stir liquid and scrape any ice crystals that have formed off the sides. Repeat this process until the liquid is frozen and the pan is full of flakey ice. Fluff your granita with a fork before serving and enjoy.

For more granita recipes and information visit these links:

http://www.mangiabenepasta.com/granita.html

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/coffee-granita-recipe/index.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Granita

Detective Liver Punisher and the Curious Case of the Patriot Shot

2010-06-25T15:35:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week, Monday to be precise, having wrapped up practice with the new band, Modestly Nautical, we decided that some post practice libations were in order. The closest watering hole to Joe’s house/practice spot is a fantastic little dive bar in South Euclid known as: The Razzle Dazzle!

This is the kind of place you’d expect to see your uncle who thinks Larry the Cable Guy is hilarious or that neighbor with the Iroc and the wraparound shades. It’s a working man’s bar and it is damn proud of it, too. It’s décor is simple, a few tables and chairs, bar stools, giant American flag, the usual, with a few slot machine-like skill games in the corner and a big screen TV that yearns for the return of football season. In a nutshell: this bar is perfect.

The drink selection is somewhat limited, mostly domestic beers—I think I saw Heineken’s in the cooler, but that’s less an import and more a waste of money—and the standard gin/tequila/rum/vodka/whiskey behind the bar along side some very old looking fairly dusty bottles of amaretto and other cordials that seem to be as much decoration as ingredient.

As we were ordering a round of Buds and Miller Lites our extremely friendly bartender mentioned there was a special shot available should we want and that a dollar from the price of each shot would be donated to the USO. The name of this drink-for-charity? The Patriot Shot, of course.

Two rounds in, we’d all switched to High Life at this point, our collective interests were piqued. I walked inside to buy my round of beers and a few Patriot Shots for the table. When this option had been first broached by the bartender we were trying to figure out what this “sweet, delicious, red-white-and-blue” shot might entail. My guess was a layered shot with grenadine, lemonade, and blue Curacao floating on top of each other. After ordering them I found that I wasn’t too far of the mark.

Here’s how it went down:
First the bartender filled a rocks glass a third to a half full with Smirnoff Ice. He then tipped the glass and carefully poured grenadine down the side of the glass which is thick and syrupy enough to lift the Smirnoff ice up a quarter of an inch. So that’s the red and the white, but how does the blue get in there? Well, the barkeep grabbed a cocktail shaker—I was a little surprised that the Raz Daz has one—scooped in some ice then poured in blue Curacao and vodka and gave the whole thing a good shake. This blue vodka mix was doled out into shot glasses and were set, not dropped a la Jaeger Bomb, into the rocks glass. The effect is somewhat like an inverted Bomb Pop with a blue vein running through out and peeking out the top.

And the taste:
Not bad considering the Smirnoff Ice or gross juice as I like to call it. It’s got the sugary candy blast from the grenadine and the orangey bite from the Curacao which balance out the chemically painful sweet-n-sour zing of the gross juice. The Patriot Shot goes down smooth and tastes too good to be alcoholic, but it is. It seems like there would be a better way to build this without sweet-n-sour malt liquor, but I’m not sure what. Coconut rum? Real, actual lemonade? Anything other than barfy-time hangover juice would be an improvement.

And now you know what to serve your friends and family this Fourth of July weekend, because nothing says America quite like booze and patriotism!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRCQypnVeXA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNtTEibFvlQ

Oh! Speaking of Smirnoff Ice, am I the last person to find out about this: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/business/media/09adco.html?scp=1&sq=bros%20icing%20bros&st=cse

Homemade Ginger Ale

2010-06-19T16:23:00.002-04:00

We never had a lot of pop, or “soda” as some people call it, in the house growing up. Some times for parties we’d have a few 2 liters, but really the only carbonated soft drink in regularly our house was ginger ale. There for the rare occasion that a mixed drink was being made or for upset stomachs, a six pack of Canada Dry was usually in the pantry or garage. I think it’s because of this that ginger ale has long been a favorite of mine. It’s crisp, refreshing bite is unlike any other pop on the market science or placebo a bottle always made me feel at least a little better when I was under the weather.

But it wasn’t something I ever really thought about too much—because who really sits around and contemplates their preferred soda for more than a few seconds—until recently. We spent a portion of this past winter warming body and soul with the hearty, refreshing blend of bourbon and ginger ale and now that the weather is nicening up a bit I’ve become enamored with the classic cocktail the Moscow Mule (http://whatweeatislaughable.blogspot.com/2010/06/liver-punisher-drink-of-month-club-1.html). While drinking all this ginger ale I started to remember an episode of Good Eats I’d seen a while back entitled “Ginger: Rise of the Rhizome” in which food genius Alton Brown discusses the unique qualities of the ginger root—not really a root, rather an underground portion of the stem from which roots grow—and its application to cuisine. On this episode one of the final recipes Brown shares is for homemade ginger ale. After looking it up (http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/ginger-ale-recipe/index.html) and remembering how simple it was I decided I would make my own rather than continue to drink mystery chemical water.

The recipe is simple enough and only requires a little time and patience. For this application you will need:

1½ ounces of freshly grated ginger
6 ounces of sugar
7½ ounces of filtered water
1/8 teaspoon of dry active yeast
2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice

After grating the ginger add it, the sugar, and ½ cup of the water to a small pot. Place the pot on medium-high heat until the sugar completely dissolves. Then remove from heat and let steep for an hour. After an hour pour syrup through a fine mesh strainer into a bowl and press ginger pulp to extract any remaining syrup. If the syrup is still above room temperature place the bowl in the fridge or an ice bath until the temperature is somewhere between 68 and 72 degrees (you don’t want to kill the yeast!). Once cooled pour the syrup, yeast, lemon juice and remaining water into a two-liter bottle, cap, and gently shake to combine the ingredients. Allow the mix to stand for about two days, opening occasionally, once or twice a day, to relieve pressure. Once the desired level of carbonation is achieved place bottle in the fridge, opening once a day to relieve pressure.

So, I put this together this past Tuesday and after two whole days(!) of waiting I finally poured a glass. The results? Excellent! The taste is much different than most commercially sold ginger ales. This yields a much lighter, crisper, true ginger taste with just a hint of acidity from the lemon—it’s kind of like the salt or vanilla in a recipe, it’s not overwhelmingly noticeable but it wouldn’t be the same without it. On its own the ginger ale is clean, refreshing, and delicious with no overly sugary tooth rot feel or gross diet chem after taste, just sparkly, ginger goodness. My only complaint, and it’s minor, is that it’s not strong enough. I think nest round I’m going to up the ginger level a bit, and maybe try lime juice in stead of lemon. The only reason this is an issue is because the ginger-ness of the ale gets lost when mixing it. I think it’ll be a solid base for a Moscow Mule or something subtle like that, but with whisky it’s just tingly mouth feel from the carbonation and a bit of ginger after taste, not bad, but I don’t want it to be drowned out completely.

