Liver Punisher's WTF Dare Shots

Lots of bars, especially in college towns; spring break locales; and resorts, offer up specialty house shots. These are generally outlandish or extreme in some nature, often using “extreme” ingredients or including incongruous liquors. To whit the Mexican Revolution, a shot consisting of equal parts tequila and 151 proof rum topped with a generous spray of hot sauce. Or maybe you prefer the 3 Wise Men, a shots whose contents are hotly contested, but generally follow the guidelines of alcohols named after dudes with “J” names. Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and Johnny Walker are the most common components.

“Dare Shots” is how I generally refer to these concoctions and had I not tried a few of them over the years, usually on my birthday, I would chalk them up to the same urban mythology of zany sex acts like the Abraham Lincoln, Jelly Donut, Hot Carl, and the notorious Orange Ronald. That said, I’ve dabbled in the invention and execution of a few of these myself and thought that the day after my birthday would be just as good a time as any to share them with the world.

First up is the Tijuana Prostitute:

Ingredients:

- 1 shot tequila blanco

- Squeeze of lime

- Teaspoon of cottage cheese

- Several healthy shakes of hot sauce, habenero would be best

Make It So:

Squeeze the lime into the shot glass them pour in tequila. Top with cottage cheese and hot sauce. Shoot it and enjoy!

Second to the party is the Mexican Gentleman:

Ingredients:

- Cold gin

- Salsa

Make It So:

For each person partaking pour one shot of gin and a heaping spoonful of salsa into a shaker. Shake vigorously then strain into shot glasses. Shoot and enjoy! You may also add lime juice or hot sauce to the shaker to taste.

Good luck with these, I hope they make your night a little better sometime soon!

From the Liver Punisher WTF Files: Wienie-tini

Nicole’s roommate, Morgan, recently won a bottle of Bakon brand bacon flavored vodka. Let me reiterate the fact that this was won and thankfully not purchased. Once the seal was broken and the bottle open we all waited patiently for her to dole out some tastes. I was excited by the prospect of this bizarre draught, but was quickly disappointed.

The initial taste is of ultra-astringent cheap vodka, like the kind for sale a grocery stores and convenience marts in plastic gallon jugs. The cheap-stuff burn is bad enough, but it’s quickly replaced by an overwhelming smokiness which isn’t apparent in the “bouquet,” like chasing a shot of cheap vodka with a slug of liquid smoke. While neither of these is appealing, the actual worst part of the whole experience is the unaccountable-for fatty aftertaste. I don’t know how it’s done, but the after taste and mouth feel are similar to that of chomping on a nub of bacon fat.

And while this is most certainly a no-thank-you for me, it’s not the weirdest meat flavored vodka on the market, the Alaska Distillery has the corner on that market. But I was definitely curious so I visited the Bakon website for more info. After scrolling through some basic web business boiler plate I hit the mother load of what-the-fuckery: the recipe page.

My first though after tossing back a spot of this off-putting drank was bacon Bloody Mary, it’s their “flagship” cocktail, and something I’m sure tastes more than a bit like barbeque sauce juice. My favorite, and the most appealing by far, is the Waffle Shot, equal parts Pinnacle Whipped and Bakon. And the list goes on and on and on and never really sounds appealing, to whit the poorly named and awful sounding Scottish Bacon, equal parts Bakon and Scotch. Mmm… pass. But as off put as I was by this train wreck, I couldn’t stop thinking about how to work this into a silly little cocktail with a silly little name, and thus the Wienie-tini was born.

Ingredients:

- 2oz Bakon brand bacon flavored vodka

- 1oz grape vodka

- Dash hot chili sauce

Make It So:

- Pour vodkas into a shaker with ice and add hot sauce to taste

- Shake and strain into cocktail glass

- Garnish with a cooked and cooled cocktail wiener on a sword

- Enjoy?

My favorite aspect of this drink is my painfully clever name, so that should tell you something

about it.

The Return of the Revenge of Ridiculous Eats, Part 2: Eating Eggstravaganza!

Not long ago a fellow food fiend posted this how-to slide show for Grilled-Cheese-Eggie-in-a-Basket. Take a moment to follow the link and click through. It’s cool, I’ll wait.

Back? Drooling? Me too. Her posting of this was totez ironic, and by “ironic” I mean completely coincidental, as I had just recently posted my suggestion to dip, not toast, but grilled cheese into a sunny-side-up or over-easy egg yolk. My one had just been upped.

Graciously accepting my second-place trophy I headed for the store for supplies. A dozen eggs and pack of cheese later I was ready for action. (Of course I already had bread and butter, how else am I supposed to make praline cinnamon toast? Duh.)

Back to matters at hand. With all the fixins and hardware in place it dawned on me that cooking two whole slices of bread and their centers separately in my modestly sized frying pan wasn’t happening. So I improvised. If you have been graced with an outsized frying pan, by all means follow the Serious Eats method, if not I think I finally got the medium-pan-method down after five tries.

Ingredients:

- Butter

- Cooking Oil

- Two Slices Bread

- Two Slices Cheese

- Two Eggs

Make it Happen:

- Place your well oiled, modestly sized frying pan on oven and begin heating to the medium range
- Assemble sandwich in traditional grilled cheese fashion, but don’t butter yet.
- Using a pastry ring, cup, or some sweet, sweet eyeballin abilities excise the center of the sandwich.
- Butter top and bottom of both parts of the sandwich.
- Place all parts in pan and allow side one to fry at medium for about a minute-and-a-half to two.
- Increase heat to high and flip sandwich parts.
- After a minute crack two eggs into the hollowed out center of the grilled cheese.
- Continue to cook on this side until the bottom of the egg has completely cooked and is solid enough to flip without running or leaking.
- Flip sandwich and center again, still on high and cook for thirty seconds to a minute to ensure both sides are sealed.
- Check the center cut-out for doneness and remove from heat if necessary, then reduce heat back to medium and cook the outside for two to three minutes.
- Plate.
- Enfuckingjoy!

