Ridiculous Eats IX: Crimes Against Food

During the course of "R.E." thus far I've explored the heights to which people have taken their food obsessions. Absurd, and often absurdly large, concoctions. Heaping masses of food that tip scales and pounds and pounds, and shatter the boundaries of taste and decorum.

And it's been a blast, too! Who doesn't love massive hamburgers sandwiched between two pizzas? Smoked pork bombs wrapped in bacon? Burgers that cost more than our staff makes in a month?

But sometimes these combinations go a little too far. Today's "Ridiculous Eats" is dedicated to unholy flavor unions: The Burgers That Should Not Be!

Offender: The King

Scene of the Crime: Boston Burger Company

The Crime: If you can draw simple conclusions based on names you could fairly assume that the Boston Burger Company's King burger is named for one Elvis Aaron Presley, the King of Rock'n'Roll. One could further conclude that being named for Elvis, the King would incorporate that unholiest of fruits: the hated banana! All of this is, unfortunately, true. A food travesty for the ages, the King is assembled thustly: 8 ounces of Angus Beef is grilled and topped with bacon (hooray!), but the culinary crimes are committed when the bun is slathered with creamy peanut butter--delicious, but not my idea of burger topping--and garnished with slices of banana, rolled in Cinnamon sugar, and fried. Um, this may just be anti-`nana-ist in me, but no thank you. While I might be tempted to try a nibble of a P.B. burger, the bananas are a deal breaker. I realize that some strange combinations often yield delicious results (I'm looking at you Gin and Tonic) fried bananas and hamburgers are a no-go.

Offender: Hot Fudge Sundae Burger

Scene of the Crime: McGuire's Irish Pub, Pensacola, Florida

The Crime: Shit. I love hamburgers. I love ice cream. I also love the combinations of sweet and savory. Few treats are as perfect and simple as a peanut butter--buckeyes if you're in Ohio--or chocolate covered pretzels. But sometimes two great tastes just don't taste great together. The set up of this monstrosity is pretty simple, a 12 ounce Black Angus beef patty is topped with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge and a cherry, what no nuts or whipped cream? So not only are two great foods ruined by one another, but they've also totally half-assed the ice cream component. Food fail.

Let this be a lesson to us all, and remember, just because two foods are fantastic on their own (except bananas which are always terrible) doesn't meant they will blend together well.