This recipe was so easy and delicious there’s no reason not to give it a shot and make you own homemade ginger ale!

On Vodka

2010-06-17T15:09:00.002-04:00

Walk into your local liquor store, State Liquor Agency here in Ohio, and you’ll be greeted by row upon row of bottles in all manner of shape, size, and color. Each one contains a liquid that was, hopefully, crafted with love by their distillers and sold to the public not just as an intoxicant, but as a delicious, interesting, unique foodstuff (drink-stuff?). I know every time I go into one I’m slightly overcome by the possibilities that lie within. A huge ingredient list waiting to be mixed, shaken, or stirred together in almost endless combinations to create an entire universe of delicious cocktails and beverages; I often feel like the proverbial kid-in-the-candy-store.

But I must admit there is one aisle in the liquor store that I generally avoid: the vodka aisle. While I’ve yet to meet a drink I can’t stand, standing there looking at bottle after bottle of clear liquid I can’t help but feel bored knowing that what’s inside varies little from brand to brand. Sure there are flavored vodkas offering up nearly as many options as Jelly-Belly, but coarse chemical flavorings seem bland and gross, to say little of the fact that flavored vodkas can easily be made at home with real, natural ingredients.

No, I think the real problem is the lack of any sort of identity in the vodka industry. It has no home, no ingredients, some history but that’s about it. To better understand let’s look at some other spirits.

In the wild world of whiskey there are a variety of factors that contribute to its gorgeous color and rich complex favors. Bourbon, for example, must follow certain production standards in order to attain the name “bourbon.” There are ingredient parameters, at least 51% of the mash must be corn; ageing and containment guidelines, at least two years in new charred oak barrels; and although “bourbons” can be produced in any state that permits the distillation of sprits, purists will tell you that bourbon only really comes from Kentucky, anything else is American whiskey. There are distinct parameters the come in to play during the distillation process that ensures bourbon its ruddy-brown color and rich, velvety taste. Similarly the drier, spicier flavor or rye whiskey is due to the fact that it must be made from at least 51% rye malt. Over seas Scotland takes the production of its eponymous whiskey even more seriously, with a laundry list of rules and regulations that must be followed in order to actually be scotch whiskey. Ireland, too, has its own rules and regulations regarding the production of the crisper, more astringent Irish family of whiskeys.

Regionalism, production guides, and ingredients aren’t just important to whiskey. South of the border distillers have an even stricter set of guidelines to follow in order to produce tequila. For example real actual tequila, produced from blue agave plants can only be made in Jalisco and Guanajuato, liquors produced from agave outside of these regions is either mescal—the bottles with the worm—or sotol. Further, true tequilas are made from 100% blue agave as opposed to mixtos which must be at least 51% agave. To further protect the product they make Mexico has claimed the exclusive international right to the word "tequila", threatening legal actions against manufacturers in other countries.

But vodka, oh vodka, requires nothing more than a few ingredients to be made. At its most basic vodka is nothing more than water and ethanol. It can be distilled from any grain that can be converted to ethanol. And it can be made by anyone anywhere. All this means that vodka, despite being first denoted in Poland as long ago as 1405, has become a homeless transient in the liquor store to the point that there is a brand called Tito’s which is distilled in Texas. That’s right, everything’s bigger, remember the Alamo, Governor George W. Bush electing Texas manufactures a so-called “premium” vodka. So that’s the first complaint I’m lodging with vodka: no home and no set parts list. My second problem is that, as near as I can tell, the quality of vodka is based on its lack of taste, not presence. This is a somewhat ludicrous concept considering the $20-$30 dollars, minimum, you might drop on a decent bottle. For that kind of coin I want something that’ll dance on my palate, not just clean my mouth and burn my throat. I’d much rather plunk that down on some cozy brown liquor or a crisp clean bottle of gin (essentially spicy vodka, but, hey, at least it’s got some bite).

Now that I’ve aired my grievances with vodka let me say that I’m in no way trying to dissuade anyone from buying it, just to be more dollar conscious when it comes to this whitest of liquors. That said I’d also advise against the bargain brands that come in shatter proof plastic bottles and amounts to paint thinner. Is there a difference between a bottle that costs $8 a pop and something in the $20-25 range? Absolutely (pun only marginally intended). The more expensive bottles will taste cleaner and fresher and less like a hangover of headpocalypsian proportions as they’re likely using better ingredients and multi-stage filtering and distilling processes. Think of the difference between slurping up a palm full of pond water and tall cool glass of water a la Britta pitcher. But are you going to find any real discernable difference between what’s in the $20-30 bottles and what’s in the $30+ bottles? Not really, and if you do I’d love for you to judge a taste test between a Britta pitcher a Pur filter, tell me which nothing tastes more like nothing.

Soy Chorizo Two Ways!

2010-06-13T16:30:00.004-04:00

On a recent shopping expedition Nicole procured soy chorizo from Trader Joe’s. She texted me about this find and I could only respond with curious trepidation. It rested in the fridge tempting, no, daring us to try it. But how? What is the best way to cook and consume soy chorizo?

The first wave of inspiration came a few nights ago while Nicole had a house guest. I was in the process of firing up the grill for some brats and burgers, but that’s about all we had and the light fluid had just been lit, there was time to kill and bellies to fill. So into the frying went the chorizo along with some olive oil and minced onion. We allowed it to brown a bit and warm through while the onions took some color and flavor. Once it was sufficiently heated through we layered it onto tortilla chips with black beans and cheese before popping it all into the oven for a few to melt the cheese. Cheese now sufficiently melt-y we heaped some sour cream onto the pile and dug in. The result? Some of the best goddamned nachos I’ve ever set tooth to, and I’ve had my fair share of nachos. (Like the Jamaican jerk chicken nachos with pineapple salsa at ABC the Tavern!)

Half a chorizo down we were considering our options for the rest of the sausage-like soy food product when it dawned on us: breakfast! Of course this would make a great breakfast treat! So earlier this week we hatched a plan for a breakfast-for-dinner evening repast. Skipping to the chase: it was a rousing success. Now, here’s how we did it:

Nicole pre-sliced a few small potatoes on the wide slicer blade of her box grater. These potato chips were layered into a skillet with some olive oil. With each layer that went in we sprinkled on Mexican chili powder, salt and pepper, or crushed garlic. The bottom of the potato layer cake was allowed to sufficiently brown before we flipped it over and mixed in the other half of the soy chorizo. The rest of the potatoes were given time to brown and absorb some spicy chorizo goodness. When the potatoes and chorizo seemed to be almost-but-not-quite done we poured four well scrambled raw eggs over the whole deal and let that cook for a few minutes. Once the eggs seemed mostly set, save for the top, we popped the oven-safe skillet this was cooking in under the broiler. After a minute or so in the broiler a handful of cheese was tossed on top and back under it went. Cheese melted and browning just around the edges we pulled the rig from the broiler and sliced it up. Served with a dollop of sour cream, a few shakes of Valentina (Mexico’s hot sauce of choice) and a few dots of sriracha our soy chorizo/hash brown\frittata was not only done but capitol-A-awesome. Spicy, savory, and hearty as hell, this would be an excellent start, or end in our case, to the day. Oh, it’s great with a beer, too!