This method has worked great for me once, really well for me twice, just “OK” once, and too runny once when I was rushing, hence the extra minute or two at the end which is dependant more on your runny-whites preference level. I like them pretty firm, but even the longest cook time I gave this never solidified the yolks, which is key. Without a pastry ring or round cookie cutter I found that eyeballing it and cutting out a square center was easier and more effective than trying to cut around the mouth of a small drinking glass, and buttering after cutting ensures that the butter and bread don’t stick to the cutting board/plate/counter.

And in a best-of-both-worlds coincicurrance chopping out the middle leaves a mini grilled cheese behind for yolk-dipping satisfaction. Like Paul Giamatti would say: “Win. Win.”

The Return of the Revenge of Ridiculous Eats, Part 1: Give Me Lenten Pizza Specials, or Give Me Death!

Perusing Cleveland's Scene magazine has become a staple of my work-day lunch breaks. Cleveland's weekly alternative paper is one of the better free publications of most large cities I've been to. Competent writing, plenty of show listings, and hilarious ads. What more could one ask for? The comics back, for starters, but that's another article for another outlet.

Anywhozle, for the past few weeks I've been seeing adds for a pierogi pizza being served up by a Parma pizza palace called P. Jay's. Surprised? Maybe if it wasn't in Parma. Curious? You bet!

A very small amount of Google detective work led me to the P. Jay's Pizza website. A click or two later I arrived at this image:

Bam.

What more can say? What more could one ask for? I suppose my one question would be: Is there really extra butter added? In addition to the butter sauce? Seems a bit much, but then this wouldn't be a ridiculous eats entry if it wasn't, right?

I'm hoping to make it all the way out to Parma to give one a whirl soon. Further review when that occurs. In the mean time, sit back and revel in the knowledge that this is out there in the world, waiting to cram your arteries and gullet with buttery, pizza-y goodness!

Reuntied And It Feels So Good!

My old college roommate, Aaron, came back to Ohio for a visit this past weekend so naturally we had to celebrate by eating and drinking too much. Just like old times!

We met up Sunday night at the Cuyahoga County Airport where his younger brother, Tim, is a flight instructor. Tim was nice enough to take us, along with our friend Nick, up in a single prop, four seat plane for a sundown buzzing of the North Coast. We flew over Geauga County to look for my parents’ house and then out over the lake for a view of Cleveland few have seen. It was a beautiful evening and my first time in a plane so small, but the turbulence and stalls from the tiny air-machine were enough to unsettle even this roller coaster vet’s insides. All concurred on this point and it was decided that the only cure was beer and food. A short deliberation and the fact that even thought it was Sunday night there was still an hour wait at Melt (yeah, I told you it was that good) sent us to Lakewood’s Buckeye Beer Engine.

Affiliated with the Buckeye Brewing Company, the Beer Engine is a comfy little spot to grab any number of delicious beers, both from Buckeye and abroad, as well as chow on some seriously tasty bar food. And since Buckeye offers weekly and monthly specials every visit is new and exciting. For example March’s Ridiculously Huge Burger of the Month is the so-called O’Fatty Melt. Where the Beer Engine’s Fatty Melt nestles one of their ½ pound burgers between two grilled cheese sandwiches, the O’Fatty swaps out the grilled cheese for two (that’s right, 2) grilled Rubens! Seriously.

Anywhoozle, I’ve supped there a few times and have tried a couple of the Beer Engine’s delicious burgers, so I thought I’d go for something new this time. Well, a new burger at least. On this visit I opted for the Tuscan. Building on the ½ pound burger base the Tuscan is topped by herbed goat cheese, caramelized onions in balsamic reduction, roasted red peppers, and bacon (natch). Not being a fan of the texture of peppers I opted out of those, but it was fine since the rest of the burger was so flavorful. The ground meat blend the Beer Engine is extremely flavorful and benefits from not being cooked past medium. The bacon is, well, it’s bacon. And bacon is always good and beloved by all (even vegans) but unlike Cedar Lee Pub & Grill or Kuma’s Corner, BBE’s bacon is pretty standard; thick cut and flavorful for sure, but nothing amazing or out of the ordinary. The real stars of this show are the cheese and onions. The buttery, gamey zing of the goat cheese was the perfect foil to the sweet-n-sour onions ensuring that the Tuscan tagged three out of four taste buds with flavor graffiti that simply said “Awesome!” (4 of 5 if you’re the type to count “umami.”)

And at a place called the Beer Engine there was certainly beer being drunk, right? You bet there was! Round one I went up against Southern Tier’s Backburner 2010, the brewery’s latest entry in their annual Barley Wine run. With 10% ABV and a metric buttload of hops and malt, Backburner is a pretty serious brew, but certainly one of the most even keeled Barley Wines I’ve ever sampled. Most are so crammed with hops that they taste of grapefruits lost in pine forests (definitely a good thing), but this particular iteration falls more into the malty/caramel-y camp. In the second round I took on Buckeye’s own Beaucoup D’Houblon. A double IPA with saison tendencies, this ultra hoppy beer (115 IBUs) combines fruity esters and grassy/hay flavors to create a flavor profile similar to that of bubblegum! Not at all what I would expect a beer to taste like and I was certainly skeptical of the draught list that said as much, but there it was. Amazing hops burst, followed by grass and fruits, with an aftertaste that suggests a few hours old piece of original Bubble-Yum; delicious!
http://buckeyebeerengine.com/

Day two of this reunion was carried on at Fat Head’s Brewery and Saloon on Monday night, this time we were accompanied by Nick’s wife Melanie as well as Nicole. Fat Head’s is a Pennsylvania based brew pub that opened a branch in North Olmstead in the past few years. Fat Head’s boasts a roster of 10 beers brewed on rotation or based on season as well as offering dozens of other choice micro brews. March is, apparently, “Head Strong Month” at Fat Head, offering up “40+ extreme beers.” This means Fat Head’s guest beers, as well as a few of their own brews, are offering higher ABVs and IBUs, read as: beers not for the faint of heart. I started the evening off with a pour of Fat Head’s own Hop Juju Imperial IPA. Clocking in at 100 IBU and 9.3% this was a seriously delicious draught. Lots of citrusy hops and just the right hint of malt made this go down quicker and smoother than it should have. To chase it I moved over to the guest list for a Brooklyn Blast Imperial IPA (8.2% ABV). Another hopped up offering that drinks like the Brooklyn East India Pale Ale turned up to ten. It’s initially grapefruit city, then briefly detours into floral town, before swerving into a piney rest stop; like gin and grapefruit juice, only much, much better.

