But I'm Hungry Noooooow

So when I got the mail today and saw there was a menu for a new Chinese Delivery place I hadn't tried yet, I took it as a sign that I was meant to order in tonight. Other signs included my lazy lazy hands, and a fridge so hollow with nothingness it echoes. Yet, when I flipped through the mail a little more and saw IKEA was having some "holy shit" sale this weekend (memorialize our troops with savings!), I figured I'd save the 15 bucks and put it towards a Swedish something or other, since my new apartment is lacking in sit ware. In my desperation to own furniture that wasn't originally made for camping, I decided to ditch the Chinese food idea and opt for one of the few things kicking around in the freezer.

Trader Joe's Soy Corn Dogs - you can tell they're mine because my name's on them! These are not great, I don't recommend them unless as a vegetarian you miss corn dogs so much you can't stop yourself. I understand. As a fair food fanatic, I would still sneak the meat ones once every summer for a few years after becoming vegetarian. Some people can't give up steak, my hurdle was corn dogs. Having officially weened myself years ago, I've long been searching for a mock kind that can bring the taste and texture of the originals. After going through the 6 or 7 different veggie options I've seen, I'm gonna say it's not possible to match, but to be fair, I think it's just impossible to find any kind of freezer corn dog edible, this isn't just a soy issue. I think it's actually a physics* issue. The outside of a corn dog takes not long to heat because it's breading, the inside is frozen meat or tofu and there's more of it, so it takes much much longer. So while the inside is taking a million years to even thaw, the outside is getting either burnt or soggy (for the record I've had both, and I recommend burnt over soggy). So, yeah, this is the meal I went with in hopes of being able to curl up on a couch this time next week.

So the box is like, "microwave or heat in the oven, it'll suck in the microwave, but it will take 20 friggin minutes in the oven and you're hungry now." So I was like, "fuck you box, I'm going with the stove!" With no one to tell me to just calm down and make them like the box says, I threw caution to the wind and heated them on the stove in a pan! Like a boss!

So because the stove is a useless electric stove (and not for any reason involving my reckless decision making), my already meh meal got burnt to shit by way of smoking up my entire apartment. Oh well, burnt isn't inedible, right? Now they're Cajun!

See? There's still some good lookin' golden brown to gnaw off. Oh shit, what's that you say corn dog? Your middle is still cold and not at all cooked? Too bad, I already started eating you.

I figured a cold soy dog couldn't really harm me, so I nibbled away at it futilely in an effort to not make waste (and also to avoid more time cooking). That's about as much as I could get through in my hunger and desperation. As you can see, I tried to mask the chilled taste with ketchup and mustard, but it did little more than make me wish I was just eating straight condiments for dinner. Stupid stove.

*disclaimer: I've never once taken a physics class and I understand little to no science. Sometimes I can name different types of clouds or dinosaurs, but that's it.

The Lowest Common Denominator

I watch more TV now than I used to - not particularly proud of that. I'm a slightly-more-than-casual baseball fan, so I end up watching a lot of games. When I don't get up in between innings to refresh my beer (springtime means Columbus Brewing Company Apricot Ale) or, um, let it out, I end up watching commercials. Now I'm a fairly educated man, so I understand the point of advertising is essentially to fool you into wanting something, which is why I'm fascinated by the ads for Pizza Hut's Tuscani Pastas. Take this one, for instance:

If you're old enough to remember, it's essentially the same as "we replaced your regular coffee with Folgers crystals." Anybody with half a taste bud in their mouth knows that Folgers tastes like burnt horse turds compared to an artisan-roasted coffee, but if you need a caffeine fix, you'll take it. I haven't tried the Pizza Hut pasta, but I'd be willing to make two assumptions:

1) It's not good enough to be served in "America's finest restaurants," as Folgers would put it, and
2) It's probably not the worst Chicken Alfredo you'll ever taste in your life.

About 25% of people are what are called "supertasters," meaning they experience taste more intensely than average people - see the They Might Be Giants song "John Lee Supertaster" for more information. I've never been tested, but I like to think that I'm one of them for as much as I obsess about food. The basis for operating a successful restaurant is serving great food, but there's much more to it than just that. If only 25% of the population can really experience the true depth of a dish, that means 3 out of every 4 people who come to your restaurant think that a happy meal is as good as your aged porterhouse steak. So why do they spend the extra money?

Remember when I said that the point of advertising was to fool you into wanting something? We've been conditioned to believe that a steak tastes better than a processed hamburger, but only 25% of us will ever know for sure. We've also been conditioned to believe that a steak dinner is more elegant, more sophisticated, more romantic than the lowly burger. Where would you rather take a date: Ruth's Chris or Hardee's? Since 75% of people don't really enjoy food with their mouths, it's become a full-sensory experience, hence why that Pizza Hut pasta "tastes great" in a fancy NY bistro.

So what happens when you actually order it? I'll have to follow-up with an actual review, but I'm guessing it's not as good as it would be if you served it to me in a white tablecloth establishment. However, I'd put money on it being average, dare I say, re-orderable. Just because food comes from Pizza Hut doesn't mean they didn't have a chef prepare it at some point. And just because 75% of people don't taste food in all its glory doesn't mean they can't distinguish "yum" from "yuk." If they expect repeat business on a mass-market scale, it has to be pleasing to the lowest common denominator, which means it'll appeal to certain base responses from everyone. The Chicken Alfredo will be velvety-smooth, probably with a hint of savory smokiness from the meat, and a rich sauce (but not *too* rich). It'll be adequately salty due to the cheeses used to make Alfredo sauce, and spiced just enough to enjoy it without doctoring.

Doesn't sound bad, right? I haven't even tried it yet, but I instinctively know what it will taste like. There's a science to pleasing everyone that, shockingly, involves actual science as well as culinary skill.