All I’m saying, I guess, is give soy chorizo a chance. And why not? It's fairly helathy, full of protein, spicy and well seasoned. It has great texture and is ready to go right out of the package. It can be heated along with whatever it's being served with or served chilled from the fridge. The only draw back to the soy chorizo is that it has to extricated from its non-edible casing. Not the end of the world, but it does mean no spicy soy chorizo on the grill.

Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club #1!

2010-06-10T16:47:00.004-04:00

In what I hope will be a regularly updated section, I offer the first ever Liver Punisher Drink of the Month Club “Drink of the Month!”

Ah, June, where spring becomes summer and the mercury rises steadily in the day but can drop precipitously in the evening. When the weather demands a drink that is as cool and refreshing as it is hearty and bracing. What (oh what?!??) beverage is there in existence that can cool the body in the sun drenched daytime and warm the soul by night? Why none other than…

The Moscow Mule!

The Moscow Mule is not just a cocktail whose simplicity belies its deliciousness and overwhelming refreshmentitude, but it’s also socially significant to boot! The Moscow variant of the Mule—otherwise known as “Bucks,” a Mule is a combination of citrus juice, liquor, and a ginger flavored beverage—was created in 1941 by the bartender at the Cock’n’Bull tavern in Los Angeles and is generally considered to be the drink that introduced America to Vodka.

As stated above the Moscow Mule is simple to engineer, but here’s a quick look at the ingredients and a how-to incase this is your fist attempt at tending bar:

Ingredients:
Ice
Vodka
Lime wedges
Ginger Ale

What to do with them:
Into your favorite rocks glass (I like the Andy Warhol doubles I got for my birthday) place a healthy amount of ice. To this ice add 1.5-2oz. of your preferred Vodka [Russian-made potato vodka would be traditional and appropriate as this is a Moscow Mule, but since vodka can be made anywhere by anyone with anything that shit in the plastic jug at Giant Eagle will work, too. I guess]. Now a healthy squeeze of fresh lime juice, I like at least 1/8th of a lime in mine but that’s me. And finally top off your glass with a robust and flavorful ginger ale* or beer; I’m a Vernor’s man myself, but Hansen’s makes a terribly tasty ginger brew that’ll knock your ass off, and the diet version is actually good, too!

Oh, and if you want to make this really traditional, mix it all up in a copper mule cup, the way the fancy lads and lasses used to.

So, there it is: your June drink of the month. A cool, sweet-n-sour cocktail that’ll wash the heat off you, but with a spicy/boozy kick to stoke the fires on a chilly late fall/early summer’s eve.

*Making my own soon, definite posts to come on that front!

Hot Damn, it's Hot Dogs!

2010-05-09T15:48:00.005-04:00

After what seemed like years of food haute couture, comfort food is making a strong resurgence. In the last five years or so a slew of notable restaurants have opened their doors to an adoring public clamoring for new takes on old favorites. The mighty hamburger has received a hardcore makeover at Chicago’s Kuma’s Corner. The humble grilled cheese has been boosted to legendary status by Cleveland’s Melt Bar and Grilled. And across the rest of the country macaroni and cheese, casseroles, and soups are all reclaiming their thrones in the pantheon of serious, delicious food. And now it looks as if the lowly hot dog is poised for a serious comeback.

Sure, the hot dog has long been standard fare at the ball park, camp outs, and lazy Sunday afternoon lunches, but recently there has been a hot dog renaissance throughout the Midwest. I think a lot of the credit for this re-popularization is due to Chicago’s Hot Doug’s who are renowned for filling their casings with a variety of wild game and exotic spices then topping them with everything from artisanal cheeses to homemade chili. Since its grand re-opening after a 2004 fire, the fervor and desire for gourmet dogs has spread with new establishments opening and established joints getting some much deserved love.
http://www.hotdougs.com/

What We Eat is Laughable is no stranger to the dog, both Justin and Nick have waxed poetic on the humble tube steak after visits to Columbus’ Dirty Franks and pilgrimages to Hot Doug’s and O’Betty’s in Athens, Ohio. I have, in the intervening months, had a wonderful Dirty Franks experience and there’s a Hot Doug-ing in my near future when we trek out to the Pitchfork festival this summer. I can not wait! But I’m here today to praise the burgeoning hot dog culture in the Cleveland area.
http://www.dirtyfrankshotdogs.com/
http://www.obettys.com/

I’ll begin with the humble Dog House on Coventry. A hot, tiny walk-in about a block from my apartment, the Dog House is a fantastic mom-n-pop dog shop serving things up simple and delicious. Most of the dogs offered at the Dog House are variations on the Coney and named for various Cleveland institutions. My favorite is the Tri-C, a mouthwatering combo of Chili, Cheese sauce, and Cheddar; get it? But if you’re in the mood for something different, the Dog House also offers Polish Boys, Cleveland’s signature encased meat dish. The Polish Boy starts with a Polish sausage (natch) and is loaded with coleslaw and fries, then topped with barbeque sauce. The Polish Boy is generally attributed to Seti’s, a lunch cart that can be found parked out side Dean Supply on Woodland Avenue, and is a favorite of Cleveland super-chef, Michael Symon. The Dog House also boasts one of the best Italian Beef sandwiches this side of Chicago, according to a Plain Dealer review of the establishment, but I’ve not tried it yet. As if that weren’t enough, the Dog House offers both regular and sweet potato fries along side their dogs, both of which are absolutely delicious, and fantastic hand dipped milk shakes. Though the Dog House can get a bit pricey, it’s definitely worth a stop when dining on the East Side.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-dog-house-cleveland
http://www.shopatdean.com/store/pc/home.asp
http://www.yelp.com/biz/setis-polish-boys-cleveland-2

The impetus for this column, however delicious the Dog House may be, is a new gem in Cleveland’s increasingly glittery Food Crown: the Happy Dog. Set up in quiet hole-in-the-wall bar on Cleveland’s west side, Head Chef Eric Williams (Momocho) has brought the Happy Dog back from the brink with the unbeatable combination of gourmet hot dogs and an amazing beer selection.