While most of the beers at Fat Head are big and flavorful, the “Fat” in the name comes from the food menu. There is nothing small or restrained about the menu, each appetizer, sandwich, and burger is bigger and meaner than the last. Having gorged on burger the night prior I skipped over that delicious and inimitable section in favor of the “Headwiches.” But with so many options I was completely stuck for what to get. My first thought was the “Bay of Pigs,” a mammoth take on the Cuban sandwich. Or maybe the “Head Banger,” a sandwich-ized take on the pub classic bangers and mash. Ultimately I picked the “South Side Slopes” for a variety of reasons—most of which were between the buns—but also because it was picked as one of the Best Sandwiches in the USA by that paragon of journalistic integrity: Maxim Magazine. I had to know if they were right or not. But before judgment is passed, let’s take a look inside. This monster starts with a huge grilled kielbasa, then topped by potato-cheddar pierogies, caramelized onions, cheese, and horsey sauce. Not to shabby, but does it all add up? At first, only sort of. Although I tried to get a little bit of everything into the first few bites I found the rest of the components to be totally over powered by the big and bold kielbasa. But after a few bites I finally got into it. The potato and pasta in the pierogies help mellow out the smokey bite of the sausage while the tangy cheddar and horseradish add some sharper notes to the big brassy tones of sausage and potato. And the caramelized onions once again add some much needed sweetness to the mix. Delicious to be sure, but I’m not sure if it ranks as one of the Best Sandwiches in the USA.”
http://www.fatheadscleveland.com/

Between these outings and the trip to Detroit I’m certainly no healthier than I was last Thursday, but I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, eating amazing food and drinking fantastic beers. Certainly time well spent!

I couldn’t find the original Maxim Best Sandwiches article, but another source (http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/04234/365002-46.stm) provided the rest of the top ten:
10. Steak & Cheese -- Mugsy's Sub Galley, Yankton, S.D.
9. Cuban Sandwich (of pork, ham, etc.) -- Latin American Cafeteria, Miami.
8. French Dip -- Phillippe the Original, Los Angeles.
7. Brisket Sandwich -- Kreuz Market, Lockhart, Texas.
6. Beef On Weck -- Schwabl's, West Seneca, N.Y.
5. The Southside Slopes Headwich -- Fat Head's.
4. The (half shrimp, half oyster) Peace Maker -- Acme Oyster House, New Orleans.
3. The Combo (of rib tips and pig snout) -- C & K Barbecue, St. Louis.
2. The Nuke (ham, beef, turkey and three cheeses) -- The Staggering Ox, Helena, Mont.
1. The Fat Darrell (chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks with marinara and fries) -- R.U. Grill & Pizza, New Brunswick, N.J.

Bowling Green Food Feast 2010!

On what seems to have been the greatest whim ever, Nicole and Cousin Jay made the turnpike trek out to the city of our alma mater, Bowling Green, yesterday. Their mission was to retrieve the most delicious food items offered by the myriad of amazing eateries in that sleepy little college town. As it has been several year since I last visited BG, naturally I was hungry for some of my favorite collegiate munchies and began considering my order.

My first thought was of Mr. Spots, a small chain of regional sandwich shops specializing in one of the best Philly Cheese Steaks out side of Philadelphia. Unfortunately a greasy, cheese soaked sandwich doesn’t make the best travel companion so I had to nix that (side note, does anyone know of a good cheese steak in Cleveland? I’ve yet to find one). My next thought was a Campus Polleyes Super-Mug of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. A whole liter of delicious hoppy goodness and a huge mug that could double as weight training equipment. Alas, open container laws and flat, warm beer are two of my greatest pet peeves so this idea, too, went by the wayside. What’s a hungry alumnus to do?
http://www.misterspots.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqhbrW6oMZw

But thinking of Polleyes got me thinking more, and it dawned on me: Stuffed Fucking Breadsticks! Fellow alumni, friends of Falcons, and family should all know about the magic of Campus Polleyes’ stuffed breadsticks, but for those who missed out on the magical powers of Northwest Ohio’s “World Famous” (according to their menu) Stuffed Breadsticks let me let you in. The stuffed breadstick is pretty straight forward menu option; a sheet of bread dough is layered with cheese and the customer’s choice of pizza toppings. Chicken and roast beef are likely the two most popular, but almost anything that can go on a pizza can go in a bread stick. While the chicken and cheese was a long time favorite of mine, this go round I opted for the taco style. In this iteration, the breadstick is filled with Colby-Jack cheese and seasoned ground beef. After a stint in the oven, the breadsticks are served with optional garlic butter on top (delicious) and customer’s choice of pizza sauce, house made ranch, nacho cheese, or barbeque sauce. The ranch and the cheese are the most delicious so I chose those two to accompany my sticks.

