Oh Boy, O'Betty's!!!

No trip to Athens, Ohio is complete without a stop at one of the Midwest's finest hot doggeries: O'Betty's Red Hot. A dog joint dressed up like a old tyme house of ill repute, O'Betty's has been serving up daring but classy dogs since 2003. I have to confess, I've never been to O'Betty's while the sun was shining, or while their dining room was open. Being based in this venerable college town, students and other lovers of the nightlife simply line up on the sidewalk to place their orders on the establishment's stoop, and then wait for their name to be called with the promise of imminent, delectable tube steaks.

The night menu is a stripped-down version of the day menu, but there's apparently no difference in the quality of the dog. You can pretty much get whatever toppings suit your fancy, but the suggested combos are pretty spot on. The "Dixie" is a traditional coney dog: chili, cheese, onions, & mustard. The "Blaze" is a delicious combo of bacon and home-made creamy coleslaw. No matter the toppings, the star is the hot dog itself: listen to the natural casing snap perfectly as you bite into that 1/4 pound of all-beef delight.

I was feeling a little adventurous upon my last visit, so I strayed from my favorites (the aforementioned Dixie and Blaze) and scooped up these fantastic franks...


The "Mata Hari": spicy chili sauce and the previously mentioned house cole slaw. Much like the Dutch exotic dancer of the same name, this dog's sly seductive powers come primarily from its combination of hot & sweet.


The "Varla": not sure if this is named after the character in Faster Pussycat Kill Kill played by Tura Satana, or the character Varla Jean Merman played by Jeffrey Roberson in drag. I'm guessing the former, but the latter would make sense if you look at that picture and imagine a heap of sauerkraut on it (the way it is supposed to be served). Like, you can dress it up as much as you want, but there's still a wiener under there. Get it?

ANYWAY, that's bacon, 1000 island dressing and horseradish sauce. I had them leave the sauerkraut off because, well, I think it's disgusting. I wasn't sure how this flavor combination would work together, but it's fantastic. Horseradish is such a great complement to beef, and 1000 island dressing has been trusted to adorn sandwiches as various as the Reuben and the Big Mac. Bacon can not, nor will it ever, ruin anything to which it is added.

In addition to these great hot dogs, O'Betty's also serves some amazing fresh-cut french fries. Get them topped with fresh garlic if you aren't planning on making out with anyone. They're so good they'll make you forget what a loser you are.

Before you accuse me of having some weird hot dog fetish based on previous posts here, try these dogs. They are worth the raves.

Ridiculous Eats VIII: For Rich Snobs Only

Since I started these "Ridiculous Eats" posts back in the very beginning of W.W.E.I.L. I've noticed that a lot of these menu monsters are also tres pricey. Stands to reason, I suppose, that a lot of food costs a lot of money. And in these cases it's capitol-A lot.

So, today on "R.E." we'll examine the ridiculous and the ridiculously expensive. Let's dive in shall we?

The Burger: The Richard Nouveau
Where: The Wall Street Burger Shoppe, New York, New York
How Much: $175
Say What?: You're a plucky young broker, it's you're first day on the floor. You're buying low, selling high, and making flashy hand motions quicker than a deaf guy on speed. Finally the bell rings and you're done for the day. A quick look at closing numbers on the Dow and the NASDAQ reveal you've just cleaned up. You're excited, for sure, but how do you celebrate? Cocaine? Nah, it's the new Willennium and that shit is so 1980s. A few hookers? Not since Giuliani had them rounded up and killed with all the homeless people, the closest you're going to get to a hooker downtown these days is in a can of Alpo. What does that leave? Good old food and drink my yuppie chum (makes great bate for catching wasp fish!). And what better way to celebrate your new riches than a burger whose name says it all. The Wall Street Burger Shoppe's Richard Nouveau is a celebration in bun, if you're into that sort of thing, and is assembled thustly: first foie gras is simmered in truffle oil, then ten ounces of ground Kobe beef is seared in the renderings of the foie gras and truffle oil. The patty is then topped with Gruyere cheese and wild mushrooms before being garnished with shaved black truffles a served with a side of house made golden truffle mayonnaise, sprinkled with edible gold leaf. Oh. La. La. Better keep those figures up and those margins wide, bucko, because there is no way you're going back to Big Macs after this.