The Happy Dog shares a few things in common with some of the aforementioned doggeries, most notably a proliferation of amazing and unusual toppings, but where other establishments have pre-selected topping combos for you to choose from, the Happy Dog puts the power into the customers’ hands. The “menu” at the Happy Dog is a check list of the fifty (50!) topping options and sides. Customers choose between an all-beef frank, a veggie dog, or falafel and then check off as many of the condiments as they’d like at a flat rate of $5.00 per dog. And with such a laundry list of topping your dog options are nearly limitless, meaning each visit can be just as delicious but totally different from the last.

On my first visit I kept things (sorta) traditional, topping my dog with:
The chorizo chili was incredible, spicy but not overwhelming; it provided a hearty base for the tangy nacho cheese sauce on top. The caramelized onions brought some much needed sweetness to the party, balancing out the meatiness of the dog and chili, and the spice of the chili and cheese, as well as some texture to an otherwise soft palate dish. To keep this mountain of delicious company in my stomach I ordered a side of tater tots (quick aside: who would order fries when there are tater tots on the menu?) with a few sauces to dip them in.

I loved the chipotle hollandaise, it was creamy and spicy and unctuous and amazing, one of the best condiments I’ve ever tasted despite the fact that I think hollandaise is a little gross. I loved this so much I want to put it on everything from now on. The house made ketchup was disappointing in comparison, a slightly sweet, kind of sour tomato-y sauce that I kept expecting to get better, but it never really did. But the genius of the hollandaise and the hot dog more than made up for it.

The only problem I can foresee with the Happy Dog is: I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to build next time! Brie, bacon, and onions with black truffle honey mustard? Smoked Gouda and Mole? Fried egg, bacon, chipotle hollandaise, and cheddar? I’m not sure, but I can’t wait to eat my way through this menu!

OH! And if gourmet dogs and a beer list fit for a king weren’t enough, the Happy Dog is quickly becoming a regular and reliable spot to see up-and-coming punk, indie, and country bands!
http://www.happydogcleveland.com/

Self-Medicating with the Liver Punsiher

2010-05-05T17:54:00.005-04:00

I don’t know how it happened, but I managed to elude even the slightest of sickness all winter long. No sniffling, no sneezing, no nothing. And it was great! Until suddenly about a month ago I was struck down by a pretty obnoxious head cold. I laid low a for a few days, slugging down tea and vitamins at a pace that, were they booze, would’ve put Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas to shame. After a week or so of self imposed quarantine I reemerged into the world of the living, ready and raring to go. There’s nothing like a week of dragging your sorry ass between work and bed to really make you appreciate your health. But before long it struck again, and I retreated to my bed and Sudafed. A few days later I was feeling fiddle-like again and reemerged from my hovel of healing. I was, of course, struck again by this unstoppable killing machine of disease. It’s like Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees had tiny germ babies together and machete’d them into my sinuses. Long story short I’ve been mayor of miserable-town for the better part of a month. Boo-urns.

The silver lining to all of this is a chance to experiment with a variety of self-concocted health elixirs. Specifically the Hot Toddy. Once a drink I found the mere idea of repulsive, I’m now a believer in the taste and power of the Toddy and its healing potential. Well, maybe not healing, but it will make you think you feel a bit better.

Simply put a Toddy is a beverage consisting of a hot liquid and alcohol. In this case we’ll be dealing with some simple iterations of the drink, based on water and whiskey, but tea, cider, wine, and brandy are all acceptable ingredients.

RYE:

- Pour 1½ to 2 ounces of rye whiskey into 6 ounces of (very) hot water

Of the three variants I’ve been self-medicating with I found this to be the tastiest with no doctoring necessary. The drier, spicier taste of rye—whiskey made from at least 51% rye grain and aged in charred new oak barrels—is opened up by the hot water, making the rye sweeter and the spicier notes more apparent. It has an excellent bouquet and feels wonderful on a dry, scratchy throat.

BOURBON:

- Pour 1½ to 2 ounces of bourbon into 6 ounces of (very) hot water. Lemon to taste

As bourbon is the sweetest of the three whiskeys I tried and the hot water makes the sweetness of the liquor more pronounced, the bourbon Toddy is a little on the sweet side. I discovered that the sweetness could be countered by squeezing a lemon wedge into the drink. In addition to providing some much needed acidity to a sweet drink, the lemon adds a world of dimension to this otherwise simple concoction. It is not necessary, but certainly recommended.

SCOTCH:

- Pour 1½ to 2 ounces of scotch into 6 ounces of (very) hot water. Lemon and Honey to taste.

Since the Toddy is generally attributed to the Scotts, it only makes sense to cook one up with Scotland’s most famous export (sorry Mr. Connery and kilts!). With scotch’s distinct smokiness, the scotch toddy has a very distinct flavor. Again, the addition of hot water makes the whiskey sweeter, but in this case it also opens up the peaty, smokiness of the liquor which can make the overall concoction a tad bitter. At first I tried to counter point this with a drizzle of honey—a teaspoon at most—but found the results to be too sweet on their own, so in went the lemon and sure enough, it was a winner. A silky, smooth night cap, the scotch Toddy will put a smile on your face as it puts you out for the count.

Was one better than another? Each had their own strengths and weaknesses and are about even as far as taste and soothing effects go, but if I had to declare a winner it would be the rye by a nose. The fact that it required no doctoring does have something to do with it, but it . On the other hand, finding rye is somewhat of a task depending on where you live so the other two are perfectly good substitutes.

Yours in Sickness and Health,

Liver Punisher

Guest Blogger, Erik Pepple, laughs in the face of the Yumpocalypse

2010-04-25T22:10:00.000-04:00

My history of ingesting terrible things is a long and sordid one, punctuated by tales of heartburn, indigestion, and food-based shame that would likely require a far better therapist than my current insurance plan allows and will inevitably end with me in a gastronomical Thunderdome where Master Blaster is a Burger King Quad Stacker and Mad Max is my heart. Yet I have continued to do this in regular intervals throughout my life, mostly because I apparently don’t learn lessons and hate my body.

Since I hadn’t indulged in the absurd end of ingestion of late and have been maintaining what one would consider a reasonable diet, I figured it was time to get back on that delicious gravy-filled horse and see what the hell I have been missing. Turns out it is the Double Down from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

KFC, the chain chicken shack for which I’ve always had a soft spot, has moved on to repurposing and recycling a few of its core ingredients into a stack of something approximating a sandwich. Let’s just go to the source on this one, shall we? Per KFC’s website:

“The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!”

Apart from the unsettling promise/threat of “Colonel’s Sauce” and KFC’s insistence that the sandwich is “real” and not just some sort fever dream magic sandwich conjured up at the saliva-soaked end of a joint, the Double Down seems ideal for an evening of artery pummeling.