And were they as good as I remember? You bet! The ground beef is still a little spicy and delicious and the tang of the Colby-Jack adds a nice little bite that mozzarella might not. The nacho cheese is, well, the nacho cheese sauce you’re likely to find at a gas station or ball park, but that doesn’t mean it’s not delicious, in fact it might be one of the best condiments ever despite it lacking any real food qualities. And the ranch dressing is still creamy, delicious, and appropriately understated, unlike the white sludge for sale in most supermarkets.
http://www.campuspollyeyes.com/

The second course of this nostalgia feast came from the one and only Myles’ Pizza Pub. An operational monument to extreme foods Myles’ loads and re-loads all their pizzas with double or triple the amount of toppings normally found on a pizza then tops their thick crusted beauties with handfuls of cheese. Not New York and not Chicago, Myles’ is a pizza unto itself and a must try for any/all pizza aficionado. Myles’ menu boasts a huge array of sides (tomato bread is a popular favorite), massive salads, and incredible pizzas. But the stars of the Myles’ line up are the “Lovers Pizzas.” To clarify, these pizzas are for lovers of their toppings and not aphrodisiacs, unless of course feeling bloated and overstuffed is your idea of sexy time. And with 9 in the line the Lovers Pizzas offer something for everyone. The Breakfast Lovers is topped with scrambled eggs and breakfast meats, the Mexico Lovers mixes seasoned ground beef and spicy sausage in tangy pizza salsa then tops off with all the usual taco fillers (lettuce, tomatoes, olives, etc.), the Wild-West Lovers is cram jammed with bacon, mushrooms, and ground buffalo (when available, otherwise it’s ground beef). But my favorite has always been the Spice Lovers. With a massive layer of spicy pepperoni, salami, and homemade Italian sausage sandwiched between Myles’ perfection-nearing sauce and mound of cheese, this pizza packs plenty of pleasing zing into every bite. Topped with a little crushed red pepper and this is pizza heaven. Should you leave Myles’ Pizza Pub anything short of filled to bursting, the Myles family also operates BG’s Dairy Queen and approaches the Blizzard and sundae making business in the same manner they make their pizzas: bigger, better, more. A small blizzard at Myles’ DQ is equivalent to the mediums at most other franchises, and has as much of your topping of choice mixed in as is structurally possible.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/myles-pizza-pub-and-sub-shop-bowling-green

Rounding out this hearty cast of characters is a lesser known, but my no means less delicious component of the Bowling Green food community: the hummus and pita chips from South Side 6. SS6 has been a part of the BG community for years and for most of that time they were simply a beverage store offering up a variety of beers and sodas on the southern edge of town. Around 2003 or so the owners of SS6, a family from the Middle East, added a food service counter to mix and started serving up gyros, falafel, and other fare from that region. Everything I sampled from there was pretty outstanding, especially the falafel pita roll and the fries with tangy garlic sauce, but the hidden jewels on the South Side 6 menu are the hummus and pita chips. The hummus seems simple enough, but there’s something extra special about it I’ve never been able to put my finger on. It makes almost anything that’s dipped into it mouthwateringly delicious, and my guess is that it has extra garlic and tahini in it. The pita chips SS6 offers by the bag full have something special about them, too, but their greatness is easier to pin down. First of all they’re fried crisp giving them a texture similar to a tortilla chip, but they’re also topped with a savory and slightly spicy herb and spice mix that certainly contains basil, oregano, garlic and onion powders, and sesame seeds. There’s got to more to it than than that, but anything subtler gets lost in the mélange of other spices and the hummus. South Side 6 pita and hummus makes a great snack or side, but it’s good enough that I’ve made meals out of it more than once.
http://www.southside6.com/

And how does one wash down a feast of such epic proportions? With no Super-Mugs or Mini-Pitchers available, we opted for the suds that so often filled the aforementioned chalices: Old Speckled Hen and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Old Speckled Hen’s balance of malt and hops is the perfect accompaniment to almost any hearty meal, and Sierra Nevada’s extreme hop bite is an excellent foil to the bold flavors in these food favorites.

This is but a small sampling of the delicious fare sustaining college students and townies alike in BG, but these are some of the most notable contributors to my freshman, sophomore, and junior fifteens. Eating them again I was transported back to a simpler time. While I can never return to those days again, I can always relive the memories with a few bites of food and a few sips of beer!

Ridiculous Eats XIII: This Is Why I'M Fat

I haven’t been on the “Ridiculous Eats” kick as much as usual, but having had a recent brush with the limits of food-too-muchery, I felt it was definitely time to revisit the land of too-plenty.

The location of this gorging was Cleveland Heights’ own Cedar Lee Pub & Grill. Located about a block from the similarly named movie theatre, the Cedar Lee Pub occupies a great location. Inside the bar is simple and welcoming; a large bar is centrally located with seating areas on either side. The minimal décor is charming with little on the walls to distract and our two-person booth was cozy and comfortable. Cedar Lee Pub offers a solid beer list and hosts some great nightly specials (on Monday night five bucks will get you a burger, fries, and a Labatt draught!). At a glance the CLP&G’s menu offers standard bar food, sandwiches, salads, wraps, etc., but nestled in the center panel of the menu is a laundry list of some really amazing burgers. The “Boss Hog” boasts pulled barbequed pork and fried onions, the “Polish” adds pierogies to the burger, and the “Say Cheese” is loaded with three different cheeses, bacon, and tomato on toasty garlic bread. Needless to say, the Cedar Lee Pub & Grill is not messing around.

(not the actual clp&g breakfast burger)

While pouring over this magical list of meaty morsels we sipped out beers, mine a wonderfully bitter and hoppy IPA from Stone Brewing and Nicole’s a Guinness, the real King of Beers. Deciding was tough, to say the least, but knowing that CLP&G is just down the street helped re-assure us that we could always come back for more. So, when the waiter came around to take our order this is what we put in: for Nicole the “Horsey” burger, slathered with horseradish, topped with cheese and pickles, and accompanied by a side of Thousand Island dressing, this burger has a super pungent bite. Ordered medium-rare, her burger was perfectly cooked and delicious. I, after some serious deliberation and a desire for something dangerous, finally picked the “Breakfast” over the “Boss Hog.” While there are numerous burgers out there boasting breakfast options as toppings (the “Kuma” at Kuma’s corner, the “Jamburger” and Jam, and the “Cyclops” at Buckeye Beer Engine to name a few) the Cedar Lee Pub and Grill offers two variants on this theme. The first is topped with bacon and a fried egg, sunny-side up, a la the aforementioned. But when the CDP&G says breakfast, they mean breakfast. My burger, an 8oz. patty before cooking, came topped with cheddar, bacon, scrambled eggs, and a hash-brown patty. Cooked somewhere south of medium but north of medium-rare, the burger was perfect. The bacon the Cedar Lee Pub uses is excellently smoked and cured, it tastes exactly the way bacon should taste, only better (the only other time I can recall having bacon this good, like better-than-bacon-good, was at Kuma’s). The generous scoop of scrambled eggs was also cooked exactly right, in that sweet spot between runny and rubbery. There are breakfast joints out there that can’t seem to get this right so maybe the CLP&G should offer some classes. But it was the hearty, greasy, salty goodness of the hash browns on top that took this burger out of bacon-and-egg burger territory and into the Ridiculous Eats zone. The richness of the fried potatoes added a great deal of depth and flavor to the burger without overpowering the other components, more of a supporting cast member rather than a lead. Amazingly, I polished this burger off in no time flat along with the delicious hand-cut fries that filled the rest of the plate space. Nicole opted for onion rings with her burger, a standard, but flavorful entry in the onion ring category, CLP&G’s are good, but I don’t think they’ll be taking home any awards for them.
http://www.myspace.com/cedarleepubandgrill
http://www.cedarlee.org/