The Burger: Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger
Where: Mallie's Sports Grill, Southgate, Michigan
How Much?: $499
Say What?: The big game is coming. The guys are coming over. It's your house so you've got to provide the grub. But what? Wings, maybe? Nah, those little things are too messy and too much work. Besides, the last time you got wings for the game Fat Tony dropped his on the floor and you had to move the couch to cover the stain, Big Louie left a plate of bones out and the dog nearly choked to death, and Polish Mikey (who's actually Czech) bitches about the hot sauce. Nope, wings are for the birds. A six foot sub, perhaps? Sure, if you want everyone to complain about what's on it. Old Joe hates ham, Little Stevie hates roast beef, and Italian Mike is inexplicably allergic to salami. And those things are covered in lettuce and tomato, you want sandwich, goddammit!, not a salad. And don't forget bringing the thing home, a transportational nightmare if ever there was one. But it's a step in the right direction. Burgers are like sandwiches. Burgers might work, but you don't want to spend the entire game grilling. If only someone could cook for you. And maybe instead of a lot of little things, there could only one. Like the party sub, but burger style. That's it! A giant burger! And not just any old giant burger, a record breaking giant burger, like the one at Mallie's in Southgate, Michigan. Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger is a 185.6 pound burger and requires two people to lift it into the oven where it cooks for 14 hours (it should be noted at this point that ordering one of these macro-burgers requires at least 72 hours advance notice). The patty itself tips the scales at 120 pounds and is sandwiched between two custom buns that bulk out a 20 pounds each, the burger is then topped with about thirty pounds of lettuce, tomato, onions, cheese, bacon, pickles, and condiments. Pick up a few cases of cold ones and your game menu is set! And just in case you wondered how it compared in size to small children...

The Burger: The 777 Burger
Where: Le Burger Brasserie at the Paris Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada
How Much?: $777.00
Say What?: You're on the strip, shootin' dice, sharking cards, and rouling the ette. You're up and your hot. But all that winning and all those comp drinks are taking their toll. You need to refuel and fast before you cool off like William H. Macy in a meat locker. You could hit one of the myriad buffets that sprawl through the city, but that's for the regular rollers. How do you eat like the champ you are? Hop the nearest limo, already waiting for you, I'm sure, and tell Jeeves to take you to the Paris. Once there ask the guy in the penguin suit at the door to escort you to Le Burger Brasserie, slip him a fifty and maybe he'll even carry you! Once there ask for the 777 and get ready to dine like the gods, well if they had your money that is. The 777 is top shelf all the way. It all starts with a hearty Kobe beef patty that is topped with an entire Maine lobster tail. Not enough? OK, how about some caramelized onions, imported brie, and crispy prosciutto to go on top of that? And now that you're a high roller you can forget about ketchup because now your burgers come drizzled with balsamic vinegar, aged 100-years. Not too shabby, right? But the train doesn't stop there, the 777 also comes with a bottle of Rose Dom Perignon champagne. Granted, the bulk of the price tag comes from the bottle of bubbly, the burger checks out at about $65 on its own, but, shit, you're living the high-life now, you might as well be all in!

Say so long to Burger King. Farewell to Carl's Junior. Bye-bye to Big Boy. You're a rich snob, so eat like it, goddammit!

Chili School

Every fall, I find myself inundated with fresh vegetables, and invariably some of them go to waste because, seriously, what am I supposed to do with 15 zucchini, Mom? Enter chili, the harvest stew of the gods...

Chili is pretty much omnipresent come autumn, and for good reasons: it's simple to make, it's cheap, and it's delicious. Everybody has their own chili method and everybody will claim that theirs is the best, hence the invention of the chili cook-off. The big, dirty secret is that chili is a lot like pizza: it's pretty much always good, no matter what you do to it.

I don't want to get into all the rhetoric that goes along with chili. The Texas purists (dare I call them "puritans") will tell you that chili with beans is called "bean soup," not chili. To hell with that; try as you might, you're probably not going to fuck up your chili. All these rules were meant to be broken, but it is a good idea to have a solid grounding in what makes a good chili before you go overboard with your special recipe.