In the interests of journalistic integrity, I ordered both the Grilled and Original Recipe®, although a grilled option here seems antithetical to the purpose of a sandwich intentionally designed to be absurd. If you’re ordering the Double Down and are so seriously considering the health implications that you think ordering it grilled will make a difference, then you may need to recalibrate your logic machine—if you’re going to take this plunge, then go all the way and get the fried version. Commit to something for once, man! Otherwise it’s like deciding to cheat on your spouse, making the plans, booking the hotel, buying some weird outfit, and then telling the lucky cheatee that it’s probably best to just sit in the hotel and watch Spectra Vision and talk. What I’m getting at is that Original Recipe® is not just vastly superior to the grilled, but the only way to eat this fast food construction deemed the unhealthiest sandwich on the market by the stats gurus at FiveThirtyEight (http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/2010/04/double-down-by-numbers-unhealthiest.html).

Both sandwiches came wrapped in sticky wax paper, like the greasiest of fair food, which in this case is a reasonable presentation method. I started with the Original Recipe® and upon first glance it is somewhat jarring how inconsequential it seems. The promise of the advertisements make it seem like this is going to be the kind of thing that if it couldn’t choke a horse, would at least slowly lead it to the promised land on a skiff made of grease and bacon. As it stands it is a surprisingly manageable lump of faux-sandwich.

The first bite, like the first glimpse, was indeed jarring—it isn’t all that terrible. Sure the primary flavors are salt and the half-melted cheese slices and the crumbling, but reasonably juicy breaded chicken. All in all it tastes like any kind of mid-range appetizer at a chain restaurant. The next few bites are when it got sticky.

I’m not quite sure what is in the “Colonel’s Sauce”—the folks eating with me concluded it is some sort of unholy mixture of Thousand Island dressing and ketchup and/or mayo—but the watery orange substance that burst out of the center of the sandwich, like so much fruit goo from a piece of Bubblicious Burst, is a soggy, salty mess. At this point I decide to scrape out the orange-y center and replace it with gravy. Why? I guess because I am a dignified sort, like a classy butler or a guy who records books on tape about famous naval battles.

The gravy does improve the general flavor and nearing the last bite I’m left with not so much the feeling of shameful gluttony that generally comes with these things, but a shoulder shrug. It’s a battered and greased up “sandwich” that tastes like most fast food chicken concoctions.

Of course, this is before I got to the grilled version.

Thanks to Oprah’s relentless promotion and coupon giveaways, KFC’s line of grilled chicken products was met with the kind of ecstatic response usually reserved for the unveiling of Apple products or the second coming of Christ in a Camaro. The massive lines and uproar when KFC ran out of the grilled chicken was an unsettling glimpse into not just the power of Oprah and advertising, but a disturbing symptom of an economy in collapse.

The wax paper for the Double Down Grilled came soaked in the chicken juices and the Colonel’s secret spices, so soaked that when I picked up the sandwich the mess of brown simply oozed out of the wax paper and over my hands, plate, and beard. The grilled chicken works poorly as a bread substitute in comparison to the battered and fried version, simply because the batter hews much closer to a bread or bread-like substance. As for the flavor, well, it isn’t pretty. If the Original version simply tasted like a par-for-the-course chicken and cheese appetizer, this was decidedly rubbery and soggy with each bite becoming lost in a mess of gelatinous cheese slices and limp bacon. I couldn’t finish it and set it aside. As much as I enjoy the occasional lapse into ridiculous foodery, this was simply my limit for this kind of thing.

This brings me to a bigger point about “ridiculous eats.” The actual good ones are rare breeds indeed. Think of going to town on a pile of duck fat fries and antelope/buffalo sausage slathered in sheep’s milk cheese at Hot Doug’s or bulldozing through the Thurman Café’s Thurman Burger, a beautiful monstrosity of ham, beef, and a mountain of various toppings and that’s when one gets the idea of what a ridiculous plate of food can be at its best. In their own way they are gastronomical works of pop art—exaggerated and enlarged versions of familiar things that are made different or redefined, and in some cases made better by their very exaggeration or recasting—objets d’edibles. It also helps that they are foods created by actual craftspeople, folks who give a good goddamn about the whole enterprise and use the exercise of excess in the service of something more than shameless gluttony.

Created out of a need to repurpose, reuse, and recycle excess/overproduced ingredients the Double Down isn’t so much the mountain of ridiculousness that the ads would have one believe, but an object that exists as its own salty monument—to sodium, to fat, to the fact I paid six bucks for it, to a repurposing without purpose. It is a lot to place on a sandwich, but as each bite came closer to the bitter end, the simultaneous shame and joy (and there’s nothing I love more than simultaneous shame and joy) that can come with eating something so absurd dissipated into a mess of brown and a pile of goo in wax paper.

Verdict: The Original Recipe® is a decent enough piece of fast foodery. The Grilled? Not so much. Stick with something else on the KFC menu.

Sign of the Yumpocalypse #1

2010-04-05T15:19:00.000-04:00

http://consumerist.com/2010/04/kfcs-bacon-sandwich-on-fried-chicken-bread-kills-people-everywhere-on-april-12.html

Quick and Easy Homemade Black Bean Burgers

2010-03-25T16:23:00.003-04:00

Nicole and I were looking for a quick, easy, and generally healthy meal a few nights ago. We had missed our chance to hit up a restaurant and the grocery store across the street was closed so we were left with few options other than what was in the cupboard. While wracking our brains I suddenly remembered a super easy and totally delicious recipe for homemade black bean burgers that can more than likely be made with what’s in your pantry right now. After a quick double check of the recipe on the internet this is what we made:

Ingredients:
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
½ cup bread crumbs
½ onion
½ pepper
3 cloves of garlic
1 egg
Cayenne pepper or chili powder, to taste
Cumin, to taste
Hot sauce to taste

Directions:
Pre-heat oven to 375* or begin heating grill. Place onion, pepper, and garlic in a food processor, process until smooth, set aside. In a small mixing bowl combine egg, cayenne, cumin, and hot sauce, set aside. Pour beans into medium sized bowl and mash with a large fork until mostly uniformly creamy (a few whole beans or bean parts are fine). Mix in egg and spice mixture. Mix in onion/pepper/garlic mixture. Fold in bread crumbs a little at a time; until mixture become firm and workable by hand (you may not need the full ½ cup of crumbs). Divide mixture into 4 parts and shape into patties. Place on baking sheet and bake at 375* for 10 minutes per side, a properly heated grill should only take 3-5 minutes per side.

From here you have a slightly southwestern flavored blank canvass to work on, top it with guacamole, salsa, cheese, jalapenos, barbeque sauce, or anything else you desire. Or you could alter the base flavor of the burger by subbing out the hot sauce, cayenne, and cumin for other herbs and spices. With a little basil, oregano, a squeeze of tomato paste, and a sprinkle of parmesan you’ve got an Italian black bean burger that could be topped with a little marinara and sautéed mushrooms. The sky is literally the limit; anything you can do to a meat burger can be done to these. When we made these the other night we didn’t have the onion or pepper so we left them out and instead folded in some diced mushrooms both for taste and texture and dressed them with spinach, satium mustard, and horseradish. Or how about some sautéed onions and Swiss on rye for a black bean Patty Melt? Plus these are already completely vegetarian friendly, but could easily be made vegan by leaving out the egg completely or mixing in one egg’s worth of egg replacer (I stand by Enner-G in these matters).

