Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ridiculous Eats VIII: For Rich Snobs Only

Since I started these "Ridiculous Eats" posts back in the very beginning of W.W.E.I.L. I've noticed that a lot of these menu monsters are also tres pricey. Stands to reason, I suppose, that a lot of food costs a lot of money. And in these cases it's capitol-A lot.

So, today on "R.E." we'll examine the ridiculous and the ridiculously expensive. Let's dive in shall we?

The Burger: The Richard Nouveau
Where: The Wall Street Burger Shoppe, New York, New York
How Much: $175
Say What?: You're a plucky young broker, it's you're first day on the floor. You're buying low, selling high, and making flashy hand motions quicker than a deaf guy on speed. Finally the bell rings and you're done for the day. A quick look at closing numbers on the Dow and the NASDAQ reveal you've just cleaned up. You're excited, for sure, but how do you celebrate? Cocaine? Nah, it's the new Willennium and that shit is so 1980s. A few hookers? Not since Giuliani had them rounded up and killed with all the homeless people, the closest you're going to get to a hooker downtown these days is in a can of Alpo. What does that leave? Good old food and drink my yuppie chum (makes great bate for catching wasp fish!). And what better way to celebrate your new riches than a burger whose name says it all. The Wall Street Burger Shoppe's Richard Nouveau is a celebration in bun, if you're into that sort of thing, and is assembled thustly: first foie gras is simmered in truffle oil, then ten ounces of ground Kobe beef is seared in the renderings of the foie gras and truffle oil. The patty is then topped with Gruyere cheese and wild mushrooms before being garnished with shaved black truffles a served with a side of house made golden truffle mayonnaise, sprinkled with edible gold leaf. Oh. La. La. Better keep those figures up and those margins wide, bucko, because there is no way you're going back to Big Macs after this.


The Burger: Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger
Where: Mallie's Sports Grill, Southgate, Michigan
How Much?: $499
Say What?: The big game is coming. The guys are coming over. It's your house so you've got to provide the grub. But what? Wings, maybe? Nah, those little things are too messy and too much work. Besides, the last time you got wings for the game Fat Tony dropped his on the floor and you had to move the couch to cover the stain, Big Louie left a plate of bones out and the dog nearly choked to death, and Polish Mikey (who's actually Czech) bitches about the hot sauce. Nope, wings are for the birds. A six foot sub, perhaps? Sure, if you want everyone to complain about what's on it. Old Joe hates ham, Little Stevie hates roast beef, and Italian Mike is inexplicably allergic to salami. And those things are covered in lettuce and tomato, you want sandwich, goddammit!, not a salad. And don't forget bringing the thing home, a transportational nightmare if ever there was one. But it's a step in the right direction. Burgers are like sandwiches. Burgers might work, but you don't want to spend the entire game grilling. If only someone could cook for you. And maybe instead of a lot of little things, there could only one. Like the party sub, but burger style. That's it! A giant burger! And not just any old giant burger, a record breaking giant burger, like the one at Mallie's in Southgate, Michigan. Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger is a 185.6 pound burger and requires two people to lift it into the oven where it cooks for 14 hours (it should be noted at this point that ordering one of these macro-burgers requires at least 72 hours advance notice). The patty itself tips the scales at 120 pounds and is sandwiched between two custom buns that bulk out a 20 pounds each, the burger is then topped with about thirty pounds of lettuce, tomato, onions, cheese, bacon, pickles, and condiments. Pick up a few cases of cold ones and your game menu is set! And just in case you wondered how it compared in size to small children...


The Burger: The 777 Burger
Where: Le Burger Brasserie at the Paris Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada
How Much?: $777.00
Say What?: You're on the strip, shootin' dice, sharking cards, and rouling the ette. You're up and your hot. But all that winning and all those comp drinks are taking their toll. You need to refuel and fast before you cool off like William H. Macy in a meat locker. You could hit one of the myriad buffets that sprawl through the city, but that's for the regular rollers. How do you eat like the champ you are? Hop the nearest limo, already waiting for you, I'm sure, and tell Jeeves to take you to the Paris. Once there ask the guy in the penguin suit at the door to escort you to Le Burger Brasserie, slip him a fifty and maybe he'll even carry you! Once there ask for the 777 and get ready to dine like the gods, well if they had your money that is. The 777 is top shelf all the way. It all starts with a hearty Kobe beef patty that is topped with an entire Maine lobster tail. Not enough? OK, how about some caramelized onions, imported brie, and crispy prosciutto to go on top of that? And now that you're a high roller you can forget about ketchup because now your burgers come drizzled with balsamic vinegar, aged 100-years. Not too shabby, right? But the train doesn't stop there, the 777 also comes with a bottle of Rose Dom Perignon champagne. Granted, the bulk of the price tag comes from the bottle of bubbly, the burger checks out at about $65 on its own, but, shit, you're living the high-life now, you might as well be all in!


Say so long to Burger King. Farewell to Carl's Junior. Bye-bye to Big Boy. You're a rich snob, so eat like it, goddammit!

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