Anything that wishes to be called chili con carne will require these 3 things:



Meat. Carne. You can use pretty much anything you want. Beef (as pictured above) is probably the most popular, but plenty of great chilis have been made with pork, lamb, chicken, turkey or even game/roadkill meats like venison, rabbit, or squirrel. Generally, the cheaper the better: tougher cuts respond better to slow stewing than tender cuts. Also, don't be afraid to mix meats for interesting flavor combinations.

One big question is whether to use ground meat or small chunks. Either way is fine: it basically just becomes a texture question once you get to the finished product. I actually like to use both in the same stew.




Chili peppers. People can get really intimidated by this part, especially if they're afraid of hot peppers. You can use dried ground powder, but having big chunks of peppers in your chili is just a lot more visually and texturally appealing. And you don't have to use super hot peppers: the poblano (also called ancho when dried) is a great flavorful option that isn't too hot. Red and orange bell peppers can give you a nice sweetness and depth of flavor. Personally, I like really spicy chili, and I had just happened to come across some garden-fresh habanero, jalapeno, and cayenne peppers (seen above).




Secret hobo spices. You can really use just about anything to get a unique flavor out of your chili. Those puritans will tell you that a pre-made chili powder is cheating, but I find it to be a good starting point; you can always add flavors to suit your specific taste. Pretty much every pre-made chili powder is going to include dried ground chiles, cumin, oregano, garlic powder and salt. That's an acceptable base, but creativity is king when it comes to chili: don't be afraid to experiment. Chili is all about combinations of flavors, so play with sweets (sugar, fruits, chocolate), tarts (vinegar, hot sauce, beer), salts and savories.


So now I'm going to walk you through how to make a batch of traditional Texas red chili con carne. This recipe is probably different from anything you've been offered before, as it contains not only no beans, but also no tomatoes. It's amazingly simple and delicious. C'mon, let's go!




First, chop your meat into small chunks, about the size of a pecan. I'm using stew beef, usually cut from the shank, plate or brisket. These are tough cuts that generally aren't good for much else besides stewing. You'll want to use about 1 pound of meat for every quart of chili you want at the end.




Sear your beef until it turns slightly brown on the outside. The insides will still be raw, but don't worry: they'll cook through in the stewing process.




Add your ground beef and mix it well. I like to use ground beef because it's generally fattier and releases more beef flavor into the mix than chunks alone. Traditional chili recipes call for suet (raw beef fat), but I find this to be a better alternative.

Once you've got some fat in the bottom of the pot, add your peppers and saute them lightly, just enough to release their oils into the meat mix. I put an onion in here too, though it's considered to be a filler ingredient by those Texas chili snobs. I like onion. Fuck 'em.

Garlic time. Same deal as with the peppers, lightly saute to release its essence. I like a lot of garlic in my chili: I'll probably use 1.5-2 cloves per pound of meat.

Add spices. The biggest key here is to remember that the only way to "un-hot" chili is to dilute it, which will mess with your consistency and texture. You can start light and add more spices as you go. I'm making 3 quarts of chili, so I started with 4 teaspoons of chili powder, 1 teaspoon of salt, 1 teaspoon of cumin, 1 teaspoon of oregano, 1 teaspoon of cayenne, and a jigger of hot sauce. Remember, I like it spicy, so these measurements might be too much for you, lightweight...

You'll need to add some fluid to stew all these ingredients in. Water is commonly used and will do just fine. For this batch, I used a 12 oz. bottle of beer. I wouldn't use anything too fancy: really hoppy beers will just make your chili bitter. A good old American lawnmower lager like Budweiser is just fine.

Simmer that mixture for a while. The longer the better, but at least 2.5 hours or until the meat chunks are cooked through. Don't let the mix boil, or else your meat will get rubbery. Stir it and taste it occasionally. Add spices if necessary. I like to counterbalance the hot spice with sweetness. Brown sugar or molasses are nice. Agave syrup might rock your world.