These burgers were simple to make, delicious, filling, and require nothing strange or unusual. Oven time make take a few minutes but while they’re in there you’ll have more than enough time to wash up the few dishes this soils and crack open another beer or let that bottle of red start to breathe. Enjoy!

Reuntied And It Feels So Good!

2010-03-24T18:29:00.003-04:00

My old college roommate, Aaron, came back to Ohio for a visit this past weekend so naturally we had to celebrate by eating and drinking too much. Just like old times!

We met up Sunday night at the Cuyahoga County Airport where his younger brother, Tim, is a flight instructor. Tim was nice enough to take us, along with our friend Nick, up in a single prop, four seat plane for a sundown buzzing of the North Coast. We flew over Geauga County to look for my parents’ house and then out over the lake for a view of Cleveland few have seen. It was a beautiful evening and my first time in a plane so small, but the turbulence and stalls from the tiny air-machine were enough to unsettle even this roller coaster vet’s insides. All concurred on this point and it was decided that the only cure was beer and food. A short deliberation and the fact that even thought it was Sunday night there was still an hour wait at Melt (yeah, I told you it was that good) sent us to Lakewood’s Buckeye Beer Engine.

Affiliated with the Buckeye Brewing Company, the Beer Engine is a comfy little spot to grab any number of delicious beers, both from Buckeye and abroad, as well as chow on some seriously tasty bar food. And since Buckeye offers weekly and monthly specials every visit is new and exciting. For example March’s Ridiculously Huge Burger of the Month is the so-called O’Fatty Melt. Where the Beer Engine’s Fatty Melt nestles one of their ½ pound burgers between two grilled cheese sandwiches, the O’Fatty swaps out the grilled cheese for two (that’s right, 2) grilled Rubens! Seriously.

Anywhoozle, I’ve supped there a few times and have tried a couple of the Beer Engine’s delicious burgers, so I thought I’d go for something new this time. Well, a new burger at least. On this visit I opted for the Tuscan. Building on the ½ pound burger base the Tuscan is topped by herbed goat cheese, caramelized onions in balsamic reduction, roasted red peppers, and bacon (natch). Not being a fan of the texture of peppers I opted out of those, but it was fine since the rest of the burger was so flavorful. The ground meat blend the Beer Engine is extremely flavorful and benefits from not being cooked past medium. The bacon is, well, it’s bacon. And bacon is always good and beloved by all (even vegans) but unlike Cedar Lee Pub & Grill or Kuma’s Corner, BBE’s bacon is pretty standard; thick cut and flavorful for sure, but nothing amazing or out of the ordinary. The real stars of this show are the cheese and onions. The buttery, gamey zing of the goat cheese was the perfect foil to the sweet-n-sour onions ensuring that the Tuscan tagged three out of four taste buds with flavor graffiti that simply said “Awesome!” (4 of 5 if you’re the type to count “umami.”)

And at a place called the Beer Engine there was certainly beer being drunk, right? You bet there was! Round one I went up against Southern Tier’s Backburner 2010, the brewery’s latest entry in their annual Barley Wine run. With 10% ABV and a metric buttload of hops and malt, Backburner is a pretty serious brew, but certainly one of the most even keeled Barley Wines I’ve ever sampled. Most are so crammed with hops that they taste of grapefruits lost in pine forests (definitely a good thing), but this particular iteration falls more into the malty/caramel-y camp. In the second round I took on Buckeye’s own Beaucoup D’Houblon. A double IPA with saison tendencies, this ultra hoppy beer (115 IBUs) combines fruity esters and grassy/hay flavors to create a flavor profile similar to that of bubblegum! Not at all what I would expect a beer to taste like and I was certainly skeptical of the draught list that said as much, but there it was. Amazing hops burst, followed by grass and fruits, with an aftertaste that suggests a few hours old piece of original Bubble-Yum; delicious!
http://buckeyebeerengine.com/

Day two of this reunion was carried on at Fat Head’s Brewery and Saloon on Monday night, this time we were accompanied by Nick’s wife Melanie as well as Nicole. Fat Head’s is a Pennsylvania based brew pub that opened a branch in North Olmstead in the past few years. Fat Head’s boasts a roster of 10 beers brewed on rotation or based on season as well as offering dozens of other choice micro brews. March is, apparently, “Head Strong Month” at Fat Head, offering up “40+ extreme beers.” This means Fat Head’s guest beers, as well as a few of their own brews, are offering higher ABVs and IBUs, read as: beers not for the faint of heart. I started the evening off with a pour of Fat Head’s own Hop Juju Imperial IPA. Clocking in at 100 IBU and 9.3% this was a seriously delicious draught. Lots of citrusy hops and just the right hint of malt made this go down quicker and smoother than it should have. To chase it I moved over to the guest list for a Brooklyn Blast Imperial IPA (8.2% ABV). Another hopped up offering that drinks like the Brooklyn East India Pale Ale turned up to ten. It’s initially grapefruit city, then briefly detours into floral town, before swerving into a piney rest stop; like gin and grapefruit juice, only much, much better.

While most of the beers at Fat Head are big and flavorful, the “Fat” in the name comes from the food menu. There is nothing small or restrained about the menu, each appetizer, sandwich, and burger is bigger and meaner than the last. Having gorged on burger the night prior I skipped over that delicious and inimitable section in favor of the “Headwiches.” But with so many options I was completely stuck for what to get. My first thought was the “Bay of Pigs,” a mammoth take on the Cuban sandwich. Or maybe the “Head Banger,” a sandwich-ized take on the pub classic bangers and mash. Ultimately I picked the “South Side Slopes” for a variety of reasons—most of which were between the buns—but also because it was picked as one of the Best Sandwiches in the USA by that paragon of journalistic integrity: Maxim Magazine. I had to know if they were right or not. But before judgment is passed, let’s take a look inside. This monster starts with a huge grilled kielbasa, then topped by potato-cheddar pierogies, caramelized onions, cheese, and horsey sauce. Not to shabby, but does it all add up? At first, only sort of. Although I tried to get a little bit of everything into the first few bites I found the rest of the components to be totally over powered by the big and bold kielbasa. But after a few bites I finally got into it. The potato and pasta in the pierogies help mellow out the smokey bite of the sausage while the tangy cheddar and horseradish add some sharper notes to the big brassy tones of sausage and potato. And the caramelized onions once again add some much needed sweetness to the mix. Delicious to be sure, but I’m not sure if it ranks as one of the Best Sandwiches in the USA.”
http://www.fatheadscleveland.com/

Between these outings and the trip to Detroit I’m certainly no healthier than I was last Thursday, but I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, eating amazing food and drinking fantastic beers. Certainly time well spent!