The Cedar Lee Pub & Grill’s big front windows provide a good look inside, and the bar’s simple, unassuming interior kept me moving down the street in the past, but after my extraordinary evening and amazingly absurd burger there, I think I’ll be stopping in more often!

Making Friends with the Liver Punisher!

A co-worker and I have been discussing the prospect of a "friendship potion." A concoction the consumption of which would bind the drinkers together forever in the bonds of friendship. But what magical elixer has such powers? Chocolate milk? Coffee? Poison? Good ideas for sure, but nothing that really captured the essence of friendship or would unite two or more people in hallowed halls of friendliness. I was stuck.

And then it dawned on me: booze. Drink bonds people together like social superglue, so our proposed Friendship Potion had to be massively alcoholic. There's no drink I can think of that renders drinkers as instantly stupified as the Long Island Iced Tea, but that's old hat. Our Friendship Potion had to be epic, something of an ordeal. A drink that would bond its consumers in drunkeness and experience.

This is what I've come up with:

In a shaker with ice combine:

• 1 part 151 proof vodka


• 1 part 151 proof rum, preferably white


• 1 part gin, highest proof available


• 1 part tequila, silver or white, highest proof available


• 1/2 part red Gatorade


• 1/2 part blue Gatorade


• Splash raspberry schnapps


• Dash each of lemon and lime juices

To drink this as a shot pour into shot glasses with a dash of Cherry 7up. As a cocktail serve this in a tall glass with ice and top with Cherry 7up. If you have access to dry ice garnish with a small sliver of dry ice for that erie, smokey potion effect!

Next time you have a gathering with friends, old or new, collect everyone's keys, mix up a batch. Real friends will help out and each bring a portion of the potion! Enjoy and be safe!

Coming soon from Liver Punisher: the Liver Punisher Cocktail!

Ridiculous Eats XII and the Mountain of Meat!

After a holiday hiatus our ongoing look into the world of extreme foods is back!

Welcome to Ridiculous Eats XII: The Meta Meat Cake!

Bear witness to the glory of this mighty mountain and its unholy union of components! The mightily meaty monstrosity is a mounded mass of man’s meatiest meats. Build if you dare and eat at your own risk the following laundry list of butcher’s counter fodder:

- Bratwurst
- Chorizo
- Ground Beef
- Ground Pork
- Diced Ham
- Canadian Bacon
- Pepperoni
- Hickory Smoked Bacon
- Hot Cappy
- Queso Blanco
- Provolone
- Sharp Cheddar

But that’s not all! The above list is merely the filling in this meat monolith. After the stacking, the meat is then coated in a sausage/bacon/cheese ball dough and baked. And of course this is a cake so it needs to be decorated. Decorated with American and Cheddar Squeeze cheese and bacon!

Feel your pulse quicken and your arteries harden! Tremble before the mega Meta Meat Cake!

Better With Bacon?

Of course it is!

For any number of reasons bacon seems to be enjoying a renaissance period of late. I'm personally none to surprised as I've always loved bacon and probably always will. So, to me, it stands to reason that everyone should want bacon.

But bacon's resurgence isn't just as a popular breakfast side or sandwich enhancer. No, it's being included in all realms of the food world, making some especially surprising guest appearances in the dessert arena. Bacon Baklava anyone? (http://www.delish.com/recipefinder/bacon-baklava-recipe-8781?click=recipe_sr)

Here in Cleveland the Cleveland Cupcake Company is infusing a number of their delectable desserts with the fatty, smokey goodness. Try their award winning Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies (left) - exactly what it sounds like - or The Cave (right), a cup cake topped with a three-chocolate ganache and crumbled bacon.

http://www.clevelandcupcakecompany.com/

However, not all bacon-izing is inherantly good. Some bacon-ification besmirches the good name of bacon. This not so Kosher example...

Or this possibly NSFW idea... http://www.daveyp.net/random/wootoff102208/MotivatorBaconBra.jpg

But at the end of the day bacon is a wonderful thing, beloved by all. Even vegans.

Ridiculous Eats X: Ridiculous Fails!

Ridiculous Eats are a tricky subject. I mean, it seems easy enough to start with a simple food item, say a hamburger or pizza, and build upon it layers and layers of mouth- watering, artery-hardening, life-shortening toppings. But, the creation of these food Frankensteins does require a delicate touch, a certain subtlety. There’s a fine line between ridiculous eats and a failure pile. While past entries have examined the delicious heights to which Ridiculous Eats can soar, to day we’ll look at the dank depths of Ridiculous Eats despair.

Grab your lunch gun and climb aboard the failboat for Ridiculous Eats: Food Fails!

Eggs Five Ways:
No better way to start the day than breakfast, and no more perfect food to include in that breakfast than nature’s wonder: the incredible, edible egg! Unless you create this abortive monstrosity, built like so: and egg white omelet is filled with tree hardboiled eggs and ketchup infused scrambled eggs then topped with two poached eggs and hollandaise sauce. Now, I love eggs more than most other foods and I always enjoy them cooked in most any manner, but this seems like over kill. It takes 11 eggs to create this beast which I imagine to be texturally bizarre, not to mention mostly flavorless. Eggs, while tasty, bring little to the taste party, and without a little cheese or a bit of meat in there this looks like blandsville. Sure the omelet has some ketchup in it and there is hollandaise on top, but neither of those are really powerful flavor profiles. No, this is just a redundant waste of eggs.