Toward the end of the stew, you'll probably want to thicken the mixture up. Lots of ways to do this (including crushed tortilla chips), but the traditional way is to add masa (corn meal flour). This works the same way as making gravy: add masa a little bit at a time and let it simmer in. The flour particles will thicken as they heat. Don't add too much or else you'll have chili paste and you'll have to dilute it with water.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART:

Your chili is not ready to eat yet. Not even close. Take it off the stove, seal it up in tupperware and refrigerate it overnight. Don't touch it until dinner time tomorrow. All those flavors need to coalesce together. I don't know what the science behind this is - shit, it might just be voodoo magic - but it works. I've eaten chili right out of the cooking pot and again the next day after refrigeration, and it's always better the next day. Put it away. Don't be tempted.

Make your self some cornbread. Chili's perfect compliment. Sweet starch to partner with your spicy stew.

Time to eat! Texas chili isn't necessarily the most beautiful dish, but it's damned tasty.

Look at that spoonful: a chunk, some ground, a couple pepper pieces... YUM!

Time to make more...

Dirty Frank's Hits a Hot Dog Homer

Elizabeth Lessner owns some of Columbus's best-themed restaurants, like the Ohio-proud Tip-Top Kitchen and the estro-centric Surly Girl Saloon. So when Lessner announced last summer that she was going to open a hot dog restaurant in Columbus, it drew a lot of attention from the indie and foodie crowds.

The hot dog is not just for little kids and backyard cookouts anymore. The once humble tube steak has been given a makeover by restaurateurs worldwide and made into a sort of working man's haute cuisine. One of the most outspoken champions of the hot dog renaissance is Doug Sohn, owner of Hot Doug's in Chicago. Sohn's gourmet turn on hot dogs and sausages (today's most enticing special: Red Bell Pepper Wild Boar Sausage with Sun-Dried Tomato Mustard and Pistachio Pecorino for only $8) has grown to be so popular that customers can expect a 45-60 minute wait in line (around the corner and down the street, even in winter) .

Knowing Lessner's reputation, I expected great things from a hot dog restaurant with her spin. Of course, that was a year ago, before the problems began. The book on the opening of Dirty Frank's Hot Dog Palace, for most restauratuers, could be titled "How to Fail in the Food Business Before Serving Your First Plate." Code problems, city inspections, licenses, theft, you name it: Lessner had to deal with it. So many problems, in fact, that it took over a year for Dirty Frank's to finally open its doors.

But thanks to a devoted following, the anticipation for Dirty Frank's debut never waned, and on July 1st, 2009, Lessner threw open the doors to an appreciative (and hungry) throng of frankfurter fans. My lady and I stopped in on opening night to see if Dirty Frank's would live up to expectations. The first sign that things were going to work out? No open tables at 10pm...

First thing's first: I love the decor in here. It's almost as if it was designed to appeal to me, Justin R.L. Hemminger. The wall art consists almost entirely of crude paintings of obscure Reds and Indians baseball players (Chris Sabo & Julio Franco, for example) and '70's & '80's heavy rock bands (Thin Lizzy, G'n'R, Motley Crue, etc.). There's even a hand-painted version of Michael Jackson's Thriller album cover hanging over the bar (a late addition, I'd guess). The place just screams "hot dog stand" in the most personal, kitschy kind of way. All that said, the table setting is a great amalgam of hot dog stand and Lessner-class:




To our dismay, they were all sold out of draught beer by the time we sat down at our table, but we were able to catch one of Dirty Frank's specialties: boozy slushes. We both got the "Chris Sabo": cherry slush with orange vodka. Delish...




But we didn't come here to get drunk (we showed up drunk!); show us to the hot dogs please! Erin got a Dog From Hell (spicy giardiniera pepper mix & cream cheese) and a Chicago dog (fresh tomatoes, diced onions, sport peppers, pickle relish, dill pickle, yellow mustard, & a dash of celery salt - just like they do it in Chi-town). They use real Vienna Beef hot dogs here - no cheaping out:




As much as I love a Vienna Beef dog, I wanted to be a little more adventurous with my encased meat choices. I opted for the Ohioana jumbo beef dog (sweet corn, pickle and jalapeno relish with a dash of celery salt) and a Zippity Zam bratwurst (spicy sriracha cream cheese and roasted red peppers):




We also got an order of fresh cut fries (covered in cheese and bacon) and a side of mac 'n' cheese topped with three whole sport peppers. The fries were about as good as you'd expect, long and stringy, covered with ample cheddar and bacon bits. The mac by itself was creamy and perfect (Lessner has nailed this at her other restaurants) but the addition of the spicy sport peppers really added a depth that mac 'n' cheese often lacks.