I couldn’t find the original Maxim Best Sandwiches article, but another source (http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/04234/365002-46.stm) provided the rest of the top ten:
10. Steak & Cheese -- Mugsy's Sub Galley, Yankton, S.D.
9. Cuban Sandwich (of pork, ham, etc.) -- Latin American Cafeteria, Miami.
8. French Dip -- Phillippe the Original, Los Angeles.
7. Brisket Sandwich -- Kreuz Market, Lockhart, Texas.
6. Beef On Weck -- Schwabl's, West Seneca, N.Y.
5. The Southside Slopes Headwich -- Fat Head's.
4. The (half shrimp, half oyster) Peace Maker -- Acme Oyster House, New Orleans.
3. The Combo (of rib tips and pig snout) -- C & K Barbecue, St. Louis.
2. The Nuke (ham, beef, turkey and three cheeses) -- The Staggering Ox, Helena, Mont.
1. The Fat Darrell (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks with marinara and fries) -- R.U. Grill & Pizza, New Brunswick, N.J.

Driving to Dives and Diners

2010-03-21T13:18:00.002-04:00

The band scored an out-of-town gig this weekend, so Friday night we loaded up the car and made the trek up to Detroit for a show with our friends the Sons of Adray. The show was at a cozy little dive called the New Way Bar. The New Way was the perfect spot for our bands’ reunion: dark, hot, and smokey with Elvis and British heavy metal serving as the between band soundtrack and on of the coolest sound guys ever. The beer selection at the New Way is almost exclusively domestic bottles and cans and the liquor shelf was comprised mostly of whiskey. You could pay a few dollars more for a Heineken or a Corona, but then again you could also pay some one to punch you until you felt tipsy. Basically what I’m trying to say here is that the New Way is the quintessential dive bar with an uncharacteristically clean rest room. After playing and sweating and partying into the night and sleeping it off on chairs and couches and floors and the Adray’s drummer’s house we headed back to Ohio sometime around 12:30 or 1:00pm. Our mission for the drive home, besides a safe return, was sweet, sweet sustenance.
http://www.myspace.com/newwaybar
http://www.myspace.com/sonsofadray

We began our cruise down 75 South on the lookout for signs of food. Freeway-side signage only pointed the way towards Bob Evanses, Burger Kings, and Big Boys, but when you’re out of town why eat what you can eat at home. We needed something local and new. And that’s when I saw it: “Beef Jerky Unlimited, Exit 6.” That sign was all I needed to remind me of the last time we hit the D for a show. On our way back we stopped for breakfast at an amazing little diner somewhere between the Motor City and the Glass City, but all I could remember about it was that it was next door to the beef jerky store. So we pulled off 75 at Luna Pier and made our way to Gander’s Family Restaurant.

I have no idea how long Gander’s has been in Luna Pier, but the building and hand-painted sign suggest a long time. The inside, however was updated at some point; the late 80s would be my guess, but it’s a bright, friendly space with booths lining the walls of the small dining room, a few tables in the middle, and a counter that serves as the (gasp!) smoking area. We seated ourselves and ordered water and coffee. The coffee at Gander’s is exactly what a diner should serve: dark, rich coffee that tastes like coffee. No fancy roasts or blends just flavorful, rejuvenating coffee. And thankfully, too, as it seems like it’s harder and harder to find a good, simple cup anymore. Sure, there are a number of excellent local boutique shops in the area and chains like Starbucks offer a great brew, but sometimes a simpler cup is what the doctor orders. Anyways, I’m digressing. Gander’s menu is exactly what one would expect from such and establishment, burgers, hot sandwiches, chicken/steak/meatloaf in the entrees, and breakfast served all day.

I couldn’t remember for the life of me what I had last time, but I knew it was breakfast and it was good. I looked over the breakfast page a few times and ultimately arrived on the Southern Sausage Omelet. Filled with cheese and hash browns the Southern Sausage is an excellent foundation for the generous helping of sausage gravy ladled on top. Now, sausage gravy is something I’ve only recently warmed to, but if every restaurant made theirs as well as Gander’s I’d probably be ordering it on everything. Thick, rich, and creamy, the gravy was jammed full of bits of spicy breakfast sausage and the whole thing created a symphony of simplicity when tasted all together. The slight tang of the American cheese and spiciness of the sausage counter-pointed the creaminess of the gravy with the potatoes and perfectly cooked eggs serving as the melody to the more flavorful components’ harmonies. A breakfast at Gander’s comes with a side of hash browns so I go to sample them by themselves, also delicious; brown and crispy on the outside, firm but yielding on the inside. But does such deliciousness and opulence come with a hefty price tag? Not at Gander’s it doesn’t. My check for my food, Joe’s Western Omelet (their most popular item) and two coffees was just a few cents north of $16, not a bad price especially considering I didn’t feel the need to eat again until about 9:30 that night.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/ganders-family-restaurant-luna-pier http://www.cityoflunapier.com/LocalBusinesses/tabid/5463/Default.aspx

Gander’s is certainly light on flash and flare, but they more than make up for a lack of fanciness with excellent food, friendly service and a damn fine cup of coffee. This restaurant is absolutely worth the hour’s layover in Luna Pier, plus it gives you an excuse to visit the pier and Beef Jerky Unlimited which offers way more flavors of jerked animal flesh than I could ever imagine (gator or buffalo jerky, anyone?).
http://beefjerkyunlimited.com/site/index.php

Bowling Green Food Feast 2010!

2010-03-17T19:22:00.009-04:00

On what seems to have been the greatest whim ever, Nicole and Cousin Jay made the turnpike trek out to the city of our alma mater, Bowling Green, yesterday. Their mission was to retrieve the most delicious food items offered by the myriad of amazing eateries in that sleepy little college town. As it has been several year since I last visited BG, naturally I was hungry for some of my favorite collegiate munchies and began considering my order.