Pepperoni and Grilled Cheese Pizza:
Nothing says lunch time like a nice hot slice of pizza or a tasty grilled cheese sandwich. I can even see coming the two, in some way, to make one super lunch food, some sort of pizza flavored grilled cheese sandwich, perhaps? But slicing up a grilled cheese and tossing it on top of a pizza just seems silly. I would imagine the flavors all meld well together, but between the crust and the sandwich bread it just seems like an ill conceived bread overload.

Thunder Platter:
Evening approacheth and dinner nears, but perhaps an appetizer to get the gastric juices flowing? Might I suggest the Thunder Platter? A curious name for an appetizer, for sure, and an even curiouser make up. Upon your Thunder Platter you will receive: tortilla chips, sweet potato fries, a hot dog, bacon, red onion, green bell peppers, jalapenos, olives, Anaheim chilies, a hamburger patty, a blanket of woven bacon, and macaroni-and-cheese. This is then topped with cheese sauce, onion rings, and Cheetos. While this isn’t the complete failure that the other entries on this list are, it’s still a thoughtless, often redundant piling of food. Chips, fries, and macaroni-and-cheese seem unnecessary, as does the hot dog. But at least the flavors all seem to meld relatively well.

The Big Fat Ugly:
While breakfast might be the most important meal of the day, one still needs a hearty dinner to round out the day, so why not sink your teeth into a bite of this monstrosity, the Big Fat Ugly. A harried assortment of meats and side, thrown together without thought for taste, texture, and obviously not appearance. The details of the crime are as follows: four cheeseburgers, double cheese steak, chicken cheese steak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, fried macaroni and cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeno poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash brown, American cheese, mayo, and ketchup. What, no fried eggs? No sweetened cereal or hot fudge? It’s like the appetizer menu threw up on the sandwich menu, then breakfast came by to help, slipped, and fell in. This heap is redundant, at best, and vomit-like at worst (look at it!). Burgers and Phillies and gyros? Oh, my! Plus chicken 3 ways? Well, 2-and-a-half, since the nuggets and fingers are ostensibly the same, just variations in name. Stupid and thoughtless. And look at that thing, truth in advertising laws are strict!

Flapjack Fiasco:
Finally, we round things off with aptly named dessert. This failure pile, sadness bowl optional, is a mélange of popular sweets heaped together, but with this much going on, there’s no way to taste any single component, just a lot of conflicting flavors confusing up your eat hole. Let’s take a look inside: (bottom to top) pancake, cookie dough, pancake, peanut butter and jelly, pancake Chocolate and bananas, pancake, caramel, Oreos, marshmallow, sprinkles, M&Ms, pancake, caramel butter cream frosting, and Trix cereal garnish. Sure, the marriage of breakfast foods and desserts is often a mach made in taste heaven, but there’s just too much going on here, not to mention the myriad redundancies. Pancakes and cookie dough, really? Even without the bananas I’d be hard pressed to give this random assortment of sweets a go.

Breakfast Befit the Betrothed

So check this out: I'm going to get married. Yeah, your fatty foodie friend popped the question right after preparing a rack of smoky babyback ribs, baked beans, and sauteed zucchini and yellow squash. That was the last day of our vacation, so on the way back to civilization the next morning we were naturally looking for a local breakfast spot. What we found was the Windmill Restaurant in Holland, Michigan.



Some cursory internet research tipped us off to this place, a cozy greasy-spoon-type place, tucked into the quaint downtown area. This is the kind of joint where you'd expect the service to be as buttery as the food, and I'll be damned if it didn't deliver on both counts. It's pretty clear that they're known for their breakfasts, even though they do have a lunch menu as well.

Words to live by: "Breakfast Served Anytime." This is how you know you're about to eat well and hearty.

Standard diner breakfast fare abounds on the top half of the menu page, but things start to get interesting around the house specialties. I'm intrigued by something called a Bird's Nest: a pile of hash browns and bacon bits, topped with cheddar cheese and two eggs:



I got my eggs over medium because I didn't want a yolk-y mess. Props to the short-order cook for nailing that. As great as that looks, here's the best part:



A BIG FUCKING CINNAMON ROLL!!! Actually, they give you the choice of this, a muffin, or their homemade toast (as in, they bake their own bread, then toast it). I had to put the quarter there to give you a sense of scale, but even that's misleading. This thing was huge. Like, eat it with both hands huge.

As amazing as my breakfast was shaping up to be, I could not have been prepared for what landed in front of Erin. She ordered a little something called the "Hashbrown Omelette," which I assumed would be a traditional omelette stuffed with hashbrowns, which seemed like a nice convenience for those of us who tend to combine our breakfast foods. Wow, was I wrong...



THE OMELETTE IS INSIDE THE HASHBROWNS!!! I'm honestly not sure if there's even eggs in there. I do know that it's a greasy melange of cheese, sausage, and onions inside what appears to be about a pound of hash browns. This sucker is huge too - luckily they offer a half size for patrons who don't want to die of an immediate coronary. Take a look inside. How could you not want to put this in your taste hole?



If you ever find yourself in southwestern Michigan, get thee to the Windmill. Don't be upset by the lack of an actual windmill: the food will more than make up for it.

Postscript: After breakfast Erin told me that I'm never allowed to eat a hashbrown omelette, for fear that the imminent and inevitable cardiac arrest would spell the end of our marriage. 'Til death do us part indeed...

Ridiculous Eats IX: Crimes Against Food

During the course of "R.E." thus far I've explored the heights to which people have taken their food obsessions. Absurd, and often absurdly large, concoctions. Heaping masses of food that tip scales and pounds and pounds, and shatter the boundaries of taste and decorum.

And it's been a blast, too! Who doesn't love massive hamburgers sandwiched between two pizzas? Smoked pork bombs wrapped in bacon? Burgers that cost more than our staff makes in a month?

