Thursday, May 28, 2009

Wendy, you're a whore and a tease.

While I wait for Nick to send me the pictures of my Memorial Day cookout (soon to be featured here as "4th of July Cookout" because, if nothing else, we believe in vérité), here's a quick hitter.

Pretty soon, you're going to be hearing all about the boneless wings at Wendy's. Man, I can already hear those ads with "Sweet Home Alabama" cranked in the background, because nothing screams secessionist Southern heritage like a piece of deep-fried mystery chicken. OK, so KFC already did that, big deal. It wouldn't be the only recycled thing Wendy's putting out there.

Their "boneless" "chicken" "wings," for instance.

For $3.99, you get 8 of these sad little fuckers, all dressed up in whatever sauce they had laying around the test kitchen on the fateful day that these disgraces were brought into their horrifying existence. Guess what? THEY'RE CHICKEN NUGGETS DROPPED IN SOME SAUCE. So if I can get 5 nuggets for $0.99, what does my extra $3 buy me? Best I can tell: 3 more nuggets, some sauce that tastes like I sweated it out after a chili cook-off, and a plastic box.

What is traditionally known as a "boneless" chicken wing is a deep-fried breast tenderloin, not to be confused with a chicken tender (which can be any part of the breast meat) or chicken finger (which can actually be cut from any part of the chicken). The tender or finger can actually even be ground or processed chicken, like what you'd find in a chicken nugget. The nugget, however, is not a tenderloin, which in turn means it also is not a "boneless" chicken wing.

So you can understand my outrage when I opened up a shitty box of chicken nuggets with a terribly bitter and mildly spicy (Wendy's marketers call that "bold") sauce. For half the price, I could have 10 nuggets and douse them in my choice of elegant hot sauces at home.

This last part is for you Wendy. You fucking bitch. You know how much I love chicken wings. You know that they're probably my favorite food. I trusted you and you blatantly betrayed that trust. How can I ever take you seriously again? You're a lying, manipulating, conniving whore, and I can't live like this anymore. Get out of my life.

3 comments:

jon said...

i was watching 'extreme fast food' on the travel channel last night. they had a hot wing on there that had a sixteen million scoville rating, oddly enough from a place in jersey called cluck u. you could probably put some of that on raw chick anus and never know the difference.

erin said...

I feel like you're going to eat at Wendy's again.

Eva said...

i hate how wendy talks in the commercials without moving her mouth.

 
template by suckmylolly.com