My first thought was of Mr. Spots, a small chain of regional sandwich shops specializing in one of the best Philly Cheese Steaks out side of Philadelphia. Unfortunately a greasy, cheese soaked sandwich doesn’t make the best travel companion so I had to nix that (side note, does anyone know of a good cheese steak in Cleveland? I’ve yet to find one). My next thought was a Campus Polleyes Super-Mug of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. A whole liter of delicious hoppy goodness and a huge mug that could double as weight training equipment. Alas, open container laws and flat, warm beer are two of my greatest pet peeves so this idea, too, went by the wayside. What’s a hungry alumnus to do?
http://www.misterspots.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqhbrW6oMZw

But thinking of Polleyes got me thinking more, and it dawned on me: Stuffed Fucking Breadsticks! Fellow alumni, friends of Falcons, and family should all know about the magic of Campus Polleyes’ stuffed breadsticks, but for those who missed out on the magical powers of Northwest Ohio’s “World Famous” (according to their menu) Stuffed Breadsticks let me let you in. The stuffed breadstick is pretty straight forward menu option; a sheet of bread dough is layered with cheese and the customer’s choice of pizza toppings. Chicken and roast beef are likely the two most popular, but almost anything that can go on a pizza can go in a bread stick. While the chicken and cheese was a long time favorite of mine, this go round I opted for the taco style. In this iteration, the breadstick is filled with Colby-Jack cheese and seasoned ground beef. After a stint in the oven, the breadsticks are served with optional garlic butter on top (delicious) and customer’s choice of pizza sauce, house made ranch, nacho cheese, or barbeque sauce. The ranch and the cheese are the most delicious so I chose those two to accompany my sticks.

And were they as good as I remember? You bet! The ground beef is still a little spicy and delicious and the tang of the Colby-Jack adds a nice little bite that mozzarella might not. The nacho cheese is, well, the nacho cheese sauce you’re likely to find at a gas station or ball park, but that doesn’t mean it’s not delicious, in fact it might be one of the best condiments ever despite it lacking any real food qualities. And the ranch dressing is still creamy, delicious, and appropriately understated, unlike the white sludge for sale in most supermarkets.
http://www.campuspollyeyes.com/

The second course of this nostalgia feast came from the one and only Myles’ Pizza Pub. An operational monument to extreme foods Myles’ loads and re-loads all their pizzas with double or triple the amount of toppings normally found on a pizza then tops their thick crusted beauties with handfuls of cheese. Not New York and not Chicago, Myles’ is a pizza unto itself and a must try for any/all pizza aficionado. Myles’ menu boasts a huge array of sides (tomato bread is a popular favorite), massive salads, and incredible pizzas. But the stars of the Myles’ line up are the “Lovers Pizzas.” To clarify, these pizzas are for lovers of their toppings and not aphrodisiacs, unless of course feeling bloated and overstuffed is your idea of sexy time. And with 9 in the line the Lovers Pizzas offer something for everyone. The Breakfast Lovers is topped with scrambled eggs and breakfast meats, the Mexico Lovers mixes seasoned ground beef and spicy sausage in tangy pizza salsa then tops off with all the usual taco fillers (lettuce, tomatoes, olives, etc.), the Wild-West Lovers is cram jammed with bacon, mushrooms, and ground buffalo (when available, otherwise it’s ground beef). But my favorite has always been the Spice Lovers. With a massive layer of spicy pepperoni, salami, and homemade Italian sausage sandwiched between Myles’ perfection-nearing sauce and mound of cheese, this pizza packs plenty of pleasing zing into every bite. Topped with a little crushed red pepper and this is pizza heaven. Should you leave Myles’ Pizza Pub anything short of filled to bursting, the Myles family also operates BG’s Dairy Queen and approaches the Blizzard and sundae making business in the same manner they make their pizzas: bigger, better, more. A small blizzard at Myles’ DQ is equivalent to the mediums at most other franchises, and has as much of your topping of choice mixed in as is structurally possible.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/myles-pizza-pub-and-sub-shop-bowling-green

Rounding out this hearty cast of characters is a lesser known, but my no means less delicious component of the Bowling Green food community: the hummus and pita chips from South Side 6. SS6 has been a part of the BG community for years and for most of that time they were simply a beverage store offering up a variety of beers and sodas on the southern edge of town. Around 2003 or so the owners of SS6, a family from the Middle East, added a food service counter to mix and started serving up gyros, falafel, and other fare from that region. Everything I sampled from there was pretty outstanding, especially the falafel pita roll and the fries with tangy garlic sauce, but the hidden jewels on the South Side 6 menu are the hummus and pita chips. The hummus seems simple enough, but there’s something extra special about it I’ve never been able to put my finger on. It makes almost anything that’s dipped into it mouthwateringly delicious, and my guess is that it has extra garlic and tahini in it. The pita chips SS6 offers by the bag full have something special about them, too, but their greatness is easier to pin down. First of all they’re fried crisp giving them a texture similar to a tortilla chip, but they’re also topped with a savory and slightly spicy herb and spice mix that certainly contains basil, oregano, garlic and onion powders, and sesame seeds. There’s got to more to it than than that, but anything subtler gets lost in the mélange of other spices and the hummus. South Side 6 pita and hummus makes a great snack or side, but it’s good enough that I’ve made meals out of it more than once.
http://www.southside6.com/

And how does one wash down a feast of such epic proportions? With no Super-Mugs or Mini-Pitchers available, we opted for the suds that so often filled the aforementioned chalices: Old Speckled Hen and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Old Speckled Hen’s balance of malt and hops is the perfect accompaniment to almost any hearty meal, and Sierra Nevada’s extreme hop bite is an excellent foil to the bold flavors in these food favorites.

This is but a small sampling of the delicious fare sustaining college students and townies alike in BG, but these are some of the most notable contributors to my freshman, sophomore, and junior fifteens. Eating them again I was transported back to a simpler time. While I can never return to those days again, I can always relive the memories with a few bites of food and a few sips of beer!

What's YOUR Favorite Breakfast Spot?

2010-03-11T12:02:00.002-05:00

A recent article from MSN's "Delish" blog features 57 of the nations best breakfast stops. While the list is certainly interesting and definitely mouth watering it does, of course, come a little short. I mean how could it not? There are innumerable restaurants serving up breakfast in every state so naming them all would be an exercise in futility.

http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/best-breakfast-restaurants

That said, I thought I'd open up the discussion to you, the readers! So what'll it be? What is your favorite breakfast joint and why? Send your pick(s) to whatweeatislaughable@gmail.com with the subject line "Best Breakfast!"

Here are a few responses already:

Erik P.:
The corned beef hash at the Best Breakfast and Sandwiches in Westerville, Ohio is a thing of beauty.

http://www.thebestrestaurant.info/

Jessica H.:
uh. they had me til bob evans and holiday inn express. even though bob evans DOES have good biscuits. and FUCK YEAH WAFFLE HOUSE.

http://www.wafflehouse.com/welcome/

Lindsey E.:
The Inn on Coventry. Yessir.

http://cleveland.citysearch.com/profile/7975292/cleveland_oh/inn_on_coventry.html

And me? Well, in Cleveland I'm with Lindsey and the Inn on Coventry, I also like Vine & Bean, and if I want to go chain I like First Watch. In Columbus it's a toss up between Tip-Top and the Blue Danube. And certainly one of the best places I've ever started the day while out of town is the Pancake Pantry in Nashville, TN.

http://www.thepancakepantry.com/

Let us know! We'll post a full write up of your picks in a few weeks!

Cheers!

Jon