But sometimes these combinations go a little too far. Today's "Ridiculous Eats" is dedicated to unholy flavor unions: The Burgers That Should Not Be!

Offender: The King

Scene of the Crime: Boston Burger Company

The Crime: If you can draw simple conclusions based on names you could fairly assume that the Boston Burger Company's King burger is named for one Elvis Aaron Presley, the King of Rock'n'Roll. One could further conclude that being named for Elvis, the King would incorporate that unholiest of fruits: the hated banana! All of this is, unfortunately, true. A food travesty for the ages, the King is assembled thustly: 8 ounces of Angus Beef is grilled and topped with bacon (hooray!), but the culinary crimes are committed when the bun is slathered with creamy peanut butter--delicious, but not my idea of burger topping--and garnished with slices of banana, rolled in Cinnamon sugar, and fried. Um, this may just be anti-`nana-ist in me, but no thank you. While I might be tempted to try a nibble of a P.B. burger, the bananas are a deal breaker. I realize that some strange combinations often yield delicious results (I'm looking at you Gin and Tonic) fried bananas and hamburgers are a no-go.

Offender: Hot Fudge Sundae Burger

Scene of the Crime: McGuire's Irish Pub, Pensacola, Florida

The Crime: Shit. I love hamburgers. I love ice cream. I also love the combinations of sweet and savory. Few treats are as perfect and simple as a peanut butter--buckeyes if you're in Ohio--or chocolate covered pretzels. But sometimes two great tastes just don't taste great together. The set up of this monstrosity is pretty simple, a 12 ounce Black Angus beef patty is topped with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge and a cherry, what no nuts or whipped cream? So not only are two great foods ruined by one another, but they've also totally half-assed the ice cream component. Food fail.

Let this be a lesson to us all, and remember, just because two foods are fantastic on their own (except bananas which are always terrible) doesn't meant they will blend together well.

Ridiculous Eats VIII: For Rich Snobs Only

Since I started these "Ridiculous Eats" posts back in the very beginning of W.W.E.I.L. I've noticed that a lot of these menu monsters are also tres pricey. Stands to reason, I suppose, that a lot of food costs a lot of money. And in these cases it's capitol-A lot.

So, today on "R.E." we'll examine the ridiculous and the ridiculously expensive. Let's dive in shall we?

The Burger: The Richard Nouveau
Where: The Wall Street Burger Shoppe, New York, New York
How Much: $175
Say What?: You're a plucky young broker, it's you're first day on the floor. You're buying low, selling high, and making flashy hand motions quicker than a deaf guy on speed. Finally the bell rings and you're done for the day. A quick look at closing numbers on the Dow and the NASDAQ reveal you've just cleaned up. You're excited, for sure, but how do you celebrate? Cocaine? Nah, it's the new Willennium and that shit is so 1980s. A few hookers? Not since Giuliani had them rounded up and killed with all the homeless people, the closest you're going to get to a hooker downtown these days is in a can of Alpo. What does that leave? Good old food and drink my yuppie chum (makes great bate for catching wasp fish!). And what better way to celebrate your new riches than a burger whose name says it all. The Wall Street Burger Shoppe's Richard Nouveau is a celebration in bun, if you're into that sort of thing, and is assembled thustly: first foie gras is simmered in truffle oil, then ten ounces of ground Kobe beef is seared in the renderings of the foie gras and truffle oil. The patty is then topped with Gruyere cheese and wild mushrooms before being garnished with shaved black truffles a served with a side of house made golden truffle mayonnaise, sprinkled with edible gold leaf. Oh. La. La. Better keep those figures up and those margins wide, bucko, because there is no way you're going back to Big Macs after this.

The Burger: Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger
Where: Mallie's Sports Grill, Southgate, Michigan
How Much?: $499
Say What?: The big game is coming. The guys are coming over. It's your house so you've got to provide the grub. But what? Wings, maybe? Nah, those little things are too messy and too much work. Besides, the last time you got wings for the game Fat Tony dropped his on the floor and you had to move the couch to cover the stain, Big Louie left a plate of bones out and the dog nearly choked to death, and Polish Mikey (who's actually Czech) bitches about the hot sauce. Nope, wings are for the birds. A six foot sub, perhaps? Sure, if you want everyone to complain about what's on it. Old Joe hates ham, Little Stevie hates roast beef, and Italian Mike is inexplicably allergic to salami. And those things are covered in lettuce and tomato, you want sandwich, goddammit!, not a salad. And don't forget bringing the thing home, a transportational nightmare if ever there was one. But it's a step in the right direction. Burgers are like sandwiches. Burgers might work, but you don't want to spend the entire game grilling. If only someone could cook for you. And maybe instead of a lot of little things, there could only one. Like the party sub, but burger style. That's it! A giant burger! And not just any old giant burger, a record breaking giant burger, like the one at Mallie's in Southgate, Michigan. Mallie's Record-Breaking Burger is a 185.6 pound burger and requires two people to lift it into the oven where it cooks for 14 hours (it should be noted at this point that ordering one of these macro-burgers requires at least 72 hours advance notice). The patty itself tips the scales at 120 pounds and is sandwiched between two custom buns that bulk out a 20 pounds each, the burger is then topped with about thirty pounds of lettuce, tomato, onions, cheese, bacon, pickles, and condiments. Pick up a few cases of cold ones and your game menu is set! And just in case you wondered how it compared in size to small children...