DUDE, C'MON!!! TELL ME ABOUT THE DAMNED HOT DOGS!!!!!

Dirty Frank's really delivers. The Dog From Hell's pickled vegetables and cream cheese played off each other so well that it almost made you forget there was a delicious hot dog under there. A bite of all three at once was heaven in a poppy-seed bun.

I've eaten Chicago-style hot dogs from several of the Windy City's best regarded establishments (the aforementioned Hot Doug's, Portillo's, Superdawg, etc.) and the Dirty Frank's Chicago dog is every bit as good as any of them. They use all the right ingredients, including the neon green relish and sport peppers you can only get from Vienna. A Chicago dog is not for everyone (salad on a bun?), but if you're a fan, this will not disappoint.

I think I may have made a tactical error with my Zippity Zam: I replaced the regular hot dog with a beef brat, and I think that sausage's strong flavor overwhelmed the mild complexities of the roasted red pepper. Red peppers go great with almost anything, but their subtle decadence was muscled out by the brute force of the brat. I'll give it another shot with the regular hot dog next time.

The real highlight here was the Ohioana. Dirty Frank's corn relish is such a wonderful compliment to a great all-beef hot dog. It's sweet (corn), tart (pickle) and spicy (jalapeno) all at once and just perfectly accentuates the flavor of the hot dog beneath.

Not only did all of these dogs surpass all expectations, but the price is perfect: every hot dog on the menu is only $3, with the option to upgrade to a polish sausage, brat, jumbo dog, or even a veggie dog for a small additional charge. Some of these dogs are worth twice the price, but in this economy, who wants a high-falutin' fancy frank that'll dent your wallet?

Dirty Frank's got everything right, down to the last bite. Well, WELL worth the wait.

rival food sites

http://www.cookingwithcoupons.com/

I was just informed of this website by a friend and thought I would share it with the What We Eat Is Laughable team and readers. I read through it for a bit and I really like it. The concept is great, the food looks delicious, it looks nice, and it's easy to navigate. Thanks Nicole!

simple, tasty breakfast

Breakfast may or may not be the most important meal of the day, but it's certainly the tastiest! I love the cuisine of breakfast almost completely across the board and unlike lunch and dinner breakfast is good anytime of day (save, of course, for cold pizza).

However, I must constantly reconcile my love of a.m. eats with my severe hatred of getting up too much before 10 or 11. What's a boy to do?

Anyways, I thought I'd share one of my favorite, and simplest, breakfast treats today: the honey nut English muffin!

For this application you will need:

• 1 English muffin
• butter or margarine
• honey
• about 1/3 cup of raw nuts, coarsely chopped (I like a mix of pecan, almonds and walnuts)
  
• toaster oven
  
• small piece of foil

Directions:

• split your muffin and place it in the toaster
• chop nuts and place them in a small vessel made from folded foil (I like a square, play pen shaped device, but anything walled with an open top will do)
• start your toaster!
• after a few minutes toasting, about 2 on mine, but use your judgment based on knowledge of your own toaster, place the foil container of nuts in the toaster oven.
• when the nuts just begin to smell toasty and take color remove them.
• butter the English muffin, top with the toasted nuts, then drizzle honey over top

This is an amazing flavor combination, a little salty from the nuts and butter, sweetness and a touch of gaminess from the honey, and the texture of the toasty muffin and nuts is amazing. Plus it takes about four minutes to make with very little clean up!

If you don't have a toaster oven gently toast the nuts in a small skillet on your range over medium-low heat. Whatever heating implement you use keep an eye and nose on the nuts as they go from toasty and delicious to burnt-to-a-crisp in just a few moments due to their high oil content.

Enjoy!