Tuesday, May 19, 2009

But I'm Hungry Noooooow

So when I got the mail today and saw there was a menu for a new Chinese Delivery place I hadn't tried yet, I took it as a sign that I was meant to order in tonight. Other signs included my lazy lazy hands, and a fridge so hollow with nothingness it echoes. Yet, when I flipped through the mail a little more and saw IKEA was having some "holy shit" sale this weekend (memorialize our troops with savings!), I figured I'd save the 15 bucks and put it towards a Swedish something or other, since my new apartment is lacking in sit ware. In my desperation to own furniture that wasn't originally made for camping, I decided to ditch the Chinese food idea and opt for one of the few things kicking around in the freezer.

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Trader Joe's Soy Corn Dogs - you can tell they're mine because my name's on them! These are not great, I don't recommend them unless as a vegetarian you miss corn dogs so much you can't stop yourself. I understand. As a fair food fanatic, I would still sneak the meat ones once every summer for a few years after becoming vegetarian. Some people can't give up steak, my hurdle was corn dogs. Having officially weened myself years ago, I've long been searching for a mock kind that can bring the taste and texture of the originals. After going through the 6 or 7 different veggie options I've seen, I'm gonna say it's not possible to match, but to be fair, I think it's just impossible to find any kind of freezer corn dog edible, this isn't just a soy issue. I think it's actually a physics* issue. The outside of a corn dog takes not long to heat because it's breading, the inside is frozen meat or tofu and there's more of it, so it takes much much longer. So while the inside is taking a million years to even thaw, the outside is getting either burnt or soggy (for the record I've had both, and I recommend burnt over soggy). So, yeah, this is the meal I went with in hopes of being able to curl up on a couch this time next week.

So the box is like, "microwave or heat in the oven, it'll suck in the microwave, but it will take 20 friggin minutes in the oven and you're hungry now." So I was like, "fuck you box, I'm going with the stove!" With no one to tell me to just calm down and make them like the box says, I threw caution to the wind and heated them on the stove in a pan! Like a boss!

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So because the stove is a useless electric stove (and not for any reason involving my reckless decision making), my already meh meal got burnt to shit by way of smoking up my entire apartment. Oh well, burnt isn't inedible, right? Now they're Cajun!

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See? There's still some good lookin' golden brown to gnaw off. Oh shit, what's that you say corn dog? Your middle is still cold and not at all cooked? Too bad, I already started eating you.

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I figured a cold soy dog couldn't really harm me, so I nibbled away at it futilely in an effort to not make waste (and also to avoid more time cooking). That's about as much as I could get through in my hunger and desperation. As you can see, I tried to mask the chilled taste with ketchup and mustard, but it did little more than make me wish I was just eating straight condiments for dinner. Stupid stove.

disclaimer: I've never once taken a physics class and I understand little to no science. Sometimes I can name different types of clouds or dinosaurs, but that's it.


Blake said...

Hmmmm. The conundrum that is a corndog's existence, prefaced only by the larger conundrum, "how do you cook that which has both frozen meat and porous bread?"

As an avid stove-top jockey, I can say that a combo of Microwave and Pan would probably be a little safer, at least to get that "heat from inside out" into the soy dog. You could always shoot a little Pam into a pan and then brown up the outside.

Barring that, I'd say the oven is the best bet. But who wants to wait 5 mins for it to heat and another 10-12 to get it to evenly cook? Not your mouth! that's for sure!

I want corndogs now...I keep looking at the picture of the box.

jon said...

you and justin both are on a food burning kick.

jon said...

since there's no meat requiring strict adhearance to safety temperatures blake's right, par-cooking the food in the microwave then finishing them in the oven is probably the best bet. a toaster oven would be even better. cook them maybe three-quaters of the time in the micro (or full time at a lower power) then toss them in a pre-heated oven to crisp and brown the breading. i think the roundness of the dog precludes pan-cooking unless you want to constantly roll them for even heating.

a better idea would be to make your own! there's a blog post for you: homemade vegan corndogs!

shazam: http://www.theppk.com/recipes/dbrecipes/index.php?RecipeID=271

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