The Burger: The 777 Burger
Where: Le Burger Brasserie at the Paris Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada
How Much?: $777.00
Say What?: You're on the strip, shootin' dice, sharking cards, and rouling the ette. You're up and your hot. But all that winning and all those comp drinks are taking their toll. You need to refuel and fast before you cool off like William H. Macy in a meat locker. You could hit one of the myriad buffets that sprawl through the city, but that's for the regular rollers. How do you eat like the champ you are? Hop the nearest limo, already waiting for you, I'm sure, and tell Jeeves to take you to the Paris. Once there ask the guy in the penguin suit at the door to escort you to Le Burger Brasserie, slip him a fifty and maybe he'll even carry you! Once there ask for the 777 and get ready to dine like the gods, well if they had your money that is. The 777 is top shelf all the way. It all starts with a hearty Kobe beef patty that is topped with an entire Maine lobster tail. Not enough? OK, how about some caramelized onions, imported brie, and crispy prosciutto to go on top of that? And now that you're a high roller you can forget about ketchup because now your burgers come drizzled with balsamic vinegar, aged 100-years. Not too shabby, right? But the train doesn't stop there, the 777 also comes with a bottle of Rose Dom Perignon champagne. Granted, the bulk of the price tag comes from the bottle of bubbly, the burger checks out at about $65 on its own, but, shit, you're living the high-life now, you might as well be all in!

Say so long to Burger King. Farewell to Carl's Junior. Bye-bye to Big Boy. You're a rich snob, so eat like it, goddammit!

What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes You Fatter...

Good glord.

As fair season continues on for another month or so the non-stop parade of killer foods continues. While this Chicken Fried Bacon is what first lured me to this article, it was the Deep Fried Coke(!) that really fascinated me.

Enjoy?

Full article with pictures here: http://www.delish.com/recipes/cooking-recipes/unusual-state-fair-food

Happier than a pig in a slop sandwich...

Inspired by what Anthony Bourdain called "the greatest sandwich in America," I put this into my body on Saturday:



That's a breaded, fried pork tenderloin with American cheese, fried egg and bacon on white bread. I was going to have a sausage patty added to this too, but I chickened out at the last second. This was surprisingly delicious, considering that I bought it from a bait shop in rural Indiana.

Still, this is not the most ridiculous sandwich I have come across in my travels. Not by a long shot. So far, that crown belongs to Louisville's Hot Brown:



Yes, folks, that's a sandwich. Open-faced turkey, covered with Mornay sauce, cheddar cheese and bacon. Just looking at that should make your arteries afraid...

Ridiculous Eats VI: Local Heroes (pt. 1)

With all my nattering about gigantic and ridiculous foods, I seem to have skipped over my home state. As a Midwestern state, Ohio knows a few things about bigger, badder food. And Cleveland especially is home to a restaurant know for their more-is-more approach to sandwich making. I'm speaking, of course, of Lakewood's own Melt Bar and Grilled.

Located on Detroit Avenue in Lakewood, a suburb of Cleveland, Melt serves a variety of interesting takes on the classic grilled cheese, from the Kindergarten: your choice of cheese of fresh, thick cut bread; to the Spinach Pie: garlic spinach, roasted red peppers, grilled onions, and feta. Melt has something for every taste and appetite. I'm a pretty big fan of the Mushroom Melt, with meaty garlic portabellas, smokey sweet caramelized onions in Port wine reduction, and rich provolone. I also endorse the Wake & Bacon, a breakfast-for-dinner sandwich with fried eggs, bacon, and American cheese.

Not only does Melt boast some of the best sandwiches you've ever wrapped your sweaty little mouth around, they've got beer for days, too! A constantly rotating selection of amazing draught beers is backed by a binder full of bottled selections and, as always, the $2 mystery beer, which is always a fun surprise. I recommend the Old Rasputin Imperial Stout when they have it, full bodied, rich, smokey, and malty. One of the best I've ever tasted.

But the real reason we're here today is Melt's menu monster: the Parmageddon!

A mega-mouthful to be sure, the Parmageddon stacks vodka infused kraut, onions, and Cheddar cheese on top of... wait for it... perogies! It's a meal within a meal!

This isn't Melt's only foray into the land of Ridiculous eats, either. The restaurant boasts an ever changing lineup of monthly and seasonal mammoths, most notably the Godfather which crammed a heaping slice of lasagna between two pieces of bread and a hardy helping of mozzarella. And more recently they've upped the ante with the Purple Parma, an eggplant parm sandwich, and the Big Popper: a beer battered sandwich filled with Cheddar, herb cream cheese, mixed berry preserves, and hand battered jalapeno poppers.

Hungry? Check out their website for details: http://www.meltbarandgrilled.com/home.html

Up Next: It Came from Columbus: the Thurman Burger!

Ridiculous Eats V: Death by Bacon!

While scouring the tubes for ever more absurd, and possibly health altering, foodstuffs I re-discovered this king of calories: the Bacon Explosion!

Concocted by the fine folks at BBQ Addicts, the Bacon Explosion! is a monument of meat. Starting on a foundation of bacon, woven together into a meat blanket, the B.E! is filled with sausage and, you guessed it, more bacon. Seasoned with a dry rub and smoked to perfection, the Bacon Explosion! is a true testament to man's desire to kill himself with the most delicious things possible.



For more pictures and how-to's check out the article on the BBQ Addicts website, here: http://www.bbqaddicts.com/blog/recipes/bacon-explosion/



But you may want to consider this along with it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angioplasty

XXX-tream foods

I'm fascinated by the extream lengths to which people take their food combinations (see previous posts about deep-fried pizza, gaint burgers, and huge hot dogs to ketchup [ha!])

One of my favorites is the Luther Vandross. Images of this have been floating around the Internet for a little while now after Paula Deen threw one together a while back, but this artery wrecker has been kicking around for years.

But Jon, what is this monstrous munchable? Why it's nothing more than a hamburger. Well, cheeseburger. A bacon cheeseburger to be precise. OK, it's a bacon cheeseburger sandwiched between two glazed donuts. No big deal.

Some variations use halved donuts, add a fried egg, or swap out the glazed donut for a maple frosted. But at the end of the day, it still looks pretty tasty.

Looking to try one but don't want to make it yourself? Stop by the home of the Gateway Grizzlies in Sauget, Illinois, where the Luther is a welcome addition to independent baseball.

Old Timey Sexism, In Cookbook Form!

Honey, your camp style macaroni and deviled chicken is almost ready! Just let me whip up a whimsical leafy salad with some dainty soup for myself. Whew, cooking all the man food is tough! I can barely lift this chicken leg! Thanks to Worcestershire Sauce for showing me how!